Posted by: kristabella | November 8, 2007

Whatever, The Sky Is GREEN

I have an older brother. His name is Mike. We are going to focus on him today. And how he can be so fucking annoying sometimes.

So growing up, I obviously looked up to mah big brother. I don’t remember it. This is what my mom tells me. What I remember is him with the hitting and the picking and the mind games. Oh, and he broke my leg too, sliding into my weak, calcium-deprived bones. He was trying to teach me to slide tackle in soccer. I was five.

Anyway, this is a good representation of our relationship. My whole life, he was the main male figure that was around. And he was my big brother. And he was smarter. And I wanted to be just like him. So when he wanted to show me how to do something, or tell me something, or anything, I was a very willing subject. (Not as willing as my younger sister. She had the two of us ganging up on her. Which is how we convinced her that sleeping overnight in a dresser drawer was a good idea. She never had a chance.)

Anyhootie, when I was a kid, he could easily get away with all this. I was young, impressionable and totally naive and what do you mean if I get grounded I really get buried under the ground? I was the poster child for Gullible Kids Of America. And what genius-like older brother would not jump all over this?

We became really close when he was a senior in high school. I was a freshman and we were in marching band together. So since he had to hang out with me more than he probably would have liked, it was best to try and act like adults. Don’t think for one minute that he didn’t still terrorize me when we were at home. Because he did. Like every damn day when he would get up to go to the kitchen to get more Kool-Aid, most likely leaving a millimeter of juice left so he didn’t have to make a new pitcher and I would invariably have to make it the next time I got up. And he would get up and bang his plastic cup on the top of my head. Not really hard, but he knew the exact right spot to get it so that it felt like he just split my skull open. The pain! Oh, the pain! I tell ya.

This happened every. Damn. Time. And he drank a lot of Kool-Aid.

But he was always my brother, the one I was always subconsciously competing with, the one I wanted to be as good/smart/successful as, if not better than.

I went away to school, far, far away, and I learned how to fend for myself. And I started molding myself into the lovely, drunken, opinionated, stubborn girl that I am today. And I became Independent. Hear me roar! And I started to realize that I was smart too. And awesome. And was going to be successful. I could be my own awesome person, in a completely different way than him. Roar!

My brother is an engineer. He is one of the smartest people I know. I think I’ve mentioned on here before how much I love him and his family and I can never repay him for letting me live in his basement for six months when I moved back from California. We are very close. He will walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. I want to marry a man just like him. Because he’s a great husband and a great father.

But my brother? The one that I love so much? He can be so fucking irritating! Because my brother? The engineer? Who just got his master’s? He thinks he knows everything. Everything! And he will argue with you until the death. Because he’s all about wearing his opponent down. And it is the most annoying habit in the entire world.

Now, I’m very similar. Similar in that I think I am right all the time because I am right all the time. I’m never wrong. And on the very off chance that I am? I’ll humbly admit it. Under my breath, amidst grumbling, with steam coming out of my ears, as I flail around on the floor in full-blown tantrum mode. But hey, at least I’ll admit it.

My brother? He doesn’t back down. And yes, you’re smart, but you? Do. Not. Know. Everything. You know a lot. I know. Lots of education. So in turn I find myself arguing with him about things that yeah, maybe he’s right about, but I can’t let him win. He is NOT allowed to prove me wrong. Even though I know he’s right. But you can’t let him know he’s right. (It does happen once in a blue moon. Because frankly I don’t know anything about cars or quadratic equations.) I will fight to the death with him, making him argue with me. Even about things that every man, woman and child know to be true. No! The sky is not blue! No! L does not come after K! Or yes! Barry Manilow totally did sing Thriller!

Do you realize how insanely irritating this is? It makes me want to rip my damn hair out. Especially when I know I’m right. Which is always. I am never wrong. He? Is always wrong. He’s known me for 30 years. You’re a smart guy. Why have you not figured this out? What did all that education get you? Except how to engineer nail guns? And God help me when he tries to argue sports with me. Two words – losing battle.

But he’s my brother. So I let him win sometimes. Because I know I’ll always be funnier.

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Responses

  1. The sky is green dammit! Wanna fight Mike?

  2. It must be something with engineers because my husband is the same way! But, of course, I’m always right too and will fight to the end to prove it to him.
    That was sweet though…does your brother read your blog?

  3. It’s not just your brother. It has to be a man thing. Uncle Bob is always right, even if he’s wrong, he’s always right. Make’s me crazy!!!!!

  4. I’m married to one of those engineers! I’m right there with you . . . .

  5. Ha! I always wanted a big brother. I posted all about my LITTLE brother today.

    We must be twins!

  6. I’ll only add how your brother used to lay on the floor watching TV & whenever you or your sister walked even REMOTELY near him, he moved enough so that he could stick out his leg & trip you. He would probably still do it now. What do I mean probably? He would still do it now.

  7. And funnier is way more important that smarter. We all know that!!!!!

    Oh, and I was married to an engineer. I won those arguments. It’s the damn newspaper/psychology/I.T. guy I’m married to now that makes me weep in frustration whenever I lose an argument. Which is all.the.time.

  8. You’ll know him longer than you’ll ever know anyone else in your life, so let the poor fool win once in a while.

    I have a very good friend who’s an engineer, and he picks fights about stuff just for the hell of it. I think it’s their analytical mind. Like, he’ll argue astronomy with my husband (who is an astronomy teacher) even though he knows fucking nothing about astronomy. He just likes the argument. I think it’s weird.

  9. I loved this post. I wrote something similar about my sister on her birthday.

  10. OMG, if mike can find me a recording of Barry Manilow singing Thriller, I will love him forever!

  11. How sweet! My brother is an engineer too. But I think I got the argumenative part. He will tell you that I terrorized him, but it was him that mooned me an my friends on a regular basis.

  12. Big brothers named Mike rule. 😉

  13. You two are cute! I wish I had siblings. I am an only child…lol. And NO! I don’t have only child syndrome. I was only mildly spoiled, that is until the rest of the grandkids were born, they took away my spotlight those little bastards!


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