Posted by: kristabella | January 31, 2008

Apparently Snow Makes You Stupid

It’s snowing here. It has been snowing since this morning. The genius that is known as the weather people in Chicago called for a “light dusting” of snow today. And then a big snow storm to arrive this evening and mostly overnight. (Fun! Who hates winter?)

They were wrong. Because it has been snowing all day. And it was not a light dusting. And we’re supposed to get like 27 inches overnight. Or not. Because they have NO IDEA.

Thankfully, we got to leave a little early from work, which is nice when the snow is starting to accumulate on the side streets. (Chicago is a great city and really keeps those plows and salt trucks plugging away on the main streets. Which means EVERYONE takes the main streets. I brave the snow-packed side streets. Because I hate people. And traffic. In that order.) I drove very slowly home. And I realized that white, puffy flakes of frozen water falling out of the sky turns people into the biggest idiots in the world.

Halfway through the drive home, I was preparing to stop at a stop sign. This may seem like an easy task. But in a tiny Nissan Sentra with an inch or so of snow on the ground, it can lead to some sliding. I was preparing for a full stop (and not a customary pause and roll like normal) because there were pedestrians. And I really wasn’t trying to hit them. So I stopped. I fishtailed a little, but I stopped to let those fools cross. (It’s SNOWING! Stay inside with your child. Do NOT bring him outside!)

As I was sitting there, stopped, this fucking bitch is staring right at me and yelling at me to STOP. Which, let’s reiterate, I WAS stopped. It was like slow motion, her turning her head out her stupid fur-hooded jacket and mouthing, quite obnoxiously, to SSSSTTTTOOPPPPP. STOP! STOP!

So I jumped out of my car and gave her a roundhouse to the old noggin. Shut your pie hole, bitch!

Not really.

But because I hate stupid people and I wore my cranky pants all day today, just as she turned her back, I honked, waited for her to turn, and gave her the bird. I gave the finger to Idiot McStupidpants and her little kid, too. I don’t stop at trash talking 11-year olds with their grandparents. (Seriously, I need help. Or my own TV show.)

Not soon after that, I realized a co-worker was behind me. And probably noticed what childish and immature thing I just did. But I didn’t care. Because it was all I could do to not DRIVE OVER HER!

I finally got closer to home. I ran into some other stupid people who decided that because there was snow on the ground, it gave them full permission to drive down the middle of the street. Because that’s conducive to accidents in the snow, assholes.

Finally, I pulled down my street looking for a parking spot. Thankful that I got home a half hour earlier because the snow was starting to pile up, which means parallel parking gets a tad difficult. As I was driving down the street, some skank decided to STOP. In the middle of a ONE-WAY STREET. So NO ONE can get around. WHY? Why would someone do this? This is not acceptable. EVER.

Finally she pulled her damn head out of her ass and realized her douchebaggery and moved over a little. I pulled through, stopped, looked at her SQUARE IN THE EYES, and screamed profanities at her. Through my closed windows. But still. My looks can be quite powerful. Even in the dark. Well, that and the flailing hand gestures. Whyyyyy?

Then there was the stupid crossing guard. Ever since the Great Sink Hole of 2008, the City of Chicago has decided to put crossing guards/traffic cop-type people at certain intersections. Intersections with stop signs. Because apparently the sink hole ate our brains and we all forgot that that red octagon that says STOP actually means to STOP. Ess. Tee. Oh. Pee.

Well, this stupid crossing guard threw a little attitude my way. Which I did NOT APPRECIATE. Because I didn’t move fast enough through the intersection. Because, did I mention there was snow on the ground? And my tires we spinning quite a bit. And I did not want to die in a fiery car crash tonight. Lost is premiering for God’s sake.

I finally found a parking spot, after circling the block a few times. Not too far from the stupid woman who was STILL stopped in the almost-middle of the street. Which I let her know how idiotic it was, once I trudged through the snow on the way up to my apartment. Shouting at her in what I’m sure sounded like Swahili that you “shouldn’t park in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET!” Because stupid people need to know they are STUPID.

Thankfully, I came home to warm slippers. Which was quite helpful since I did not wear snow-appropriate shoes to work today since it wasn’t supposed to snow until the EVENING. And the giddy thoughts of Jack, Sawyer, Locke and the gang. And the fact that I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to hopefully get this stupid thing cut out of my lip which means that I can actually sleep in a bit because my appointment isn’t until 9:30.

I’ll need to remember these few of my favorite things as I shovel my car out of its parking spot tomorrow morning. That bitch better hope she isn’t still parked in the middle of the street. Otherwise she better duck as that pile of snow comes right off the end of my shovel right at her big, fat fucking stupid head.

/rant

Edited to add: Lost, WTF? I realize now why the producers do this nine-month lapse in between new episodes. Because we forgot how irritating you are. Why? Why do you make more questions roll around my head? Why do you do it? It makes me feel stupid. And me no likey. But I’ll be right back in front of the TV all engrossed next Thursday like this week never happened. You’re like crack that way.

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Responses

  1. I feel your pain. I normally don’t drive in the snow, I sit in the house and think “Oh, pretty!” I got to drive yesterday and while it wasn’t horrible yet it sure wasn’t pretty either.

    Glad you made it home safely. Unless your showshoeing to your dentists appointment I wonder if your going to make it.

    We probably got a good 10 inches out here in the northwestern boonies.

  2. I wonder if that woman actually thought SHE was stopping your car by commanding it to do so. Odd. People are really stupid this time of year, I totally agree!

    Your edit on Lost made me laugh out loud b/c I was thinking the same thing. I even told my friends that show could kiss my ass this time around, that I was finished with it.. DONE. I ended up getting sucked in about halfway through so I’ll have to watch it online over the weekend. Damn writers strike.
    Jules
    House of Jules

  3. Ah! More Crack -er- I mean Lost addicts! YES! I’ve said all along ….. they may answer one question, but not without tossing a few more into your head at the same time. (sigh) Is it next Thursday yet? I’ve got the shakes already.

