Posted by: kristabella | March 24, 2008

I Have Things to Say

I do. But I’m sick. And tired. So my motivation is null and void. All I want to do is sleep. But I’ll give you just a few of the things I have to say. Because we all know I’m incapable of shutting the hell up.

  • Snow in March sucks.
  • It just shouldn’t snow in the spring.
  • Dressy boots are not appropriate footwear for spring snow. As the ground is kind of warm, so a slushy mess is created and therefore there are a lot of puddles.
  • Puddles + fancy, cute dressy boots = wet socks
  • Nothing warms you up when you have wet socks like ice cold beer in a bar on a Friday afternoon.
  • And nothing will make your horrible cold and flu worse than ice cold beer in a bar.
  • Two nights in a row.
  • A limo driver asked me if I needed a lift. Too bad my car was three cars away or I probably would have asked him to drive me around the block.
  • Guys that are in their early 20s, who are under the impression you too are in your early 20s because you apparently look young for your age, will run for the hills when they find out you’re 30.
  • And by running for the hills, I mean never talk to you again for the rest of the night.
  • But they are pretty to look at.
  • Is there something wrong with WordPress? Why is it not alerting me of my comments? I got like 7 emails on the last post and it turns out I have 23 comments. WTF, WordPress? People wait for my email responses.
  • American Idol Karaoke for Wii is AWESOME. According to Simon, I’m the next big thing and just sensational.
  • I think I’m incapable of losing my voice.
  • Remember that tooth that was bothering me in December? The one I said I needed a root canal on but DoucheBag Dentist disagreed? Turns out I was right and HE was wrong. FAIL. Because I have to have a root canal on Thursday morning.
  • And DoucheBag Dentist is doing the procedure. Apparently he’s the only one that knows how to in the whole office. So that should be fun. And should end in tears.
  • If you splash half of your soup on your sweater, you will smell like soup for the rest of the day.
  • And it will make you want more soup.
  • My heart broke on Easter when my niece Skyler, my BFF, told me to “GO AWAY!”
  • I made sure to put all that emotion into my rendition of Black Velvet for Simon, Paula and Randy.
  • The real Sudafed is way better than the fake crap on the shelves. It’s so worth getting it from the pharmacist and having your driver’s license entered into the meth lab database.
  • People don’t like the idea of sleeping with cartoons. Death IS an option.

And now I must get to sleep. To rid my body of the Ebola virus that has taken residence. I’d mention that better posts would be coming once I got well. But let’s face it, sick or not, it’s just a bunch of crap.


Also, remember to cast your vote today for my friend Jenny for Chicago Woman of the Year!

Posted by: kristabella | March 20, 2008

DINAO Round 7 – The Cartoon Edition

Because I love cartoons and because I love all of you readers, I have pulled my sick ass out of bed to do this week’s Death Is Not An Option.

This one just makes me giggle because the idea of sleeping with cartoons is just funny. But that may be the cold medicine talking.

Anyway, here is Round 7. For anyone new here, the point is to pick who you would have sex with out of the two options. And death is NOT an option. To see previous versions, click here.

Round 7

The Old School Cartoon Edition

Fred Flintstone vs. George Jetson

fred_flintstone.jpg             george-jetson.jpg

The New School Beer-Drinking Edition

Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin

homer.jpg          peter-griffin.jpg

The Big Man Edition

Fat Albert vs. Bluto from Popeye

fat-albert.jpg          bluto.jpg

The Squeaky Voice Edition

SpongeBob Squarepants vs. Mickey Mouse

spongebob.jpg          mickey-mouse.png

The Dawg Edition

Scooby Doo vs. Astro from The Jetsons

scooby.jpg        astro.jpg

The Ladies of Bedrock Edition

Wilma Flinstone vs. Betty Rubble

wilma.jpg                     betty.gif

The Pin-Up Cartoon Edition

Betty Boop vs. Josie from Josie and The Pussycats

betty-boop.jpg              josie.jpg

The Kitty Edition

Felix the Cat vs. Tom from Tom & Jerry

felix-the-cat.jpg              tom.jpg

The Duck Edition

Daffy Duck vs. Donald Duck

daffyduck.jpg      donald-duck.jpg

The These-Two-Have-Nothing-In-Common Edition

Bugs Bunny vs. Gumby

bugs-bunny.jpg                  gumby.jpg

Leave your life-altering choices in the comments!


