Posted by: kristabella | November 29, 2007

Infinite Wisdom

This post is going to be all over the place. I do have a point. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads. But there are a few things I need to say. And something tells me I just need to say them now. Probably because we went out to a bar after work. And they have $3 Jack & Cokes on Thursdays. And I think I fell in love with this new bar.

FIRST THING! People are already getting the boot at work. The axe is falling tomorrow people. Wish me luck. I’m feeling good about it. But we all know I’m an idiot.

SECOND THING! (What the fuck is up with the ALL CAPS and the excessive use of exclamation points, you ask? I don’t know. But I actually use a lot of exclamation points! Like! All the time! Ask anyone who emails with me!) Blogger can kiss my ass. I knew there was a reason that I didn’t sign up for your craptastic free blogging service when I started. Now, unless you have a Blogger account, there is no linky love. So if I leave my Blogger account link, people have to click on that to get to my profile and then click to my blog. And let’s face it, people are lazy. And I’m not that funny. Not funny enough for a second click. And I’m a whore for blog traffic.

THIRD THING! But see, I still love all my people on Blogger. So much so that I indeed signed up for a Blogger account. Hoping that I’m the only person this lazy. Because otherwise, you all have a sink full of dishes that go back to last Wednesday as well. And really? That’s gross. And I hope you’re not all as gross as me.

FOURTH THING! I can never remember if forty is spelled with a U or not. Why isn’t it?

FIFTH THING! If you’re not reading The Hotfessional’s site, you are all going to be flogged. Or something. Is that even a word? Fine, you’ll all be forced to drink warm beer! *GASP* The horror! (Actually, I’m sure my mom just fainted.) And if you read her for nothing else, read her for this. She randomly picked one of my 201 things and wrote about it. And it’s totally fiction. And awesome!

So the point of my post tonight before the THINGS was going to be about Bacon. Because, in all my turmoil that is my life, I have neglected to look to him and his advice. I mean, he is knower of all things.

Tonight, I will pose a few questions to Bacon. Because fuck hearsay and speculation, Bacon KNOWS. So I am just stupid and unwise in not asking him in the first place. I could have saved myself a lot of sleepless nights. I know. I shall flog myself later, Bacon, for not consulting you earlier.

Question 1: Why does Kitty Kitty insist on eating paper? And important papers at that? What should I do?

Answer: Bacon says “Taste Really Good.” Because apparently humans are the stupid ones missing out on the great taste, less filling of paper.

Question 2: If I lose my job tomorrow, what should I do?

Answer: Bacon says I’m not going to like this answer. He says “Shrivel.” Because, well, I’m old, unmarried with no kids and my biological clock is ticking. And on top of it, I’m going to be unemployed. No one will ever marry me. Cut your losses now and just get more cats.

Question 3: My life guide gives crappy advice, how should I dispose of him?

Answer: Bacon says that I am an ungrateful bitch. And this is why I’m still single. And he also says “Boycott Tofu” because people who eat that shit are more pathetic than crazy, dried up spinsters with cats like myself.

(Apologies to anyone who actually enjoys tofu. Bacon is a little salty tonight. Well, he’s salty every night. It’s the blessing and the curse of being a salty, cured meat.)

Question 4: These dirty dishes are really getting out of hand. But I just can’t bring myself to clean them. Because I’m so distraught with the job thing. And it has nothing to do with the laziness. Should I hire someone?

Answer: Bacon says “Put the ‘B’ in BLT.” Which means “shut your fucking trap Bitch (which starts with B) and just do the damn dishes like every other adult in the God damned world. And I swear to God and all that is holy, stop asking me these damn ridiculous questions. I should be consulted for important things. Why couldn’t I have been sent to someone in the U.S. government?”

Well, I think Bacon is done for tonight. After I take him out back to flog him. Publicly. Because who wouldn’t want to see a good flogging of meat?

Wow. I’m so going to have some nasty porn searches now. And Bacon will not be pleased. Because he’s the one who has to answer that shit.

Anyway. But now I open it up to all of you. I want YOU! Yes, YOU! To submit your questions to Bacon. And he will compile them all and answer them. And I promise, he’ll pick the day he’s not wearing his cranky pants. Ungrateful Bacon. I give him a nice home and let him roam free while I’m at work. Hrmpff.

