Posted by: kristabella | December 12, 2007

Creativity, Where Have You Gone?

I actually have something I want to write about. I just don’t think I should. Because I don’t know how people will react. And it’s the season of giving and I don’t think that means giving people reasons to hate me.

So I’m going to do a Christmas meme. Because Marianne tagged me like weeks ago. But I just realized it now because of my lapse in blog reading and my lack of an attention span.

And away we have it!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags ?

Well, with negative dollars in my account, I don’t think it matters what I wrap the AIR I’m getting for everyone in. Sorry to ruin the surprise for any of you expecting gifts. You’re getting air. And if you’ve been really good? The only other thing I’ll be giving out is hugs.

2. Real tree or artificial?

Well, if I wasn’t lazy and had time, I’d get a real tree. Oh wait, if I wasn’t lazy and had time, I might actually have a tree. But my imaginary tree is real and has a nice pine scent. Because I put a bowl of Pine Sol underneath it.

3. When do you put up the tree? 

Man, lugging those imaginary boxes down from the imaginary attic in my apartment took a LOT of work. So I would have liked to put it up after Thanksgiving, but I didn’t get the chance until last weekend. It’s a good thing, though, because this way my imaginary tree won’t get all dried out and burn my apartment down when my imaginary house elf Greta gets into the imaginary matches one afternoon while I’m at work.

4. When do you take the tree down?

The good thing about imaginary trees is that you can leave them up as long as you’d like! I usually aim to take it down in May. Because once it gets warmer the tree tends to block the air flow through the open windows. Plus, the cats start to bat the imaginary ornaments around and nothing sucks more than waking up at 3 AM to the sound of imaginary ornaments breaking.

5. Do you like eggnog?

People should not drink eggs. Eggs are to be eaten. With Bacon, preferably. But if it has enough booze in it, I’ll drink it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

Underwear

7. Do you have a nativity scene?

I did, but Simba ate one of the wise men and Kitty Kitty pooped out baby Jesus. So we had to put it in one of the imaginary boxes that the imaginary tree decorations go in. Right next to the idiot who came up with this question.

8. Hardest person to buy for?

No one. That’s the good thing about giving air or hugs. They hit the mark 100% of the time.

9. Easiest person to buy for?

Myself. I appreciate it the most. Unlike that imaginary house elf. She’s an ungrateful piece of shit. She better watch herself of she’ll be suffocating here soon.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

I can’t say. Because Simba is reading over my shoulder and seriously, those socks he gave me last year were hideous.

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11. Mail or email Christmas cards?

Well, seeing as the majority of today was spent typing out the labels for the 150 Christmas cards I’m sending this year, I don’t think I need to answer that.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?

That one with a burning log in a fireplace. It’s gripping. Be sure to catch it this holiday season.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

January. That’s when the air is at its most fresh.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

Once I finished the bottle.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Fermented grapes in liquid form.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?

Clear lights tend to get lost in the background when the tree is imaginary.

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

I have to travel to my mom’s. Which means I have to shower and get dressed to drink wine. The world is full of small sacrifices.

18. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s?

Is one of them Bacon? Or is his name Venison?

19. Angel on the tree top or a star?

The top of my tree has pointy branches and needles that are painful.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

Both. Air is the gift that keeps on giving. Otherwise, you die. And I’m so generous with the hugs. I’ll even give them out on non-holidays.

21. What’s the most annoying thing this time of the year?

Besides memes? Oh wait, those are annoying all times of year.

22. What I love most about Christmas?

The wine I spill on myself goes unnoticed on my red Christmas pajamas sweater.

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Responses

  1. you need to find male companionship, pronto! and i’ll see you in the dirty dirty at the end of the year… atl/buckhead, be therrrre!

  2. Did you know that all the reindeer’s depicted in Santas garage (stable sounds so much like a pimp and his ho’s) are female. They are. Since male reindeer’s drop their antlers in winter, but not females. So Santa is real kinky when he is on his nighttime B&E (breaking and entering) crime spree, I mean gift giving.

    And I am sure that your real cat plays with the imaginary ornaments on the tree. Here is a quick cure to stop that chit. Next time you set up said tree with the pine sol (I love that, that is so funny) for the lower limbs hang set mice traps sprayed with glitter. When Simba and the other feline swipe at it, SNAP!!! they will get the hint after two of those.

    So your imaginary ornaments will never break again.

    have a great day.

    ps, how did you get the nick bacon?

  3. Hilarious! I think I’m just giving hugs for Christmas next year–great idea.

    btw…just this week work blocked comments on live journal and blogspot, but not wordpress! 🙂 weird.

  4. also….i’m going to do this meme on our blog
    http://www.strattonlife.com
    It won’t be as funny or snarky as yours, but I’m trying to post more, since I hardly ever do.

  5. Ughhhh, so sucky. I just realized that the blog bar thingy at the top of the page that lets you create a new post is blocked. I can read the content, but there is a banner going across the top with the whole this site is blocked, blah, blah, inappropriate content blah, blah.
    Uh, the nerve. I guess they don’t want us blogging at work. Dumb.

  6. So I’m sitting at my desk at 9:42, eating my Honey Nut Cheerios and going through my fucking Bloglines, and I read this:

    “14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

    Once I finished the bottle.”

    So the remainder of my morning will be filled with cleaning bits of Honey Nut Cheerios out of my monitor and keyboard. Thank you.

  7. I laughed SO hard at #10.

  8. Christmas presents (for adults) are over-rated. I’m with you. Have plenty o’ wine on hand. GT2.

    Hi Simba!

  9. What the hell is it with cats and little religious people?

  10. Dear lord. Poor baby Jesus. Got shit on. Such a shame!

    P.S. My air present came today! Thank you!

  11. I have been bemoaning the fact that I don’t have a tree… but I just realized! I have an IMAGINARY tree, just like you! Aren’t they the MOST festive?

  12. Oooh, I think you should write about the thing you don’t think you should …!

  13. Don’t mess with Simba!

  14. Ha! That was hilarious! Santa should totally have a reindeer named Bacon. “Bacon, the non-red meat reindeer…”


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