Also, remember to cast your vote today for my friend Jenny for Chicago Woman of the Year!

Posted by: kristabella | March 19, 2008

Streak Over

Today is the last day of winter. Yes, I swear, the first day of spring isn’t ALWAYS March 21 like I always thought. Sometimes it is March 20. Which means today, Wednesday, is the last day of winter. It also marks the end of my streak of not getting sick AT ALL this winter. Because I have a cold. It came on today. My fucking streak is broken. And I’m none too pleased.

So because I’m mostly a whiney mess when sick and am even more exhausted than normal, I have nothing much to post. It’s also nice to get sick so you can blame the writer’s block on that instead of The Lazies or The Uncreatives.

Here are a few things I should share:

  • You know I’m sick when I don’t really want to drink any alcohol.
  • Last night I had a work dinner and drank the Blood Orange Martini, which was tasty, thinking the vitamin C would help. Until I realized there was no fruit juice in it.
  • So I had a glass of wine instead, thinking there should be some vitamin C left in those grapes.
  • I turned down a second glass.
  • It was a work dinner so it was FREE BOOZE.
  • I turned down FREE BOOZE.
  • Me!
  • Fondue is the world’s best meal. We had chocolate AND cheese fondue at book club tonight. It’s no surprise I parked my ass in front of the cheese.
  • It will also be no surprise when my pants don’t fit tomorrow.
  • The meeting request feature in Microsoft Outlook is not meant to call me into a meeting to yell at me. About crumbs.
  • Now it is time for sleep. Because I think the wine is mixing with the antihistamine and vna’bndfosbnvkd;sZZZZZZZ.


Don’t forget to cast your vote today for my friend Jenny for the Chicago Woman of the Year! You can vote once a day until March 31. And I will keep reminding you.

Posted by: kristabella | March 17, 2008

Woman of the Year

I have a favor to ask of all of you. And it doesn’t involve money. It involves just clicking a link and then clicking a button to submit a vote.

My friend Jenny is currently one of the 10 finalists for Chicago Woman of the Year. Earlier this year, her mom nominated her and she is now one of the top 10 and if anyone needs to win, it’s Jenny.

You can read her story and the story her mom wrote to nominate her here.

Jenny has been through a lot, as you’ll read in the story. She lost her dad right before Christmas to his long battle with cancer. She is extremely close with her family and her dad was her hero. And she held her family together through a lot of stuff when he was sick.

I only met her dad over the phone because he was the one who helped me look at my agreement from Slapdick Consulting and advised me not to sign.

I met Jenny through a mutual friend and she invited me to be a part of her book club. So I owe her for introducing me to some awesome ladies and learning me to read books only to drink wine and eat corn dip once a month.

She is really an amazing person. You will never meet a nicer human being. She makes everyone else around her a priority and will do anything to help out a friend or loved one. How she stayed as strong as she did through her dad getting sick and passing away without crumbling under the pressure is a testament to her character and how strong she is. And why she should be voted Chicago’s Woman of the Year.

In addition, with a victory, she’ll get money donated to charity in her name. And she’s chosen Imerman Angels to be the lucky recipient if she wins. Imerman Angels is a Chicago-based organization that connects people fighting cancer with individuals who have beaten that specific cancer. It also assists caregivers. Jonny Imerman, the founder of the organization and a cancer survivor himself, personally helped her family cope with the events of the last year surrounding her dad’s battle with Melanoma.

All it takes is a few simple clicks to cast your vote for her. You can vote once a day from now until March 31. I would really appreciate it if you could take a few seconds out of your day to give her some votes.

She is so deserving and I know it would mean the world to her. So please vote. You all rock!

Edited to Add: I think the voting link is updated. You can always get to the voting page from the main Chicago Woman of the Year page here. You’re voting for Jennifer Duda. Let me know if there are still issues!

Posted by: kristabella | March 16, 2008

Drink Up Bitches!

