Posted by: kristabella | February 7, 2008

It’s Bacon!

Hey! You know who we haven’t heard from in awhile? BACON!

And when I say “we”, I mean you all. Because I hear from Bacon every night. He is constantly harassing me that he is a novelty and it has all worn off and maybe I could use him for his intended purpose, which is a folder, and make him feel more loved and useful.

But then I just smack him or make the cat chew on his Bacon spinner and tell him there is more where that came from if he doesn’t shut his damn frying-pan pie hole.

So to shut him up, and to provide all of you with a perfect ending to your work week, with fits of giggles and snorts, I give you Bacon. And his snarky answers to my Google searches.

(And if you’re new here, Bacon is a folder. And he gives answers to all life’s burning questions. Or at least the weird ass things people type in that little Google search box. Read up on it here and here and here. I’ll wait.) (Or maybe I should do it more than once a month so I don’t always have to explain it for my maybe one new reader.)

And on with the show.

“Hey, I’m old”
Sometimes Bacon wishes he didn’t have such a big damn mouth and go on and on about being neglected and gathering dust whilst perched on Kristabella’s coffee table at all times. Because right now that isn’t a bad place to be. Bacon is wondering why on Earth someone would search this. Is it because this person has no friends and really, really wanted to tell someone that “hey, I’m old”? To which Bacon says that you should “Tempt A Vegan” because they will not only care about your NEWS, they will probably also give you tips about eating vegetables all the time to make you younger. On the inside.

Monster trucks sidey
Does Bacon sound like a broken record yet? Because he’s thinking that the end of the coffee table is looking pretty damn good, right about now. What does this even mean, Bacon wonders. And when were these words ever written in this blog? And wouldn’t you have to get to search page 273 before you not only came across this blog with those words, but then you actually clicked here? And realized that Kristabella has nothing to do with monster trucks? And Bacon wants to know what a “sidey” is. He’d Google it, but he’d just end up right back here. And he doesn’t have any fingers. So what would Bacon do? Bacon would tell this assface to “Shrivel”. Maybe somewhere in the vicinity of some monster trucks sidey.

Fuse box inside my apartment wine
Bacon doesn’t know who the person is who searched this. But Bacon overheard Kristabella say something like “I don’t know who you are, but I know we would get along” when she read this search term. Because Bacon knows that when a fuse blows, the wine is the most important thing. At least in Kristabella’s world. But Bacon is OK with that because when Kristabella gets all liquored up, she wants to eat more Bacon. But to this searcher, Bacon’s assvice is to “Beckon” because someone as genius as yourself clearly does not need to get off the couch and you should have people bring you your wine.

Don’t call me a quitter I’ll fucking quit you
Apparently the stupid people have been on Google in the last month. This Mensa member should hang out with the dude from the first search item. Because they both clearly have things they need to share with other human beings. Yet they chose to share it with the internet. And Bacon won’t even get into the ass-backwards logic in this search term. Because if you’re being called a quitter, apparently you’ve already quit. So enough with your idle threats, Idiot Google Searcher, Bacon wants you to go fuck yourself. I mean, Bacon wants you to “Raise Cholesterol” and then go fuck yourself.

Sitting in pants full of shit
First off, Bacon wants to know how this searcher got into this situation. And lived to ask Google about it. Bacon also wonders what conclusion this person was looking for besides “take off the shitty pants and clean your damn self off.” And also, why you wouldn’t do that BEFORE asking Google. Bacon is not a doctor, but he is pretty sure that is very unsanitary and might cause some sort of rash. What would Bacon do? Bacon would “Smoke” because you need to set fire to those pants IMMEDIATELY and never speak of this incident again.

I need to pee
Bacon says see above. Bacon also says who cares. Unless this search term is some sort of weird tapping under the bathroom stall kind of clue and this person really wants R. Kelly to pee on them too. To which, Bacon has no words.

Bacon shoes
There is no better way to ruin a good slab of Bacon than to tie it to your feet and trudge around outside in the filth. Bacon is horrified at this image of people wasting good pieces of Bacon on something other than frying and eating and sitting in the warm, biley confines of one’s stomach. What would Bacon do? Besides sit in the corner in the fetal position and rock back and forth after a mass destruction of perfectly good Bacon? Bacon would “Hang Out with Hash Browns” because those fried potatoes really understand the trials and tribulations of Bacon.

Gynecologist gown opens
And Bacon pops out? Like a stripper out of a birthday cake? Bacon thinks that would be AWESOME! Bacon has no lady parts, so he doesn’t know what goes on over there at the lady doctor, besides hands going places they really shouldn’t go if there isn’t any alcohol involved. But Bacon would “Spit Hot Grease” right into the lady doctor’s eyes, so then you could close that gown right back up.

What would Bacon do?
No. Seriously? Someone searched the internet and all-knowing Google for Bacon’s own advice? Someone wants to know what Bacon really thinks? Does this mean Bacon has arrived? And can give up this dog and pony show and go out and become famous? And forget all about Kristabella and where he got his start? Just like all famous people do? You know what Bacon would do? Bacon would “Taste Really Good.” Because all Bacon can do is stick to the things he does best.

Fo Sizzle, Bacon. Now back to the coffee table!

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Responses

  1. I love Bacon. I think Bacon should be president.

    Also: man, but you get some strange search terms. At my blog, the best we can hope for is “ugly redhaired babies”. Damn.

  2. You know how much I adore when Bacon shows up around here!

    “Don’t call me a quitter I’ll fucking quit you”

    That is one of the best things I’ve read on the internet since the internet was invented by Al Gore. Hilarious!
    Jules
    House of Jules

  3. What a fun start to a Friday! I’m still laughing about the pants full of shit.

    TGIF!!!!!

  4. Fo Sizzle? ROFL ROFL ROFL

  5. As always, Bacon delivers…

  6. Um… this is kinda freaky.
    Not only did I just write a post about my nervousness and it’s relation to peeing, but I just read a post about Tyra Banks supposedly “messing” up her clothing at a fashion event and needing an extra pair…

    Tyra? TyTy? Are you searching the interwebs for answers to your problem? As much as I love Bacon, I think Ms. Banks needs to be reminded that Alli and fatty-mcfatterson Bacon are not a good combination.

  7. I love the Bacon entries. I was wondering what happened to him. 🙂

    The fifth one made me laugh out loud. Who searches these things?

  8. I actually just spit my water out when I saw “sitting in pants full of shit.”

    Your blog gets much better searches than mine, which all seem to revolve around Hannah Montana.

  9. Yay! I love it when we get to hear from Bacon. But those searches are scary. And how they pulled up your site is a mystery. But it’s good for the funny, so bring ’em on!

  10. Does Bacon resent Kosher Salt?

    Does bacon get terrified of a hot frying pan?

    Does bacon use lube?

    Does bacon look at bologna and say neener neener neener?

    I mean, all these important questions, its Friday, and people want to know about Bacon.

    I used to think Pee Wee Herman was funny, but girl, you are seriously a funny drug in need of an addict!

  11. I thought of you when I saw this http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=9330217

  12. I am new here and very much appreciate the bacon explanation!

  13. Gots to Sizzle on a Friday with Bacon!!!

  14. OMFG, I am sitting in my office, laughing obnoxiously out loud, tears streaming down my face. I’m very lucky that i’m the only one here right now, or might suspect me doing something other than work! Keep up the good work Bacon, keep up the good work.

  15. I want a Bacon, but we have magic 8 ball and he might get mad.

  16. You get much more interesting search terms than I do!


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