Infinite Wisdom

This post is going to be all over the place. I do have a point. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads. But there are a few things I need to say. And something tells me I just need to say them now. Probably because we went out to a bar after work. And they have $3 Jack & Cokes on Thursdays. And I think I fell in love with this new bar.

FIRST THING! People are already getting the boot at work. The axe is falling tomorrow people. Wish me luck. I’m feeling good about it. But we all know I’m an idiot.

SECOND THING! (What the fuck is up with the ALL CAPS and the excessive use of exclamation points, you ask? I don’t know. But I actually use a lot of exclamation points! Like! All the time! Ask anyone who emails with me!) Blogger can kiss my ass. I knew there was a reason that I didn’t sign up for your craptastic free blogging service when I started. Now, unless you have a Blogger account, there is no linky love. So if I leave my Blogger account link, people have to click on that to get to my profile and then click to my blog. And let’s face it, people are lazy. And I’m not that funny. Not funny enough for a second click. And I’m a whore for blog traffic.

THIRD THING! But see, I still love all my people on Blogger. So much so that I indeed signed up for a Blogger account. Hoping that I’m the only person this lazy. Because otherwise, you all have a sink full of dishes that go back to last Wednesday as well. And really? That’s gross. And I hope you’re not all as gross as me.

FOURTH THING! I can never remember if forty is spelled with a U or not. Why isn’t it?

FIFTH THING! If you’re not reading The Hotfessional’s site, you are all going to be flogged. Or something. Is that even a word? Fine, you’ll all be forced to drink warm beer! *GASP* The horror! (Actually, I’m sure my mom just fainted.) And if you read her for nothing else, read her for this. She randomly picked one of my 201 things and wrote about it. And it’s totally fiction. And awesome!

So the point of my post tonight before the THINGS was going to be about Bacon. Because, in all my turmoil that is my life, I have neglected to look to him and his advice. I mean, he is knower of all things.

Tonight, I will pose a few questions to Bacon. Because fuck hearsay and speculation, Bacon KNOWS. So I am just stupid and unwise in not asking him in the first place. I could have saved myself a lot of sleepless nights. I know. I shall flog myself later, Bacon, for not consulting you earlier.

Question 1: Why does Kitty Kitty insist on eating paper? And important papers at that? What should I do?

Answer: Bacon says “Taste Really Good.” Because apparently humans are the stupid ones missing out on the great taste, less filling of paper.

Question 2: If I lose my job tomorrow, what should I do?

Answer: Bacon says I’m not going to like this answer. He says “Shrivel.” Because, well, I’m old, unmarried with no kids and my biological clock is ticking. And on top of it, I’m going to be unemployed. No one will ever marry me. Cut your losses now and just get more cats.

Question 3: My life guide gives crappy advice, how should I dispose of him?

Answer: Bacon says that I am an ungrateful bitch. And this is why I’m still single. And he also says “Boycott Tofu” because people who eat that shit are more pathetic than crazy, dried up spinsters with cats like myself.

(Apologies to anyone who actually enjoys tofu. Bacon is a little salty tonight. Well, he’s salty every night. It’s the blessing and the curse of being a salty, cured meat.)

Question 4: These dirty dishes are really getting out of hand. But I just can’t bring myself to clean them. Because I’m so distraught with the job thing. And it has nothing to do with the laziness. Should I hire someone?

Answer: Bacon says “Put the ‘B’ in BLT.” Which means “shut your fucking trap Bitch (which starts with B) and just do the damn dishes like every other adult in the God damned world. And I swear to God and all that is holy, stop asking me these damn ridiculous questions. I should be consulted for important things. Why couldn’t I have been sent to someone in the U.S. government?”

Well, I think Bacon is done for tonight. After I take him out back to flog him. Publicly. Because who wouldn’t want to see a good flogging of meat?

Wow. I’m so going to have some nasty porn searches now. And Bacon will not be pleased. Because he’s the one who has to answer that shit.

Anyway. But now I open it up to all of you. I want YOU! Yes, YOU! To submit your questions to Bacon. And he will compile them all and answer them. And I promise, he’ll pick the day he’s not wearing his cranky pants. Ungrateful Bacon. I give him a nice home and let him roam free while I’m at work. Hrmpff.

So leave your questions in the comments. Or email me. And sometime next week, he will answer all your general wonderings.

I mean, isn’t there something you have just been sitting there wondering What Would Bacon Do?

Well wonder no more.