If you’ve read one sentence of this blog, namely my tagline, you will know that alcohol and I have a love/love affair. We are the bestest friends that two things can be. So clearly, St. Patty’s Day is one of my most favorite holidays. It is a holiday where the only goal is to drink as much as you can. And on top of it, unlike New Year’s Eve, it is cheap and you are encouraged to wear comfy clothes like jeans and T-shirts. That is my idea of heaven. Add in guacamole and brownies and you’ve got yourself a party.

Saturday I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party that my friend Jenn and her boyfriend Jerry were throwing. And I went because there was beer there and it gave me an excuse to wear my favorite shirt.


I really need to find more occasions to bring this one out of the dresser. Like “It’s a Thursday!”

I stayed over at Jerry’s house because it is all the way up in Wisconsin. And my relationship with beer leads me to overconsume, which means driving 50-plus miles isn’t the best idea. Plus he lives close to my brother, so I got to hang out with my favorite niece today. And it was fun, even if she did try to kill me by standing on my NECK!

So I had to pack a bag with my PJs and a change of clothes. When I got out of the shower on Saturday afternoon, my cat Simba apparently wanted to come with me. He’s a very social cat, the life of the party.


The party was a lot of fun. I drank plenty of beer and my share of Irish car bombs, which are so tasty and fuck you up all at the same time. My friend Jenn tried to set me up with a deaf guy, which really is par for the course. And he not only had two hearing aids, he also had a speech impediment. And say what you want about what this says about my character, but I like to talk and am a bossy cow, so I need you to hear me.

But in true Kristabella fashion, I brought up my shallowness to a very nice lady we were chatting with. Who then went on to tell me that her son has Cerebral Palsy and that she really hates shallow people who aren’t kind to others with disabilities. I then crawled under the bar with the bottle of Jameson attached to me via IV. And talked really loud for all to hear.

The night just got weirder from there. One of the guys who lives in the house is an obnoxious 22-year old. And he was piss drunk, in and out of consciousness and passing out on the couch. We all laughed and pointed and prayed he didn’t puke on the carpet or on us. After about 10 seconds of this, this dude jumps to life and then begins talking. Non-stop. In a Polish accent. Until well after 4 AM.

I don’t remember a lot of what was discussed. I know I didn’t understand how this guy who speaks accent-free English when sober had a Polish accent when he was drunk and threw in Polish words every other sentence. And I know I laughed a lot. And I know he kept talking about his “chesticles.” Even showing them to us.

But it got better. Jenn went upstairs to bed about 4 AM. She gave me some blankets, shut off the lights and I went on into passing out mode on the comfy couch. Polish McChesticles had other ideas. He decided that me SLEEPING was not going to be allowed so he was going to continue to talk to me for about another 45 minutes. And not only was he talking to me, in my ear, whispering sweet nothings like “you’re kind of hot” and “turn around” and “can you hear the dog chewing his bone?,” he was also constantly tapping my shoulder. And poking me, trying to get me awake. Picture the most obnoxious child, constantly talking and tapping you, and this was what I had to deal with in the wee hours of the morning when all I wanted to do was sleep.

I tried to ignore him. Half the time I was shaking because I was laughing so hard because this was not really happening. The other times I was afraid that this batshit crazy Polak was going to try and have his way with me and end up vomiting in my hair. I finally faked sleep enough for him to head to bed.

But not before tapping me again and asking “hey, what was your name again?” 13 times.

I can’t make this shit up.

Posted by: kristabella | March 15, 2008

DINAO Round 6 – The Rapper Version

I know you were all thinking there would be no Death Is Not An Option this week. And most of you probably won’t look at this until Monday anyway. But at least I know that I did one this week.

I had all intentions to do this Thursday night. Because while I did have another going away party for co-workers, I planned on coming home before 10. The group was heading out to another bar around that time and I was just not going to go to that bar. I even told a friend at work to not let me go. Needless to say, alcohol took over and she’s like 5-2 so she had no chance of talking me out of it. I got to bed about midnight. And had to get up even earlier Friday morning to go to breakfast. So Friday was a bad day. So bad that I had to go home instead of going out with a fellow blogger in town because I felt like shit. Plus I totally would have been crabby and no fun to be around and I’m already an asshole in person, so adding crabby to that mix is a bad deal.

So anyway, here is this week’s DINAO. And thanks to Jules for the idea!

Remember the point is to pick one of the two that you would have to sleep with, knowing that death is not an option. (Click here for the links to all the previous versions.)

