Posted by: kristabella | March 2, 2008

It’s Salty, It’s Snarky, It’s Bacon

A sign you have too much time on your hands over the weekend, time that could be spent doing things that need to get done like cleaning house and getting your oil changed (on your car), is when you write a whole page about Bacon. So that when you write Bacon posts, you don’t have to always explain the story or leave readers scratching their heads. Because your incessant rambling does that just fine, thankyouverymuch.

So here is Bacon’s very own page on this site. Let’s all give him a standing ovation. He deserves it. For all his snarky wisdom.

And now just not to let his salty head get too big, I’m going to put him to work. I have a few questions that I need Bacon to answer. In turn, in the comments, you can ask Bacon all your pressing questions. And this time Kristabella will answer them at the end of the week. And not wait three weeks like she did last time. Because she’s a lazy whore.

Bacon, why is it that Scott Baio makes me cry EVERY DAMN WEEK? Why does he have a damn soul all of a sudden?

First off, Bacon thinks you waste far too much of your so-called precious time watching crappy reality television. Bacon is convinced you can spend this time more productively, like, for instance, creating more pages for Bacon. And while you’re at it, maybe Bacon needs his own actual site. Bacon thinks you should “Smoke” because you’re clearly smokin’ hot and he’s totally trying to get on your good side to get you to turn off the TV and write more about BACON.

Well, Bacon, I appreciate the compliment. But remember that when you get out of hand like this, the cats aren’t too far away. I’m just saying. Anyway, back to me, since it’s MY blog, I want to know Bacon, is winter ever going to end?

Bacon is going to just answer the question that Kristabella asks, since she is all-knowing and wise and Bacon is totally not kissing her ass. No. Not at all. He really feels she is genius squeezed out of heaven into human form. And he is thinking Kristabella should “Hang Out With Hash Browns” because they’ve been known to hang out in caves and hibernate. Which might be a good idea because it will probably still be snowing in June because that’s what happens when Bacon doesn’t see his shadow.

Bacon, I’m wondering if I’ll ever get my ass in gear and start working out? Because all this sitting on my ass and eating is really starting to stretch the seat of my pants.

Clearly Bacon only has one answer to this. Besides no. He thinks you should “Shrivel” because if a gymnasium sucking $64 a month out of your bank account isn’t motivation enough, then the only way you’re going to fit back into your summer pants is to just stop eating and shrivel back into that ideal size.

I’m going to Vegas in April and I’m not really looking forward to it. What Would Bacon Do?

Bacon would “Boycott Tofu” and NOT boycott alcohol and just spend those 48 hours piss drunk out of your ever-loving mind.

Thanks Bacon. Wise as always.

Fo sizzle. 

So what are your questions to Bacon? What advice do you need that only a salty, snarky piece of meat can give you? Leave your questions in the comments and Bacon will be back on Friday to answer your burning questions. Unless Kristabella is struck with a case of The Lazies or The Drunkies. Which has been known to happen from time to time.



  1. You know I’m Bacon’s biggest groupie, and I love the Scott Baio question. I text messaged everyone I know who tonight after his show with, “Scott Baio made me cry again!”; to which one of my guy friends replied, “Scott Baio? As in “THE” Scott Baio? Chachi made you cry? How did this even happen? I’m very confused.”

    Of course then I realized that not everyone knows Scott Baio has his own show.

    My question for Bacon is this: Why am I so emotionally weak after seeing Scott Baio sing a cheesy 70’s song to his infant daughter that I not only shed a tear, but that I am moved enough to buy said cheesy 70’s song from iTunes right after the show ends?

    Thanks KJ & Bacon for helping me with this pressing issue.
    House of Jules

  2. Bacon, what is your take on Kristi Jo? Is she going to win Rock of Love II and then take out a restraining order on Bret?

  3. You DON’T want to go to Vegas? Wha, wha, what?

  4. If I go to Vegas with you, will that change your opinion of it? Becuase I’m DYING to go to Vegas.

  5. Bacon:
    Why the HELL is Donny Osmond hosting Entertainment Tonight? WHY? WHY? WHY? And when did anyone start giving a damn about Valerie Bertenali again? I’m fairly certain that many ET watchers had to google her name just to figure out who the hell she is!!

    All Knowing; All Wise Bacon. Please tell me why!?!?!?

  6. Ack! I haven’t watch the Baio yet this week. Looks like I should grab the tissues before I sit down, huh?

    As for Bacon, am I ever going to get to meet you and Kristabella?

  7. I think Bacon is so right about the trip to Vegas. And I think he’d approve if you went to the stripper clothing store to play dress up… just because you can. (Because I am so going to do that the next time I’m there.)

  8. My dearest Bacon,

    I have an idea for a novel that I would like to write, but most of the characters are ex-boyfriends of mine. Is it okay to trash them and kill their characters in print if I change their names even though everyone I know (including them) will know who I’m writing about?


  9. You cry over Scott Baio? I think I love you more than ever, Kristabella. (You too, Bacon!)

  10. I’ve been moaning over summer pants for the past two months. It’s March, do you think I could stop holiday bingeing already?

  11. Bacon, this is very important and I trust your opinion as much as I trust my own at this point, should I move back to Seattle? Think hard Bacon…


    KJ — You’ve totally made my day. Thank you so much. And um, when would you like to come and meet my baby?

  13. Your bacon is my OAF bear. I think Bacon and The OAF would get along swimmingly.

    OH, and if we were roomies you could so meet the OAF.

  14. Bacon,

    This is a 2 part question:

    Does Daisy from Rock of Love 2 look like a cartoon to you, or is it just me?


    Do you think it’s capable for Daisy to smile with all of that schmutz injected into her lips?

    She always looks like she’s on the verge of tears. I think the lip injections have affected her ability to communicate emotion. So sad.

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