  4. Rain also makes people stupid. You’d think being in Houston (which is ALMOST a rainforest and no I’m not kidding) people would be used to it by now, but no. Asshat central the minute an errant sprinkle hits the ground.

  5. Well, if you had this much fun going home Thursday, you are in for the time of your life today. There’s an effing foot of snow by Midway…no one has shoveled so trudging to the bus through the snow makes me “feel the burn” in my legs….especially my calves. And you know what? I’m too effing old to “feel the burn”….why the eff didn’t I just stay home? Oh, I know. Your grandmother would have driven me to stab needles in my eyes.

    Come on spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. The best man, his wife and child are back in Chi-town visiting this weekend… I’ll tell them to watch out for the white Sentra. 😉

  7. Hahaha, that post was hilarious. Mostly because I TOTALLY understand your snow-related frustrations. We got a big dumping of snow last night too, and since I also have the leave the house today, I won’t be surprised if I end up flipping off the first person I see.

    And yes, Lost? What the hell? Argghhhhhh.

  8. Argh, it’s commuting stories like that that reminds me how lucky I am to walk to work. When I was commuting to DC, I swear I became like Linda Blair in the Exorcist from all of the idiots I encountered on the road.
    And LOST? Love it, but it’s making me all anxious now when I watch it! I’m too emotionally invested or something!

  9. Aw, you had a bad afternoon. I’m never afraid to drive in the snow myself … it’s always the assholes who can’t drive themselves that make me nervous.

    And I HATE stupid people. Why are stupid people allowed to breed?

  10. Okay, lady – make your plans to come visit me now! We don’t have snow here. Unless you go to the mountains. And that snow is pretty and peaceful and yada yada. Also – your comment about Lost is the reason I’ve never watched one episode. I wasted years of my TV viewing life watching Alias, only to never have any of the questions answered and the last few seasons were so lame I gave up with two seasons to go. J.J. Abrams is infuriating and I hope Lost doesn’t end up for you the way Alias did for me.

  11. I have ZERO tolerance for STUPID drivers, especially in bad weather.

    Don’t you wish we could mount Uzi’s on our hoods?

    LOST .. I have never missed one second of one episode. Silly, that’s the whole idea … answer one question while presenting another =)

  12. Snow makes people here stupid too, so maybe it’s a global thing? I could see if we lived in a climate like Arizona or southern California that people might not understand how to handle a vehicle in inclement weather, but seriously: this is BOSTON. How the hell do you not understand snow?!

  13. If it’s any consolation, it’s 80+ degrees here, sunny, and a short walk to everywhere, no driving. Wait, that’s probably not any consolation at all.

    You crack me up. “Douchebaggery?” Lovely, lovely word. Possibly my new favorite.

  14. This is why I just don’t go out in the snow AT ALL. That and the fact that over here, even a light smattering is enough to make the entire country grind to a halt…

  15. Ugh – sounds like you had a rough commute. As an Atlanta resident, I can confidently say that it doesn’t even take precipitation to make our drivers stupid. But when you add snow (like two weeks ago), or even our usual rain, OH SWEET BABY JESUS, THE HEAVENS, THEY ARE A-COMIN’ DOWN ON US!

    This morning, as I was coming to a 4-way stop to turn into my building, the lane heading opposite next to me was backed all the way to the intersection. Yet the lady to my right (who was turning left) still felt the need to pull into the intersection, thereby blocking me for a good 3 minutes… which doesn’t sound long, but when you’re staring down some little beotch who is preventing you from turning left to get both your morning Starbucks and get to your desk on time, it’s a nightmare!!!!!

    Okay, I’m done. Thank goodness that pedicures make me a happy person.

  16. I thought about you this morning. I had a conference call with people in Chicago. I hope you make it through the weekend and I really hope you have wine stocked in your apt. I’d hate for you to have to go out to get some.

  17. Haha, I think you are freakin’ AWESOME for “expressing yourself” behind the wheel 🙂 I was always too timid to do this until I started driving around town as part of my job.

  18. Oh stupid drivers. Why must you be so stupid? Do you need to take a driver’s education class?

  19. Stupid people suck. And OMG I missed Lost! I hate working Thursday nights! I miss all the good shit!

  20. People that can’t drive (period, but especially) in the snow should STAY HOME. Or hire me to drive them. I’d be OK with that, too.

  21. Wow, you really are selling me on moving to Chicago with this one, Kristabella! I love stupid people and snowstorms!

    Not really.

    Also… I got mad at LOST last night, too, which is sad because it is my one true love.

  22. I laughed hysterically at the image of you driving around like a woman possessed shrieking things and gesturing madly at everyone in sight. Oh how I would love to go driving with you someday K!

  23. I’m right there with you on Lost. It’s like the Sopranos. How friggin’ long do they expect us to wait. And there was this one show that I liked that had four episodes and then a huge break.

    Of course, I’m in love with Gossip Girl, so we all know my judgment is for sh#t.

    And where I grew up, in Memphis, people tended to see any amount of snow as an excuse to try a 360; or maybe they weren’t, and were just stupid about driving in the snow. Because in Memphis, the snow removal system is called Spring.

  24. We ended up with 4 inches. They closed school the night before!

  25. So was it at least a pretty snow?

  26. I am so with you sister!! I actually had a cross-walk guard at the airport tell me to….”WALK WITH A BETTER ATTITUDE!!” OMG it took every ounce of self control NOT to ask him if they gave him a squirt gun with that uniform. And of course not to laugh my ass off too loudly. 🙂


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