Round 6

The OG Edition

Snoop Dogg vs. Dr. Dre

snoop.jpg     dre.jpg

The White Guy Edition

Eminem vs. The Beastie Boys

eminem.jpg     beastie-boys.jpg

The Lady Rapper Edition

Lil Kim vs. Eve

lilkim.jpg     eve.jpg

The Dead Rapper Edition

Old Dirty Bastard vs. Easy E

odb.jpg     easy-e.jpg

The Yummy Muscles Edition

LL Cool J vs. Tupac

ll-cool-j.jpg     tupac.jpg

The Modest Rapper Edition

Jay Z vs. Kanye West

jayz.jpg     kanye.jpg

The I-Can’t-Wait-To-See-What-You-All-Pick Edition

Notorious B.I.G. vs. Lil Jon

biggie.jpg     lil-john.jpg

The Thug Edition

50 Cent vs. R. Kelly

50.jpg     rkelly.jpg

The Kristabella’s Favorites (For Their Music) Edition

Ludacris vs. Nelly

ludacris.jpg     nelly.jpg

The Ice Edition (that I forgot and added later) 

Ice Cube vs. Ice T

ice-cube.jpg     ice-t.jpg

Have at it in the comments!

Posted by: kristabella | March 13, 2008

Where I Ask You For Money

Do you see that new button over there on my sidebar? Come on in from your feed reader, people.

Isn’t is SO cute? I begged Hotfessional to help me make a cute little button and she ROCKED it. Because well, she rocks!

My company is participating in the American Cancer Society’s annual Walk & Roll. I’m walking five miles in May and am hoping to raise some money for a great cause. So I was wondering if you would like to donate some money to a good cause. Please! Pretty please with sugar on top! And a martini! If so, please click on that cute little button and donate some money. Every little bit helps, so if you can, I would appreciate it. One dollar, five dollars, it all goes to help us kick cancer’s ass!

And, in case you needed more reasons, I shall give them to you:

  1. Cancer affects way too many people. And sadly most people have known at least one person that has been affected. Wouldn’t you like to kick cancer in the balls for what it has done to people we know and love?
  2. My friend Amber works for the American Cancer Society. And she would appreciate your donation. And why should you care about my friend Amber? Because she’s the one that gave me Bacon.
  3. I promise to document the race. Taking photos at every mile marker, getting wearier and wearier as the day goes on. Because I walked three miles last night and I was sore. So five miles is going to kick my ass.
  4. I may bring a flask for the walk for some Irish coffee and just think of the hilarity that will ensure over five miles!
  5. If I raise more than $250, I get a prize. And whatever I am awarded, will be given out to one lucky donater! A contest! Wouldn’t you love a Walk & Roll T-shirt? Or a Walk & Roll water flask? You know your life won’t be complete until you own a piece of Walk & Roll merchandise.
  6. And finally, I can’t match all the donations since I am not rich, but I will contribute $1 for every person who donates. So if 25 people donate, I’ll kick in an extra $25. Make me poor, bitches!

Don’t you just want to help? So go on, click the cute button! And don’t worry, I’ll be reminding you all frequently until May 18.

And thank you to all of you for your willingness to help!

Posted by: kristabella | March 12, 2008

It’s Probably The Eating For Two Thing

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning. No, I really had a doctor’s appointment. I wasn’t making up excuses for an interview. Which sucks because now I can’t use the doctor’s appointment line for a few months lest someone think something is up.

It was my annual lady doctor appointment. Last year at this time, I went to the doctor just hoping to get a refill on my birth control prescription and to get in and out of there as fast as possible. Little did I know that not too soon after that appointment last year my world was going to turn on its head. For one, I was going to lose my job not too soon after when they found my blog. In addition, my lady doctor found a lump last year that she didn’t like and wanted me to get checked out. (It’s fine.) March and April of 2007 were not the best times of my life.

Thankfully this year’s appointment went off without a hitch. I mean except for the fact that someone has their hands up your va-jay-jay, it was fine. And ladies, don’t you just love when they are all “does this hurt?” And you just want to be all “you have your hands in my hoo hah! It’s not pleasant! At least not without buying me dinner first!”

