Posted by: kristabella | February 25, 2008

The Academy of Suckage

Tonight was The Oscars. It’s like one of my favorite days. It’s the Super Bowl of award shows. I live for the red carpet and all the celebrities in one place. It’s like a snark fest.

Usually. Tonight was horrible. There weren’t any overly horrible dresses. There was some bad hair though. (I’m looking at you Renee Zellweger. That better be for a movie role.) There were no real moments. The best part of the night occurred on the red carpet about an hour before the show when Gary Busey attacked Ryan Seacrest and then Jennifer Garner and it was all very weird. And I’m not sure 1) why Gary Busey gets to go to the Oscars and 2) what the hell that dude was on, but Seacrest was FRIGHTENED.

Last year I did a recap of the show. And it was all long and boring, but people wore pretty dresses. This year I was over at MamaPop Talk starting at 6 PM to share all my comments with someone, anyone, besides my cats. And I didn’t have many. Because for the love of all that is good and holy, those montages were horrible. Can you imagine what it would have been like had there been no writers? It was one of the worst Oscars telecast I can remember.

And seriously, Enchanted? I’ve heard you are a good movie. But after seeing those three crappy songs performed, I don’t think I ever want to see you. And how awesome was it that they had the majority of the nominations and got shut out!

I didn’t see any of the movies. I actually wasn’t even rooting for anyone. I like that a stripper turned blogger turned screenwriter won an Oscar. Even if she dressed like a stripper to the OSCARS. You can’t see it in the photo, but the slit runs right up almost past her hoo hah. I saw more of her thigh than I cared to.

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Katherine Heigl had BAD hair. And BAD lipstick (it doesn’t need to match the exact shade of your dress, honey). And a weird circly thing on the shoulder. But it was very flattering. Even if EVERYONE wore red.

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Anne Hathaway improved drastically on her craptacular bow dress from last year. I actually liked the flowers on the shoulder thing. And her hair looked great too.

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Jennifer Hudson learned from a past mistake and ditched the space jacket. But didn’t really do much better.

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There was a disturbing trend of furry boob dresses.

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I don’t even know who this person is. And her winning an award for a movie I’ve never heard of doesn’t make me want to know any more about her. Especially after wearing this dress, which we MamaPop betches referred to as the “fish dress.” And I’m pretty sure it must look better in person because on TV it looked hideous. But everyone kept fawning over it on the red carpet.

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Heidi Klum looked stupid. And they are giving this dress away. Diet Coke is, according to their commercials. Why would I want to win this? And we won’t even get into the fact that that’s only about enough material to cover one of my legs.

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This guy is hot. But he kind of looks like Denny from Grey’s Anatomy. His acceptance speech was great!

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This was hands down the worst dress of the evening. It looks like a trash bag. It is ALL WRONG. And it’s cool that she rocked the no make-up, natural look, but still. It’s the Oscars. A little mascara or lipstick wouldn’t kill you. And fire your stylist. NOW.

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John Travolta and his spray-on hair made me want to run as far away as I could.

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I thought Felicity Keri Russel looked good. Although she should stay away from colors that make her translucent.

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And finally my favorite of the night, my new favorite girl crush because I think we’d totally be BFFs and I could go to the park with her and push Violet on the swings too, is Jennifer Garner. Who clearly is not pregnant. Unless she’s like 3 days pregnant.

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And it is a good thing I took Monday off from work. Because that six hours I spent watching all this madness sucked the life out of me. And I would kind of like a lot of that time back.

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Responses

  1. i cried when diablo cody won. they should not hold the oscars when i have pms. new law.

    i’m going to have to disagree with you on the grey’s anatomy girl, though. i thought her hair looked pretty as whipped cream.

  2. It’s like reading gofugyourself all over again. Fantastic.

  3. First of all, I love this post, great job! I’m in agreement with everything you said. A couple things to add: I think Katherine Heigl is a total douche, but last night? When she was on stage, voice quivering like crazy, sounding like she was on the verge of a breakdown while reading a teleprompter? I actually felt bad for her. She should have won an Oscar just for getting my sympathy for 2 minutes, for real.

    Diet Coke and a certain hair stylist should be shot for somehow making one of the most beautiful women in the world (who also seems so cool & fun that everyone wants to hang out with her) look exactly as you said, “stupid”.

    The “This guy was hot” dude is, as you know Javier Bardem– who has been tied as the love of my life with Jeremy Piven since I saw him in The Sea Inside, and for most of that movie he doesn’t even LOOK like himself, so that’s really saying something. He’s sizzling, SIZZLING hot, and will be my “Hump of the Month” post in March… though I’ll just be getting February’s up on Weds this week because I actually am doing a giveaway along with it of AUTOGRAPHED items donated by Feb’s hump of the month, who is not Javier Bardem but you should totally stop over on Weds and leave a comment to put you in the running to win anyway. 🙂 All for now!
    Jules
    House of Jules

  4. Furry boobs and fishes. I think you summed it up right there.

  5. V. boring. V. disappointed.

    I also live for the telecast and this year… bleh. Not a single moment that qualified as “exciting.”

