Bacon Says – Part Deux

Because it was such a hit the last time, I now give y’all part two of Bacon Says. If only for my own amusement.

Just as a reminder, I will spin the wheel to give assvice from Bacon himself for all the crazies that come here from Google searches. For things NOT related to this site. Seriously, people, for the love of JC, stop Googling pink taco costume! No one wants to see that.

And without further ado, Bacon and all his wisdom.

Knee-high boots
Bacon isn’t sure as to what your concern with knee-high boots is. Or if it is that you have something against knee-high boots. They happen to be quite fashionable. Even if Bacon can’t himself wear them. Because he’s a guy. And, well, a slab of cooked, salty pork. To which Bacon says “Sizzle.” Because Bacon knows I look sizzlin’ in my knee-high boots.

Parts of a snark boat + pictures
Wait. They make a snark boat? Is it like a celebrity cruise? Where everyone is a smart ass? Because that? Would be seven kinds of awesome. What would Bacon do? “Hang out with hash browns.” Because Bacon hears they are snarkiest of the potatoes.

“Get dirty” “flat tire” bicycle
Well, yes, dumbass. You would get dirty if you changed a flat tire. On a bicycle or on a car. How would I know? Because I rule and I did it. On the way to an interview. And not on a measly bicycle. On one of those new-fangled quad-cycles they call automobiles. And what’s with the quotes? And why no quotes around bicycle? Were you really looking for some dirty flat tire porn? And really wanted THAT part of the result? Crazy freak. Bacon Says! “Shrivel” And he means your crazy, porn-obsessed penis.

National boob grabbing day
What? I missed it? What the fuck? That could be the best day ever! Next time I know this is happening, I’m planting myself in front of Brad Pitt’s house. And what Earthly advice does Bacon have, besides the fact he’s frying himself for not knowing about this glorious day? “Tempt a Vegan.” Because even vegans have boobies. Or so says the word on the street.

Awesome + totally real catfights
Where? In my living room? When Simba and Willow get into it? It is rather NOT awesome. They just flail around like a good old girly-girl slap fest. Because neither of them wants to make the first move. So they just dance around each other. Until I get into the mix and make it a REAL catfight. First one to bleed loses litter box privileges! Bacon Says “I hate those stupid cats. With that one always trying to spin me.” (Bacon just got pork-slapped for giving assvice not on the Wheel O’ Bacon. It won’t happen again.)

Flash ass drunk
Hmm. This one is a head scratcher. One, because I don’t usually flash people when I’m drunk. Second, if I’m going to flash something, it’s never going to be my dimple-covered ass. Because NO ONE needs to see that. What would Bacon do if he were flash ass drunk? “Put the ‘B’ in BLT.” Yeah, I’m sure you’d put your B in something when you’re drunk Bacon.

Schwerer Dora
I don’t even know. Unless my friend Schwerer has been holding out on me and is really Dora the Explorer. I mean, she does speak Spanish pretty well. And I’m not really sure what her job entails. And she’s always asking questions out loud and pausing for answers. And that one time this really hot guy, a fox if you will, showed up and took her salt shaker and she was going on and on about swiping and what not. Hmmmm. I’ll have to look out next time to see if she has a talking backpack. And whether or not she goes everywhere with a gay monkey with pink boots. Bacon says Schwerer Dora should “Boycott Tofu.” Because that’s obviously what you and that monkey have been “smoking” to make you so ridiculously annoying.

Simba pants
Look. My cat does NOT wear pants. Nor do I wear pants made of my cat. I’m not Mr. Burns. (See my vest, see my vest, made of realy gorrilla chest.) And I will kill any of you who are trying to make my stupid cat into pants. Unless you’re a little person or an infant. Because that’s about all the pant he could make. Bacon says “Liven Up A Salad.” No Bacon. Cat hair + lettuce is never a good equation. Nor do I think anyone wants a salad in their pants, Simba pants or not. Now, a party in my Simba pants? That would be a different question.

Fo sizzle.