Bacon Says

I’m stealing yet another idea. This one is from the lovely Alyndabear. Who I’m totally road-tripping down to meet in Memphis next year when she’s in the US. Since if she’s in the States and that close, I must meet her. (Even though, what stupid U.S. tour doesn’t come to Chicago?) And she is having a bit of a rough patch right now and at the very least, I hope this cheers her up. Or at least makes her smile for a hot second.

So as some of you know (bloggers mostly), I can see search terms for people who randomly end up here. Some may hate Rex Grossman. (Who doesn’t?) Some may want to take a minute inside a woman’s head. (You’ll quickly regret the trip into mi cabeza.) And others, I’m finding out with my growing numbers, are just freaks. And some of these things? I’m not sure what you are looking for. But thanks for stopping by!

Anyway, for shits and giggles, I will give you some random Google searches that lead people to Kristabella. And! The kicker? I will have Bacon tell you what he would do. Because that’s just damn funny. In theory of course. This is going to crash. And burn.

Old Chubby Feet

I’m not sure when I ever mentioned old, chubby feet. But hey, I’m old now. And I have chubby feet. Are you looking for others with the same affliction? Or looking how to get rid of your old, chubby feet? To which Bacon says “Shrivel.”

You have your answer. And since they’re old, you’re damn near there.

Ceep Full Clone (hard) Costumes

I don’t even know what the fuck this means. And how the FUCK you got here with that search. And again, what the FUCK does that mean? You know what it means? Bacon does. Bacon says “Raise Cholesterol” because you’re probably a Star Wars geek and spend all your life inside in front of the TV. So you might as well speed up your ending.

Bedazzled Shoes

See? I told you everyone likes my bedazzled shoes. So much so that they are searching for them on the internet. Am such a trend setter. And Bacon? What does he think? Besides shut the fuck up? Which isn’t an option? Thank God. Bacon says “Spit Hot Grease.” Which is shut the fuck up in Baconese.

“Jenn Bacon”

Actually, Bacon doesn’t have a first name. And Bacon is a he. But you must be referring to Bacon’s sister, Jenn, who counsels overweight teens with the same wisdom as her brother. And as you can imagine, Jenn Bacon has a tough job. Being bacon. Among overweight teens. Bacon has some assvice for his sister. “Liven Up a Salad.” Because fat people need vegetables.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Oh, thank Gawd! Now I can sleep easier tonight. Because I? HAVE BEEN WARNED! Because some idiot with the fucking CAPS LOCK on decided that I was in need of warning. But of what? I have been WARNED to “Boycott Tofu” says Bacon. Check. Already do that. Good thing I had that WARNING. (insert eye roll)

Hello I Want to Make A Reservation

Great. I cannot help you here. And hello? Use the effing telephone. And if you were smart, like Bacon, you would “Hang Out With Hash Browns.” Because if you’re dumb enough to have a conversation with Google? Then you shouldn’t have any friends. That are humans.

I Am a Big Fucking Baby

Thank you for sharing. Did you want to make a reservation too? There is no need to share it with the world. Because I’m guessing that everyone that knows you? Is already quite aware of this nugget of insight. And you’re lucky you don’t know Bacon. Because WWBD? He would “Spit Hot Grease” on you. And I would point and laugh.

What Should I Stick in My Ass To Make It

First off, thank you for NOT finishing your search request. Or thank you, WordPress, for NOT showing me the end of that search. Because I don’t want to know what, if anything, you’re sticking up your ass. Nor do I want to know what said “object” makes your ass do or not do. And you want to know what Bacon would do? He would “Tempt A Vegan” because everyone knows vegans don’t stick anything up their asses. And maybe that’s the direction you need to be heading in. Things coming out. NOT going in.

Pink Taco Costume

First off, if you know what pink taco is a euphemism for, then ewww. Just ewww. Because no one wants to see a big, damn vagina walking around. (And if you didn’t know? Now you do.) You know what Bacon would do for a Halloween costume? He would “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” because that or a club sammich  costume would be way more appealing to look at. Much more than a walking coochie.

Make a Big Bowl of Shut the Fuck Up

That I can do. And you know what goes well with a big bowl of shut the fuck up? A big plate of Bacon. And what would Bacon do? “Taste Really Good.” Fo sizzle Bacon. Word.