Posted by: kristabella | November 25, 2007

I’m Too Old For This

I have arrived safely back in Chicago. I know you were all wondering if I would make it or if I would be overcome by a flood of rum and just stay in St. Louis.

I’m exhausted. If I had a video camera in the car with me filming me on my drive back, it would be some good shit. I left St. Louis about 10:30 this morning. Because the housekeeping ladies at the Ritz were loud. Probably because most of the floor was Seahawks people and they were all at the stadium by this time. But I? Was not. And I needed my beauty rest.

But then because I am a freak, I started thinking they were going to come in and kick me out because well, I didn’t pay for the room and the person who was the guy staying in that room had up and left. And the Ritz is no place for whores. I mean, they don’t even have porn. It’s not how the Ritz dos it.

So I just got up. And left. I drank Saturday night, but not a lot. I actually rallied pretty well. After Rich and I went to dinner, I was done. I just needed to sleep. And then I got a text from a blogger friend who lives down there, so I figured I’d take a little nap and suck it up. Because well, I don’t go to St. Louis a lot and I’m not 50. And going to bed before 9 on a Saturday night is just not acceptable. And that’s not how I dos it.

Rally commenced. We all hung out. Laughed A LOT. The trainer for the Seahawks is one funny dude. And had us all on the verge of pissing our pants from laughing. I couldn’t even begin to tell the story. I don’t think it would tell well. I mean, whenever you start with talking about the owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials and segue into Big Johnson shirts, you just realize it’s one of those “you had to be there” times.

But because I didn’t get enough sleep necessary to drive four-plus hours through a vast wasteland of flat things that all look the SAME, on a cloudy, rainy-then-snowy day, my eyes, they wanted to be closed. And my body, it wanted to be back in bed at the Ritz. Carlton.

So then I resort to just about anything. I try talking to myself, but then my brain doesn’t even think I’m interesting enough to pay attention by STAYING AWAKE, so I tune my own damn self out and the eyes get heavy and SOADES sets in.

After that, I try music. That usually helps. I get some good rap tunes playing, and sing along, and I can usually pep right up. Today, though, not so much. I was like SCREAMING the lyrics. And clapping loud. And dancing. And trying to get the blood flowing. And then again, my brain was embarrassed at my display, and tuned the fuck out. And again with the SOADES.

Then I resort to the phone. I called EVERYONE I could think of that would talk to me. And no one answered. I then started stalking my mom and my sister. Because my brain thinks other people are interesting.

The final straw is screaming. At the top of my lungs. It helps for a second because you’re like freaked out at the volume of your own voice in such a confined space. But then you go back to being tired. After that, I try slapping my cheeks. This is the final straw because OW! It hurts! And somehow turns on the fight or flight reflex or whatever it is and my body shuts down. Because the crying from the pain? It makes me even more sleepy.

So finally I decided to stop and get out and thought maybe stretching my legs would get me going enough to make the last 100 miles home. But have you driven through Illinois? There is NOTHING in it besides Chicago. Seriously. Springfield is a nice little blip. Better choice in restaurants. And maybe a building BESIDES a farmhouse to look at. But that’s like 90 miles outside St. Louis, so I’m in no need for that stimulation then.

I stopped at some gas station. Which was the same gas station I stopped at on Friday on my way down. (Seriously, you think I’m kidding about the nothingness that is the state of Illinois.) And that stop helped me for about a hot second and then I was back to being lulled to sleep by the pretty, white, fluffy things coming down from the sky.

But by then I was close enough to the City. And because I’m an idiot, I timed my arrival into the city limits right when the Bears game was kicking off. And nothing wakes me up like a shitload of traffic on a Sunday afternoon when I just want to get home.

Even this post just tired me out. I can’t believe I have to go to work tomorrow. Next year, when I go down to The Lou to visit Rich, I’m taking the following Monday off. Which I should do tomorrow. But we have another sales conference the first week of December and well, I’ve um, not really done much of anything for it. Name badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ name badges.



  1. I have had SOADES myself. The last time was a couple of months ago when I was driving back to Chicago from my parent’s in TN. I was so tired about an hour from home that I started smacking my own face. Not from a distance or anything, I mean, I’m not CRAZY; but it was just enough to keep my eyes from closing while sitting in traffic coming up 55. I recommend it. Also recommended: Dark sunglasses so the people sitting in traffic next to you can’t meet your gaze with their judgemental stare.
    House of Jules

  2. thanks for coming to visit… and introducing me to my future ex-girlfriend!!

  3. I have a lot of problems with getting super tired while driving home. It’s really bad. When I work the 7am shift (and have to get up at 430am) I tend to shut down at about 4pm, which is only about halfway into my commute. I try everything, too! Hitting myself sometimes works and dancing can, too. But SOADES is a beast.

  4. I’m thinking Sharpies to write names on participant’s foreheads will do just as well for name tags.

  5. Glad you made it home safely!

    What works for me when I’m tired and driving…I roll all the windows down and turn the radio up really loud. This only works when it’s freezing cold, though.

  6. That sounded like me on our drive up to PA on Wednesday night. We didn’t get there until 2:00 AM and by that time I swear I was delirious. Thank god I had the hubs to entertain me and be the deer spotter! Glad you made it home safely 🙂

  7. Rich is cracking me up.

    The Ritz. Carlton. HA! ha ha.

  8. Sometimes I feel really guilty about how much I laugh at your pain. It’s out of friendship! I swear!

  9. No porn at the Ritz? Then what the hell is the Jacuzzi good for? 😉

  10. You think Illinois is bad, just hope you never have to drive through Nebraska!

  11. You are a true champion! I always need to have a large coffee with me when we are in the car driving long distance, or I’ll never make it. And even though we have navigation so there is no more Mapquest reading for me, I feel like I should stay up so Hubs doesn’t have to be alone. I’m an idiot…

  12. Glad you made it home safely. I’ll give you my number next roadtrip. I can sing you awake, I assure you.

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