Posted by: kristabella | January 1, 2008

Bacon Says – 2008 v.1

Bacon wanted to start 2008 off with wishing all of you a Happy New Year. And Bacon really hopes all of you have a great 2008. And eat a lot of Bacon. Because it is good. And Bacon paid a lot of money to that Dr. Atkins guy to include a lot of Bacon in that diet of his.

So for those of you who might be new to Kristabella, you might want to go back and read this post. And this one. And probably this one too.

Basically, Bacon is a folder that gives you advice about what Bacon would do when life hands you a problem. And a frying pan. And I in turn ask Bacon to answer my Google search terms. Because I don’t understand why people search for “drunk cats” period, let alone search “drunk cats” to find my site. Because I am far too selfish. My cats don’t get any alcohol. Unless they lick the empty wine bottles in the recycling bin. Which, let’s face it people, happens quite often since they are my cats.

Bacon is actually reluctantly doing this since Kristabella failed to mention Bacon as one of the bright spots of 2007. And Kristabella has apologized profusely. Because she figured it was understood that Bacon is always the highlight. Of every second of the day.

And now on to the search terms.

Are candy wrappers recyclable?
Bacon appreciates that some person out there is really concerned about the environment and making sure we have a planet left to live on for the kids and future Bacon eaters of the world. Bacon also says “Tempt a Vegan” because he thinks that a Vegan asked this question. Because they had low blood sugar and then felt guilty about eating candy that may have been made with milk or pig grease and in that moment when their blood sugar dropped, figured that to put the world back in balance, Vegan should do something good for the planet. And this is why Bacon hates Vegans. Eat some Bacon. Then you won’t be so damn crazy.

1977 cell phone
Bacon wonders if there really were cell phones in 1977. Or if some nerd typed in cell phone with some arbitrary year. Albeit a great year, since that is the year of our Lord’s Kristabella’s birth. Upon some research on Wikipedia, Bacon read a lot of words and got bored and thinks maybe there were cell phones in 1977, but they were large bricks and something like Zack Morris’. To which Bacon says “Raise Cholesterol” because Bacon had a big crush on Kelly Kapowski and she could really get his blood flowing. As long as he was still uncooked.

Girl glasses nice feet “bad eyes”
Bacon isn’t really sure about this one. Because Bacon, in all his genius, doesn’t understand what a girl’s feet has to with her being a four-eyed freak with glasses. Bacon thinks that maybe since the “girl” in question has glasses, the asker of this was wondering if it is OK to avoid looking this four-eyed freak in the eye and instead just stare at her feet. Which happen to be “nice feet.” To which Bacon says “Sizzle.” Fo Sizzle.

Stories little preteen daughter wants
Bacon must have missed something. Because he sits up in this apartment every damn day, on the edge of the coffee table, never getting out of the house for an adventure, and he’s never seen a kid. Let alone a preteen daughter. So Bacon is starting to question the intelligence of people who use Google. Since Bacon spends his time alternating between daydreaming about Kelly Kapowski and fighting off the stupid cats in this apartment, he has no advice about stories. Especially stories for preteens. So Bacon says “Hang Out With Hashbrowns” because clearly Hashbrowns know better what a preteen girl wants.

Deer in headlights bobblehead
Bacon never understood the whole bobblehead craze. I mean, have you seen most of these bobbleheads? They very rarely end up looking like the person they are modeled after. So in turn, you usually end up with a bobblehead that looks like your old boss and well, that’s just kind of creepy. But Bacon wonders what this deer in headlights bobblehead would look like. Bacon wonders, would it be an actual deer with an actual car coming towards it? Or would it be some person supposed to look like someone that isn’t your old boss with their eyes open really wide? Because either would be pretty stupid. Bacon wonders if people would keep this on their desk at work. And instead of an easy button when life blindsides them, they’ll just hold up the bobblehead. To show all just how they are feeling at that particular moment. Like instead of running away. So what would Bacon do? Bacon would “Smoke” because then Bacon could get the fuck out of that situation, since you can’t smoke inside. Or he might just “Spit Hot Grease” because nothing makes Bacon happier than spitting hot grease at stupid people. Bacon says it is fun and we should all try it.

Bitches with brackets
Bacon isn’t sure if this person was wondering about bitches who get all into the NCAA Tournament in March, a kind of March Madness if you will, or if this person really wanted to search [bitches] but didn’t know which one was brackets. Because it also could have been {bitches} or (bitches) and really to stop all the confusion, it is just easier to ask about “bitches with brackets.” Bacon, for one, hates the bitches with winning brackets in March. But Bacon would “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” because everyone, including Bacon, knows that if someone is a bitch, it usually means girl just needs to eat something and give the bitch a damn sammich.

So there we have it. Looks like Bacon is going to have a good year.



  1. I was really hoping Bacon would be back sometime this year, and it was a thrill to experience him so early in 2008! I hope you open up the floor for questions again. His answer to my, “Why are you so very tasty” question last time really helped me understand his complexity. Not that I would ever suggest Bacon has any help formulating his answers, but I’m just sayin’ that if he did, whoever helps him out is a fricking genius. 😉
    House of Jules

  2. Oh, I like Bacon…..;)

  3. Bacon is so funny! He could have his own reality TV show!!

  4. Bacon is going to have an excellent year! That “nice feet” thing though? Creeepy.

  5. Bacon is a good way to start any day…..

  6. Thanks, Bacon…you gave me a good laugh just when I was feeling depressed about being back at work. 🙂

  7. I am strangely hungry after reading this post. I wonder if there are any pork products to be had in the school cafeteria…?

  8. I bet bacon is allergic to hot frying pans or electric skillets.

    I mean, remove the fat, and you have lean bacon, and lean bacon gathers no moss.

    have a great year bacon!

  9. Oh Bacon. You are wise and great. Hail to Bacon!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: