Well, Bacon sure had a little attitude the other day, didn’t he? He’s getting a little too high and mighty for his own good. So I left him alone in a locked room with the cats for a few hours, just to show him who is boss. We won’t be having a Bacon uprising here in Kristabelliskstan.
But, he’s been unshackled and is here to answer all your questions from the last week.
Question from Jules: Why am I so emotionally weak after seeing Scott Baio sing a cheesy 70s song to his infant daughter that I not only shed a tear, but I am moved enough to buy said cheesy 70s song from iTunes right after the show ends?
B: Well, Bacon isn’t sure. He does know that something happened to Scott Baio this season and either the editing is better or he actually grew the fuck up. Because any man that rides a three-wheeled motorcycle, therefore looking like a pussy, especially with another man on the back, only because he wants to be safe for his daughter is known to make anyone cry. Even Bacon. So Bacon says “Beckon” because there is no use in hiding or squelching these feeling that Scott Baio brings out in all of us. We need to all beckon these feelings to the surface and embrace the joy that is Scott Baio.
Question from Raven: Bacon, what is your take on Kristi Jo? Is she going to win Rock of Love II and then take out a restraining order on Bret?
B: Bacon was under the impression that Kristabella was the only person who wasted her time with these trashy shows. All while Bacon sits in the background reading Proust. But apparently Bacon is wrong. Bacon’s take on Kristi Jo is that she should “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for Batshit, as in the crazy variety. And if Bret knew what was good for him he’d put the B in BLT as well, and Bolt the fuck out of there and far away from that crazy ho.
Question from Lisa Ann: Why the HELL is Donny Osmond hosting Entertainment Tonight? WHY? WHY? WHY? And when did anyone start giving a damn about Valerie Bertinelli again? I’m fairly certain that many ET watchers had to Google her name just to figure out who the hell she is!! All Knowing, All Wise Bacon, please tell me why!?!?!?
B: Bacon’s head is spinning from so many questions with so many question marks. He needs to sit down and rest for a second. Mostly because he didn’t know that Donny Osmond was hosing ET because again, Bacon spends his time doing intellectual things. And also, he can’t turn on the TV before Kristabella gets home, hence why he reads Proust all day. And by Proust, we all know Bacon means US Weekly.
As for Valerie, Bacon knows the only reason we care is because she wrote a book, lost some weight and then went on Oprah. And if Oprah says we should care, we care. To which Bacon says “Smoke” because with a little Mary Jane, I think we could all come to love Valerie and be able to stand Oprah’s voice and all the YELLING she is always doing on her show. Because bitch be crazy.
Question from Melissa: Am I ever going to get to meet you and Kristabella?
B: Bacon says “Sizzle.” Fo Sizzle, Melissa.
Question from Allison: My dearest Bacon, I have an idea for a novel that I would like to write, but most of the characters are ex-boyfriends of mine. Is it okay to trash them and kill their characters in print if I change their names even though everyone I know (including them) will know who I’m writing about?
B: Bacon sees nothing wrong with this. As long as the names are changed and it is clearly a work of fiction, then there is not reason to be hesitant. All novelists pull from real life in their writing, or so Bacon hears. Bacon says “Spit Hot Grease” and let those douchebags have it!
Question from nancypearlwannabe: I’ve been moaning over summer pants for the past two months. It’s March, do you think I could stop holiday binging already?
B: Bacon wants to know if this is really Kristabella asking this question. Since Bacon is SO tired of hearing all about her fat pants and summer and maybe, Kristabella, if you stop eating entire pizzas in one sitting you could stop your yammering and lose the weight and shut the hell up.
Ahem. But to answer your question, Nancypearlwannabe, Bacon says to “Liven Up A Salad” and by livening it up, Bacon means eat more salad. And less pizza and beer. And you should fit in those summer pants just fine. That is, if summer ever comes. Which Bacon isn’t convinced of.
Question from Vanessa: Bacon, this is very important and I trust your opinion as much as I trust my own at this point, should I move back to Seattle? Think hard Bacon…
B: Well Vanessa, Bacon doesn’t much care for Seattle. The damp climate isn’t the most conducive to salty, cured meat. But Bacon says that if you do end up moving back up there, be sure to “Boycott Tofu” and all those crazy tree huggers up there who hate meat and all that Bacon stands for.
Question from curlatini, esq.: Bacon, this is a 2 part question: Does Daisy from Rock of Love 2 look like a cartoon to you, or is it just me? And do you think it’s capable for Daisy to smile with all of that schmutz injected into her lips? She always looks like she’s on the verge of tears. I think the lip injections have affected her ability to communicate emotion. So sad.
B: Again with this trashy show? You people need to watch less VH1 and eat more bacon. But Bacon would agree that Daisy is in fact a platypus in disguise. And that Bret must be a little kinky, seeing as they’ve already spent the night together and he must have figured out she’s not human. Bacon says “Hang Out with Hash Browns” because clearly that is just as weird as making sweet, sweet love to a platypus.
Question from Moo: Hey, Bacon! It’s 4:30 am here and yep, I’m up surfing the interweb. Oh! The joy of having a toddler! Well, this toddler at any rate. Here’s a question for you dear bacon, how do you get a 19 month old to sleep through the night? Would you recommend a diet of bacon?
B: A diet of Bacon is always a cure. For whatever ails you. As for your 19-month old sleeping through the night, Bacon says to “Raise Cholesterol” because maybe if the toddler has a nice full belly of meat and cheese, then sleeping through the night will not be a problem. And if that doesn’t work, Bacon says to “Spit Hot Grease” and put the fear of Bacon into the child to get them to sleep.
Question from LarryLily: Bacon, who do you pork? Miss Piggy?
B: It’s a good thing raw Bacon is already pinkish, because then you can’t tell that Bacon is blushing. Bacon is also a tad offended by this question. Because Bacon doesn’t pork and tell. But he says Miss Piggy does “Taste Really Good.”
And there you have it! Bacon would like to thank you for all your insightful questions. And he hopes your lives can go on living now that you are much the wiser.