So I obviously go to an OB/GYN office for my appointment. Your general doctor is for stuffy noses and sore throats. I want an expert to examine me in the nether regions. And I also only want a woman. Because she has the parts. And I couldn’t handle a hot male doctor. Talk about awkward.

Anyway. I did not mean to ramble on for so many paragraphs about vaginas. As I was sitting in the waiting room today there were quite a few pregnant ladies. And all of a sudden a wave of emotion came over me. I really want to be pregnant. Preferably sooner rather than later.

That’s weird, right? I mean it is clear how much I love kids and I’ve never had a doubt that I would be a mother. But in recent weeks I’ve been thinking about pregnancy and about being pregnant and haven’t been completely freaked the fuck out by it. It is quite possibly because I read far too many mommy blogs and a lot of bloggers are preggers or trying. Or because I follow celebrity news far too closely and there are BABIES EVERYWHERE! Or because spring = frolicking. Regardless, it is there. There is this itch to be pregnant. One that won’t be scratched, mind you, in some time.

This is a first. Like I said, I’ve pretty much always wanted kids. But I wasn’t too pleased with the whole process, with the stretching of things and the swelling of other things and do you know how they get that thing out of you? Pregnancy was always something that made you have to stop drinking and a means to a baby with a yummy smelling head.

But for some reason, I’ve gotten over all that. And I want to experience the joy of the pregnancy, all the ups and the downs. And I’m even OK with the delivery. Albeit by C-section, though. Or with a LOT of drugs.

So that’s just insane, right? Besides the obvious facts of being single, not dating and on birth control. What did you say? I can’t hear you over that infernal TICKING CLOCK.


And also, today is BFF Julie’s birthday, so I just want to wish her a very happy birthday! Not everyone gets Top Chef to premiere on the anniversary of their birth. Have a wonderful day and here’s to many more fun drinking nights in our future. Cheers, Big Ears! Love ya!

Posted by: kristabella | March 10, 2008

My Body Isn’t Quite Sure Of The Time

Why the fuck do we have this whole Daylight Savings Time? Why do I want to save daylight? Daylight needs to be shared and felt and seen. And don’t tell me because energy because when it is dark when I get up and dark when I get home, I’m using power. To light my house. And don’t tell me it is for the farmers. It’s fucking 2008, I think the farmers have the technology to not care about the sun and what the hell time it rises or sets.

Because my body, it gets used to things. It gets used to cookies and pizza and alcohol. And it gets damn used to the time. It knows when it is 6:30 AM. And it knows that even though the alarm went off at 6:30 this morning, it was not 6:30 AM. It was 5:30. And then my body revolts into a series of fits and tantrums. And there is usually crying involved. It’s not pretty. Why do we even have to change it in the fall? Why can’t it be like this all year round? They do it in Arizona. And no one there seems to mind. But that’s probably because their brains melted into a puddle from the HEAT and they don’t even know what month it is, let alone what time it is, but still!

What I’m saying is that I’m tired. And my cats are confused because they want to eat at weird times. But that’s probably not from the time change.


So I want to say a big thank you to all of you and your nice comments regarding my little work situation. Things are OK. I think as the weeks go on, it should get less awkward. For right now, I have a hard time talking to anyone. Or looking them in the eye. I’ve resorted to dancing around with a monkey in a tutu to distract all of them from the fact that they are losing their jobs and I am not.

But that didn’t really help. Because they aren’t sure why I was the one they kept.

But I do have some serious Survivor Guilt. It’s not fun. I just try to keep my head down and make it through the day. But this morning in the staff meeting, when the VP was all “how was everyone’s weekend?” had to be one of the most awkward moments in my life.

Well, right after the moment I decided to bring a monkey in a tutu to work.


war-child-logo.pngSo I found this out through Candy and Hotfessional, but Peach organized a bunch of bloggers to submit some posts to a blogger compilation book called You Are Not The Only One. And the proceeds are going to help War Child, which is an organization that helps children of the world that have been affected by war. So I not only got to submit some of my writing to possibly be published, I also got to help out a great charity, regardless whether I get published or not.

Submissions were due on Sunday, but I would encourage everyone to go out and buy a copy when it comes out because it helps a great cause and it should be some fantastic writing by fellow bloggers. Of course, if I actually made it, then you’re all REQUIRED BY LAW to go out and purchase it.