So leave your questions in the comments. Or email me. And sometime next week, he will answer all your general wonderings.

I mean, isn’t there something you have just been sitting there wondering What Would Bacon Do?

Well wonder no more.

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Responses

  1. Oh dear lord. I love bacon. Man, I wish you could hear the way I’m saying bacon in my head. It’s like beh con in a frech accent. Yes, french bacon.

    Ok here’s my question:

    Why do solicitor’s come into my office to sell me crappy crap when there is a sign that says ‘no soliciting’?

  2. i’m a double clicker. i find word press sites all the time from blogger. but i like finding new blogs to read. it bothers me when i click on my google reader and it is empty. that is the main reason why i think weekends are stupid.

  3. this might be the best ever! here is my q!… will those hawks make the nfc championship game???????

  4. I swear, KJ; the more I read your blog, the more I wonder if we aren’t twins separated at birth. We have so much in common it’s a little odd, to be honest… and by “odd”, I mean “comforting”.

    Anyway, here’s my question for bacon (and WHO HASN’T ALWAYS SECRETLY KNOWN THAT BACON IS VERY, VERY WISE?):

    Bacon: Why are you so delicious?

    Also, good luck tomorrow!
    Jules
    House of Jules

  5. Good luck with the job – everything is crossed for you. Also: I’m totally with you on the Blogger thing – I mean, what’s that about?

    Anyway, mu question for Bacon: Why do some people like to sit and “sunbathe” around the pool at the gym? (That is an indoor pool, by the way, with no sun, and not even a particularly hot air tempertatre.) WHY?

  6. Bacon, a compact with powdered blush fell on the carpeting at home & broke into a million pieces. As I tried to PICK UP the pieces of blush, they ground INTO the carpet. How do I get the blush out of the carpet before Kristabella’s Gram sees it? Right now, I’m covering it with throw rugs so I need a new option.

    Oh, and I threw up a little in my mouth with the mention of warm beer. Yeckkkkkk!

  7. Hey, Dude. I love you. I’m thinking good thoughts for you today. And yes, that Blogger thing sucks. One day soon I plan to change to wordpress. I think.

    My question is “Is there any way to guarantee a Pitt victory over WVU on Saturday so I don’t have to listen to people hail the Mountainqueers?”

  8. First: Crossing my fingers for you today.
    Second: Even though I’m a Typepad girl, I signed up for Blogger yesterday so that people will know who the hell I am when I leave comments!
    Third: Dear and Holy Bacon, will I ever put together a scrapbook, or will all of those ticket stubs and pictures and brochures rot in a shoebox for the rest of time?

  9. Dude, I think my comment was eaten! ARGH ARGH ARGH. I’ll skip everything else I wrote and just get to Bacon: Dear and Holy Bacon, will I ever put together a scrapbook or will all of those saved ticket stubs, photos and brochures end up rotting in a shoebox for all of time?

  10. Oh, and the most important thing from my original comment was that I’m crossing my fingers and finger-toes for you!

  11. I’m thinking good thoughts! Let me know how the day goes.

  12. I am thinking about you too. Good luck with the job situation.

    Bacon – Dumb people tend to multipy at younger ages and make many, many babies. Will the stupid, dumb people eventually outnumber the smart, responsible people?

    Either way, job security for me…I just don’t want to drive near them or pay taxes to support their lazy, dumb asses 🙂 Ahhh…feel better now 🙂

  13. I am dying to know what happened at work today… I’m pulling for you. And, if you get laid off, I think BACON should shrivel.

  14. Mr. Bacon,

    Wilber Wildcat is coming over tomorrow (it’s my turn to host), and I really, really can’t stand him. Do I have to let him visit? What should I do?

    Regards,
    Sparky

  15. I love bacon … so very wise and sassy.

  16. Blogger pisses me off too. I keep hoping my nickname will be enough. She Likes Purple. Use it as a URL. It’ll work! Try it!

    So far, my stats have dipped more than they’ve spiked, so the 2 + 2 ain’t equalling four for some people.


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