Posted by: kristabella | December 11, 2007

The Bacon Is In

It is the moment you have all been waiting for. Well, maybe just the eight or so people who submitted questions. Although, you submitted them like back in November, so those people probably don’t care either.

So without further ado, Bacon is here to answer all your questions. With all his infinite wisdom. And by infinite, I mean the 12 options available that the spinning piece of Bacon can land on.

Question from Katie: Dear and Holy Bacon, will I ever put together a scrapbook, or will all of those ticket stubs and pictures and brochures rot in a shoebox for the rest of time?

Answer: Bacon thinks you should “Tempt a Vegan.” Maybe with some uncooked vegetables. Because anyone crazy enough to be a Vegan would probably also be willing to do your scrapbooking for you. Until they pass out because one cannot live without meat. And because air and celery have no nutritional value.

Question from Momma K: Why do solicitor’s come into my office to sell me crappy crap when there is a sign that says ‘no soliciting’?

Answer: Bacon says that you should “Spit Hot Grease” because people are stupid. And nothing like a good, old burn blister will teach them to stay the fuck away.

Question from Rich: Will those Seahawks make the NFC Championship Game?

Answer: Bacon wants you to think about maybe having some interests outside of your job. He also thinks the answer is to “Hang Out With Hashbrowns.” Hashbrowns are also sometimes known as the Chicago Bears. Since neither of you will be playing in the NFC Championship Game this season.

Question from Amber: Why do some people like to sit and “sunbathe” around the pool at the gym? (That is an indoor pool, by the way, with no sun, and not even a particularly hot air temperature.) WHY?

Answer: Bacon again wants to point out that people are fucking idiots. And sometimes, even the wisdom of Bacon cannot explain the insanity that is the human race. It’s why Bacon is so glad he is a piece of meat. But Amber, have no fear, Bacon says to “Put the ‘B’ in BLT,” which is what these fucktards are. They are BLTs. Where the B stands for Batshit. Because we all know that BLT stands for Batshit Loony Tossers. (Bacon studied a semester in London and is comfortable using English slang.)

Question from Mahnee (aka my mom): Bacon, a compact with powdered blush fell on the carpeting at home & broke into a million pieces. As I tried to PICK UP the pieces of blush, they ground INTO the carpet. How do I get the blush out of the carpet before Kristabella’s Gram sees it? Right now, I’m covering it with throw rugs so I need a new option.

Answer: Bacon had an answer. But he couldn’t use it. Because he would be going to hell. And Bacon plus heat does not a good thing make. So Bacon spun again and came up with “Smoke” because that’s all the advice he can give Mahnee because Bacon knows when Grandma finds out, she is so going to kick Mahnee’s ass. Enjoy those last few cancer sticks, Mom.

Question from Hotfessional: Is there any way to guarantee a Pitt victory over WVU on Saturday so I don’t have to listen to people hail the Mountainqueers?

Answer: Bacon apologizes for Kristabella and that she is a lazy cow and this question is weeks old. And that WVU did indeed lose to Pitt. But Bacon would like to say that although Hotfessional was pleased, he would really like West Virginia to “Shrivel” since their losing fucked up the BCS and cost Arizona State a good bowl game.

Question from Julie: Mr. Bacon, Wilbur Wildcat is coming over tomorrow (it’s my turn to host), and I really, really can’t stand him. Do I have to let him visit? What should I do? Regards, Sparky.

Answer: Again, an outdated question that had no meaning because Kristabella should seriously get off the couch some times and DO something, but Bacon will impart wisdom nonetheless. Bacon says to “Sizzle” because we all know that Sparky is hot shit and a much bigger person than stupid Wilbur Wildcat. Plus Bacon says that you should just show Wilbur the box scores from the last 10 years or so. And also, Bacon says that Wilbur should shut his fucking furry pie hole since he’s never been to the Rose Bowl.

Question from Jenn: Dumb people tend to multiply at younger ages and make many, many babies. Will the stupid, dumb people eventually outnumber the smart, responsible people?

Answer: First off, Bacon thinks stupid people already do outnumber the smart people. And this is a sad state of affairs. Bacon would also like to tell you to “Boycott Tofu” because then all the stupid people will eat all the tofu in the world and then die early because who the fuck eats that shit? Meat is where it’s at, people. You can’t beat meat.

Question from Jules: Bacon, why are you so delicious?

Answer: Because we all know I am a superior meat, Bacon says. And also because the Wheel of Bacon landed on “Taste Really Good.” Because the Wheel doesn’t lie.

This is the Word of Bacon.

Thanks be to Pork.



  1. YAY, I was hoping my question would get answered by the all-flavorful bacon! “Thanks be to Pork” is right. My favorite part was this: “Bacon again wants to point out that people are fucking idiots.”

    House of Jules

  2. Bacon is so smart. It has been “stupid people month” since the 1st…no signs of ending either.

    Pork be with you.

  3. Hee! I forgot I even asked that question. Yea, sorry about that, but y’know, the Mountainqueers needed to be dropped down a few spots.

  4. Bacon, does the use of Kosher salt in making bacon tear at the cosmic fabric of life?

    I mean, isnt the use of kosher salt AND pork bellies create the ultimate oxymoron?

  5. So, what Bacon is saying then, is that he doesn’t like Wilbur Wildcat either?

    I heart Bacon!


  6. If Bacon was so smart, he’d know what question I wanted to ask but was too lazy to email Kristabella, and would have answered it. But he’s not. He’s just bacon.

  7. bacon has obviously been on the burner too long.

  8. May the pork be with you!

  9. Dude. How did I never ask bacon a question? 😦

  10. Oh Bacon, you are so wise. Hot grease it is!!

  11. Is it wrong that I love both bacon AND tofu? I’m a peacenik!

  12. Bacon, you are a genius. Amgoingtofindavegantodomyscrapbookingformerightnow.

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