So I went to Target this weekend and spent my life savings on shit I need and shit I probably don’t need. In my haze of shopping because I was still distraught from the dismantling, I bought a new hair dryer. I actually need a new hair dryer. My current one is making noises that a hair dryer shouldn’t make and I’m starting to wonder if the smoking is a good sign.

Anyway, I picked up this dryer. It was all pink and brown and cute! I don’t get something too cheap since the dryer is essential to my styling regimen. I prefer to only blow dry my straight-ish, limp hair with a round brush to give it a little bit of volume. At least for 20 minutes. And I want my dryer to get nice and warm so that the hair does the things the round brush politely asks of it. And no, don’t talk to me about curling irons and flat irons and anything that will add more time to my routine. I’m already consistently 5-10 minutes late for work in the morning.

(I also realize the smart thing would be to buy a nice professional hair dryer and spend the extra money because it is worth it. But alas, I am cheap and also poor.)

This blow dryer SUCKS. Well, for me at least. One, it doesn’t get hot enough. And the ends of my hair that I want the round brush to curl under REBEL. And there isn’t enough heat to melt the hair follicles into submission. And also, the “low” speed is like the high speed on my previous dryer. And since I don’t have four arms and a swivel head, it blows my hair everywhere and makes my hair a big, fucking rat’s nest. And on top of it, because the hair is blowing ALL OVER, I don’t get that little bit of body that the round brush usually provides from 7:15 – 8:30 AM. And it leaves me in a sad, weepy mess on the floor because WAH! MY HAIR IS FLAT! WHO CARES PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR JOBS? WAH! FLAT HAIR.

Perspective. I has it.

So I hear you all yelling at your computer screens, TAKE IT BACK, FUCKWIT! Ah. Yes. A very smart idea indeed. You are under the impression that I am SMRT. I am NOT. Because I threw away the box because in a momentary lapse in judgment, I threw the box away! Without testing out new dryer! Figuring it is a blow dryer, what’s not to love? In all its pink and brown cuteness? And now I’m suck with this piece of CRAP.

Actually, my mom, who has seen said tantrums live and in person, just offered to buy it from me because she realizes if she doesn’t, every email of every day until I chuck the dryer out the window will start with WAH! FLAT, LIMP HAIR! WAH! And it’s just as annoying in person as it is over email.

Posted by: kristabella | March 9, 2008

Presenting Bacon: Now With Less Attitude!

Well, Bacon sure had a little attitude the other day, didn’t he? He’s getting a little too high and mighty for his own good. So I left him alone in a locked room with the cats for a few hours, just to show him who is boss. We won’t be having a Bacon uprising here in Kristabelliskstan.


But, he’s been unshackled and is here to answer all your questions from the last week.

Question from Jules: Why am I so emotionally weak after seeing Scott Baio sing a cheesy 70s song to his infant daughter that I not only shed a tear, but I am moved enough to buy said cheesy 70s song from iTunes right after the show ends?

B: Well, Bacon isn’t sure. He does know that something happened to Scott Baio this season and either the editing is better or he actually grew the fuck up. Because any man that rides a three-wheeled motorcycle, therefore looking like a pussy, especially with another man on the back, only because he wants to be safe for his daughter is known to make anyone cry. Even Bacon. So Bacon says “Beckon” because there is no use in hiding or squelching these feeling that Scott Baio brings out in all of us. We need to all beckon these feelings to the surface and embrace the joy that is Scott Baio.

Question from Raven: Bacon, what is your take on Kristi Jo? Is she going to win Rock of Love II and then take out a restraining order on Bret?

B: Bacon was under the impression that Kristabella was the only person who wasted her time with these trashy shows. All while Bacon sits in the background reading Proust. But apparently Bacon is wrong. Bacon’s take on Kristi Jo is that she should “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for Batshit, as in the crazy variety. And if Bret knew what was good for him he’d put the B in BLT as well, and Bolt the fuck out of there and far away from that crazy ho.

Question from Lisa Ann: Why the HELL is Donny Osmond hosting Entertainment Tonight? WHY? WHY? WHY? And when did anyone start giving a damn about Valerie Bertinelli again? I’m fairly certain that many ET watchers had to Google her name just to figure out who the hell she is!! All Knowing, All Wise Bacon, please tell me why!?!?!?

