Posted by: kristabella | March 16, 2008

Drink Up Bitches!

If you’ve read one sentence of this blog, namely my tagline, you will know that alcohol and I have a love/love affair. We are the bestest friends that two things can be. So clearly, St. Patty’s Day is one of my most favorite holidays. It is a holiday where the only goal is to drink as much as you can. And on top of it, unlike New Year’s Eve, it is cheap and you are encouraged to wear comfy clothes like jeans and T-shirts. That is my idea of heaven. Add in guacamole and brownies and you’ve got yourself a party.

Saturday I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party that my friend Jenn and her boyfriend Jerry were throwing. And I went because there was beer there and it gave me an excuse to wear my favorite shirt.

st-pattys.jpg

I really need to find more occasions to bring this one out of the dresser. Like “It’s a Thursday!”

I stayed over at Jerry’s house because it is all the way up in Wisconsin. And my relationship with beer leads me to overconsume, which means driving 50-plus miles isn’t the best idea. Plus he lives close to my brother, so I got to hang out with my favorite niece today. And it was fun, even if she did try to kill me by standing on my NECK!

So I had to pack a bag with my PJs and a change of clothes. When I got out of the shower on Saturday afternoon, my cat Simba apparently wanted to come with me. He’s a very social cat, the life of the party.

march-08-004.jpg

The party was a lot of fun. I drank plenty of beer and my share of Irish car bombs, which are so tasty and fuck you up all at the same time. My friend Jenn tried to set me up with a deaf guy, which really is par for the course. And he not only had two hearing aids, he also had a speech impediment. And say what you want about what this says about my character, but I like to talk and am a bossy cow, so I need you to hear me.

But in true Kristabella fashion, I brought up my shallowness to a very nice lady we were chatting with. Who then went on to tell me that her son has Cerebral Palsy and that she really hates shallow people who aren’t kind to others with disabilities. I then crawled under the bar with the bottle of Jameson attached to me via IV. And talked really loud for all to hear.

The night just got weirder from there. One of the guys who lives in the house is an obnoxious 22-year old. And he was piss drunk, in and out of consciousness and passing out on the couch. We all laughed and pointed and prayed he didn’t puke on the carpet or on us. After about 10 seconds of this, this dude jumps to life and then begins talking. Non-stop. In a Polish accent. Until well after 4 AM.

I don’t remember a lot of what was discussed. I know I didn’t understand how this guy who speaks accent-free English when sober had a Polish accent when he was drunk and threw in Polish words every other sentence. And I know I laughed a lot. And I know he kept talking about his “chesticles.” Even showing them to us.

But it got better. Jenn went upstairs to bed about 4 AM. She gave me some blankets, shut off the lights and I went on into passing out mode on the comfy couch. Polish McChesticles had other ideas. He decided that me SLEEPING was not going to be allowed so he was going to continue to talk to me for about another 45 minutes. And not only was he talking to me, in my ear, whispering sweet nothings like “you’re kind of hot” and “turn around” and “can you hear the dog chewing his bone?,” he was also constantly tapping my shoulder. And poking me, trying to get me awake. Picture the most obnoxious child, constantly talking and tapping you, and this was what I had to deal with in the wee hours of the morning when all I wanted to do was sleep.

I tried to ignore him. Half the time I was shaking because I was laughing so hard because this was not really happening. The other times I was afraid that this batshit crazy Polak was going to try and have his way with me and end up vomiting in my hair. I finally faked sleep enough for him to head to bed.

But not before tapping me again and asking “hey, what was your name again?” 13 times.

I can’t make this shit up.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. If you add a group of rugby playing Irishmen to this story, you will have my Saturday night! I’m heading up to WI later this afternoon for an overnight at a hotel with a bunch of girlfriends; we’re going to see a concert and then going out, so I could very well be repeating the same stuff all over again, so wish me luck. I really want that T-shirt of yours for the big night, I’ll have to remember to find one next year before this holiday!
    BTW, this cracked me up SO much: I like to talk and am a bossy cow, so I need you to hear me
    Jules
    House of Jules

  2. Happy St. Paddy’s Day!!!!! Loved the story….spitting-coffee-funny-loved-the-story.

    I haven’t gone out for St. Paddy’s day in YEARS…there’s something in the stuff that makes the beer green that makes me sick. Has nothing to do with the amount of beer consumed. It’s the damn food coloring.

    Hi Simba!!!!!

  3. Well now honey, you obviously weren’t drunk enough if that 22 year old chesticle bearing secret agent polak didn’t get somewhere, cuz damned if he wasn’t whipping out his best polish moves.

    I totally want to hang out with a group of rugby playing Irishmen. Why am I in Texas again?

  4. Hi Simba!

    You forgot to wear your tiara or ythat Polak would have treated you like a princess!

    Happy St. Patty’s day!

    =)

  5. I am so over the green beer and the full blown drunks that gather together to outpuke each other.
    I’m the only one who is amusing when drunk, the rest of them just annoy me 😉

  6. LOL CHESTICLES!! Did he ever tell you exactly what those were? I can’t believe he continued on, he was sooo plastered, and adorable with the Polish accent!

    There were so many other things that we were laughing at, but all I remember is Chesticles! And still never discerning exactly what they are!

  7. Love the shirt! You can wear it when we go out next time.

    Did he say “Dieme Bujie”?

  8. Happy day to you!

    Love the shirt!

  9. There’s nothing sexier than a drunk boy who can’t remember your name, right?

    Love the shirt. How is it you don’t live in Boston?

  10. This is a brilliant perspective on St. Patty’s day, relative to New Year’s.

  11. You let that guy tap you on the shoulder for 45 minutes? I would have kicked him in the chesticles. =)

  12. How funny! Sounds like a fun party! Sorry I had to miss it! — BTW, I hope you are wearing that shirt to work today! It could make a statement about how professional you are…. a party professional!! – S

  13. “Can you hear the dog chewing his bone?” Those are probably the hottest words a man could ever say to a woman. I’m going to tell my bf he needs to start talking to me like that!

  14. “Good Gawd! SHUT UP and let me sleep!” <—- Those are the words that come out of my mouth. When I’m ready to sleep nothing pisses me off more than what you described. Although I’ve never had anyone ask if I could hear the dog chewing his bone before…

  15. OMG! I miss the days of passing out on someone’s couch with some random cute boy trying to keep me awake, poking THE HELL out of me! 😉 I swear, if we lived a few thousand miles closer to one another, you might be able to resurrect the party-girl in me!

  16. Chesticles! I do recall him showing KJ his chesticles. Not something I needed to see 😉 The party was a lot of fun…glad you made it out to celebrate 🙂

  17. OMG, I SO don’t miss that life. I was you, ten years ago.

    ps … LOVE your cat. Can he come and stay with me for awhile?

  18. We are going to get along so, so well.

  19. I NEED a shirt like that. Can we be twins?

  20. I am really disappointed that you didn’t go out on a date with the Polack. Just, you know, for blogging material.

  21. Awww your cat looks like mine that passed away a couple of years ago.

    I dont remember the last time went out for St. Patty’s Day.

  22. I HAVE GOT TO GET THAT SHIRT!!!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: