Posted by: kristabella | November 2, 2007

Torn

Day two and this writing every day thing totally blows. Especially since it is 11 PM, so I’m on a bit of a deadline.

This week really took a lot out of me. I was actually pretty good, going to bed pretty early (for me) almost every night. Because I knew that I had to be rather alert each day. Like I said yesterday, these conferences at hotels, away from the office, are more work. With more to go wrong. Which means me being on my toes at all times.

But then it causes this internal dilemma inside because more stress and more awareness requires less partying. Which goes against my entire being. Especially since I do enjoy free booze. And this group is a group that I had already partied with and gotten to know really well.

I mentioned once how I hate to miss out on things. It’s my insecurities with always wanting to be loved and being a people pleaser. But with this group, with the two-month lapse in the time between sessions, this group got really tight. And they chat at least weekly and I quickly became an outsider. It wasn’t that they ignored me or didn’t invite me out. When I went out, I had a good time. But I always felt on the fringe, on the edge of the group. And they only wanted me there because I had the corporate credit card.

I’m torn because I am 30 and a professional and my job requires me to be in charge of the logistics of all these sales trainings. And like I said, I enjoy it. But when am I going to get over the need to feel like I have to socialize with everyone and try to be Corporate Semi-In Charge Girl AND Fun Drinking Girl at the same time? Because it is kind of hard. I like all these people from this week. I WANTED to hang out with them. And they are comfortable with me. Because they are honest with me about things. Almost to a fault. Like telling me you might go up to your room at lunch and throw a few beers back before the afternoon session.

But then again, it is a good thing that they tell me those things. They look at me as one of them, even though I am Corporate Girl. And by spending time with them, I tend to side with them. Because it goes towards the always wanting to please the group. Which is definitely frowned upon in Corporate World.

But my job, my livelihood, requires that I am on my game every day of these conferences. It doesn’t matter if I’m hung over or not. I HAVE to get my job done. There are no excuses. And staying out partying until the wee hours of the morning is not conducive to this.

It’s just this battle that I’m faced with. And this is the first time it really presented itself. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I already knew these folks, they already knew each other and I knew they were coming back and was looking forward to it. Which is rare because most of our trainings are not two weeks.

And maybe it had a little to do with Winky. Because even though I’m not obsessed with him like I was, there is just something about him. Even a guy I work with was like “I can totally see why you’d be attracted to him. He’s just so charming.” And he is. He’s smart. And funny. And there is just something about him that I am drawn to. It’s not as crazy as last time and I’m fine with seeing him every so often in the cafeteria. And believe me, I was really happy that things weren’t weird between us. And that he actually talked to me. And made me part of his group. Because I hate awkwardness.

I just wish I didn’t have the feeling that if I don’t go, I’m missing out. I mean, I didn’t go out Wednesday night and it was good. But the next day, when Winky was showing me all the photos of their costumes and telling me about how much fun they had and asking why I didn’t come, I was mad at myself for missing it. Even though I had a valid excuse. Because vomit was NOT part of my costume.

Basically, I just need to grow up. And I think my liver will thank me for it.

(Also, apparently the reason why I don’t post every day is because of the rambling.)

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Responses

  1. cry me a freakin’ river. you should really be in cleveland right now boozin’ with me. hope to see you soon!

  2. It totally sucks to grow up. But I think that with growing up, comes some internal peace. At least, for me it did. Somewhat.

  3. I agree with Kristie.

    But I know the “missed out” feeling and it’s not an easy one to reconcile. But you’ll have their respect, even if you don’t have the drunken pictures. And I really do think the first one is preferable.

  4. (That sounded like you don’t have their respect now, which is SO not what I meant. I hope you know this.)

  5. I am so with you times a billion since I got a promotion to teaching assistant SUPERVISOR when last year I was a mere teaching assistant. Not only am I now boss to people who were once my peers, but I never get asked to have lunch with them. Or go out on the weekends with them. Or generally converse with them on a casual level at all.

    Which I am fine with.

    Who would want to hang out with those losers anyway?

    Sniff.

  6. Nobody said growing up was easy….but I admire that you seem to have the right balance. You know when to be corporate girl and when to let your hair down. And you’re so much damn fun to be around!
    I guess what I’m trying to say is that not a day goes by that I’m not proud of you and ALL that you are!


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