  6. Diablo had to hold a card over her whooha while she was walking that slit was so damn high and I totally said the same thing re: the stripper showing up dressed like a stripper.

    I wish I had the Gary B. attack on the DVR. Jennifer Garner’s eyes were HUGE when he hugged her. It was so funny 🙂

  7. Only watched about an hour of the Oscars & went to bed….nothing in that hour got or kept my attention. Bummer.

  8. Holy cow! I just read that Diablo Cody is from LEMONT, IL….home of Nick burgers and Jerry Taft!

  9. So glad I didn’t waste my time.

  10. I was going to tell you that Diablo Cody is from Lemont but Mahnee beat me to it. There was an article in the local paper yesterday about her. Her parents had no clue about the stripper thing until they read the book. I’m glad she won.

    I agree the show was boring. But Jimmy Kimmel Live afterwards was hysterical.

  11. Girl, I wish you had been in my living room. I am with you on almost everything, except Renee Zellwiger’s hair (and I actually HATE that woman, but I liked her hair).

    What is up with John Travolta and that hair??? Has no one mentioned it to him? Maybe that’s the reason Kelly Preston is putting on weight?

    And I wonder if Jay from Pject season 1 made Heidi’s dress. As a consolation for her NOT wearing the one he made for her last time.

    And…if you watched the Barbara Walters special earlier, her slit was all the way up to her hoo-ha too! Maybe she was channeling Diablo Cody.

  12. Tilda Swinton looks like she showed up to the awards after a ten day heroin bender in that garbage bag.

  13. OK, I was painting last night while my wife was watching the beginning. Then she said this suxs, which i seconded and switched on her bull riding, which was much better. The bulls and some of those beatches looked the same. Then she went back and forth a few times, then we watched the last hour or so. Hearing some of the lame introductions, you thought that the writers were STILL on strike.

    A lackluster show, they must have been on downers, they needed to pass out some vivrain pills with Jolt Cola for a chaser then a Red Bull.

    Now that the highlight of your season is over, whats next? Olympic theme music and opening ceremony critiques?

    LOL

  14. Happy no work day!

    I loved Javier Bardem’s acceptance speech, too. His mama was so excited!!!

  15. Diablo Cody also worked as a copywriter at an advertising agency, something I find fascinating. I am completely enamored of that girl… even though she almost flashed her “working girl bits” to the audience when she walked off stage.

    And Katherine Heigl… I think my issue was less with her hair/lipstick and more with her blush/bronzer… in the fact there was WAY TOO DAMN MUCH OF IT.

  16. Okay, it looks like you superimposed Keri Russel’s head on someone else’s body. Really….go back and look. Her head looks HUGE compared…..

  17. That guy DOES look like Denny from Grey’s! Hmm, must explore him a bit more- cause I’ve been stalking Denny ever since they killed him off! 🙂

  18. I kinda dig the fish dress. And while Tilda Swinton looked HORRIBLE, I’ll forgive her, for at least she isn’t Hollywood swine.

    And I seriously thought that they accidentally showed Jeffrey Dean Morgan instead of Javier Bardem. Seriously- I was laughing at their “mistake” during the best supporting actor thing.

    And while I loved Katherine Heigl’s dress, what was up with the makeup? Eeek.

  19. I don’t watch the oscars or any of the celebrity stalker stuff. And the garbage bag dress belongs in the garbage, it freaked me out. Thanks for the recap!

  20. I heart Felicity.
    I will always heart Felicity.
    Even translucent Felicity.
    She is rad!

    And GOD, I want a body like Katherine Heigl’s.

  21. Oh my god, I knew there was something off about John Travolta’s hair and you totally nailed it…it must be spray on! Like this: http://www.onlyhairloss.com/glh/ HA!!

  22. Jennifer Hudson sucks.

    Jennifer Garner is AWESOME!

  23. I’ve just got to say that I think the Javier guy kind of looks like our boyfriend Matt Willig. What do you think? It’s settled that he is hot but don’t you think he looks like Willig?

  24. I don’t watch most awards shows, but I do love the red carpet pre-shows and the after shows when they make fun of what everyone is wearing! Thanks for wrapping it all up for me! Jennifer Hudson’s boobs look so wide in that ugly dress!

  25. I loved Jennifer Garner’s dress, too. I want to be her BFF with you, if that’s Ok 😉

    Also, I kind of liked the French girl’s dress (and her speech!). But I stand alone on a lot of things, I know.

    And Felicity! Eat a cheeseburger! Here, I’ll eat one for you.

  26. What the hell was up with Jennifer Hudson’s dress?! I was taking bets on when those twins were going to pop right out of that dress!
    And yes, after 6 hours of that snooze-festival I needed all of Monday to recoup. Good thing TNT had yet ANOTHER Law & Order marathon.


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