B: Bacon’s head is spinning from so many questions with so many question marks. He needs to sit down and rest for a second. Mostly because he didn’t know that Donny Osmond was hosing ET because again, Bacon spends his time doing intellectual things. And also, he can’t turn on the TV before Kristabella gets home, hence why he reads Proust all day. And by Proust, we all know Bacon means US Weekly.

As for Valerie, Bacon knows the only reason we care is because she wrote a book, lost some weight and then went on Oprah. And if Oprah says we should care, we care. To which Bacon says “Smoke” because with a little Mary Jane, I think we could all come to love Valerie and be able to stand Oprah’s voice and all the YELLING she is always doing on her show. Because bitch be crazy.

Question from Melissa: Am I ever going to get to meet you and Kristabella?

B: Bacon says “Sizzle.” Fo Sizzle, Melissa.

Question from Allison: My dearest Bacon, I have an idea for a novel that I would like to write, but most of the characters are ex-boyfriends of mine. Is it okay to trash them and kill their characters in print if I change their names even though everyone I know (including them) will know who I’m writing about?

B: Bacon sees nothing wrong with this. As long as the names are changed and it is clearly a work of fiction, then there is not reason to be hesitant. All novelists pull from real life in their writing, or so Bacon hears. Bacon says “Spit Hot Grease” and let those douchebags have it!

Question from nancypearlwannabe: I’ve been moaning over summer pants for the past two months. It’s March, do you think I could stop holiday binging already?

B: Bacon wants to know if this is really Kristabella asking this question. Since Bacon is SO tired of hearing all about her fat pants and summer and maybe, Kristabella, if you stop eating entire pizzas in one sitting you could stop your yammering and lose the weight and shut the hell up.

Ahem. But to answer your question, Nancypearlwannabe, Bacon says to “Liven Up A Salad” and by livening it up, Bacon means eat more salad. And less pizza and beer. And you should fit in those summer pants just fine. That is, if summer ever comes. Which Bacon isn’t convinced of.

Question from Vanessa: Bacon, this is very important and I trust your opinion as much as I trust my own at this point, should I move back to Seattle? Think hard Bacon…

B: Well Vanessa, Bacon doesn’t much care for Seattle. The damp climate isn’t the most conducive to salty, cured meat. But Bacon says that if you do end up moving back up there, be sure to “Boycott Tofu” and all those crazy tree huggers up there who hate meat and all that Bacon stands for.

Question from curlatini, esq.: Bacon, this is a 2 part question: Does Daisy from Rock of Love 2 look like a cartoon to you, or is it just me? And do you think it’s capable for Daisy to smile with all of that schmutz injected into her lips? She always looks like she’s on the verge of tears. I think the lip injections have affected her ability to communicate emotion. So sad.

B: Again with this trashy show? You people need to watch less VH1 and eat more bacon. But Bacon would agree that Daisy is in fact a platypus in disguise. And that Bret must be a little kinky, seeing as they’ve already spent the night together and he must have figured out she’s not human. Bacon says “Hang Out with Hash Browns” because clearly that is just as weird as making sweet, sweet love to a platypus.

Question from Moo: Hey, Bacon! It’s 4:30 am here and yep, I’m up surfing the interweb. Oh! The joy of having a toddler! Well, this toddler at any rate. Here’s a question for you dear bacon, how do you get a 19 month old to sleep through the night? Would you recommend a diet of bacon?

B: A diet of Bacon is always a cure. For whatever ails you. As for your 19-month old sleeping through the night, Bacon says to “Raise Cholesterol” because maybe if the toddler has a nice full belly of meat and cheese, then sleeping through the night will not be a problem. And if that doesn’t work, Bacon says to “Spit Hot Grease” and put the fear of Bacon into the child to get them to sleep.

Question from LarryLily: Bacon, who do you pork? Miss Piggy?

B: It’s a good thing raw Bacon is already pinkish, because then you can’t tell that Bacon is blushing. Bacon is also a tad offended by this question. Because Bacon doesn’t pork and tell. But he says Miss Piggy does “Taste Really Good.”

And there you have it! Bacon would like to thank you for all your insightful questions. And he hopes your lives can go on living now that you are much the wiser.

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