Posted by: kristabella | August 21, 2007

Am Overpriced Babysitter

Oh, hai, internet. Oh how I’ve missed you so. I swear, these conferences make me feel so out of touch with the world. And that is just not good. Paris could end up in jail again. Lindsay could actually stay in rehab. The world doesn’t stop moving because I’m at a conference. But it should! Why world? Why must you keep with the moving and the not staying still?

So already, sitting here on Tuesday evening, this has been the most eventful conference for me in my three short months (three months today, actually). This conference is a bunch of new sales reps. So for most of them, this is their first job out of school. So most of the people are way younger than myself.

And part of my duties is to herd said people on and off the bus and make sure we leave no salesperson behind. So Monday morning, they ALL knew that they were to be in the lobby by 7:15 because that’s when the bus was leaving. Well, 7:15 came and went and we were a few people shy. Turns out one didn’t make the trip due to a family emergency. The other chick overslept because her flight got in from Cali at 4 AM. So that was a valid excuse. And I was surprised she even made it to the conference and managed to stay awake. She apparently does not have a raging case of SOADES, like myself.

The third is just a damn trainwreck. I called her room three times with no answer. Finally, I marched my ass up to her room because, bitch, it’s seven fucking thirty and you need to get your ass on the bus or I WILL leave you here.

I get up to her room, and she answers, in her PAJAMAS, with no remorse at all. None. Bitch doesn’t even apologize or even have one inkling of “oops! Sorry I’m late.” Tells me she’ll be down in five minutes. To which I reply, you better make it faster because we will be leaving here in four minutes. And honey, I’m done waiting for your ass.

She made it. And I got the OK from the boss to leave her behind if this were to happen again. Which it did. This morning. She got left behind for the tour we went on in Indiana. And then didn’t even have the decency to show up at the office in the afternoon, knowing full well that we had more training today. Let me just tell you, if it were up to me, she’d be on a damn plane back home. But instead she’s allowed to stay, and I’m pretty damn sure she’s treating this like a vacation and won’t be showing up tomorrow either.

See, these kids have never traveled for work before. They sit on the sales desk, and have no need to go anywhere. Add that to the fact that they’re staying in a hotel, drinking free booze, and you’re in for a mess of trouble. I know. I did the same thing when I was that age. The NFL PR meetings were/are a big drunk fest.

But you know what? I was NEVER late. And I tried to give off the impression that I was not hurting so bad my head was about to explode. And I paid attention. Because the Niners paid for me to travel to learn. And I was there to attend meetings, not drink in a hotel bar. (That was just an added bonus.)

This chick is a disgrace. On Monday morning, she complained of “restless leg syndrome” and had to go back to the hotel. And proceeded to meet us out for dinner that night and drink 17 glasses of wine and say very inappropriate things in front of the VP. She’s a cancer on this group and no one likes her. And I’m about to get restless leg syndrome and shove my foot up her ass.

And I can’t wait to leave her ass back at the hotel again tomorrow morning. Because I don’t want to look at your hungover face anymore.

In other booze-related news, I think I consumed my points for the entire week last night. We went out after dinner (four glasses of wine) and drank way too much (too many pitchers to count), and flirted WAY too much with a 25-year old smart-ass sales guy. Dude, a smart ass gets me every time. (This guy has a serious case of KJ-itis. I mean, he winked at me so much I was starting to think he really had something in his eye. Maybe grapefruit, Costanza.)

I came home tonight to feed the kitties and check for urine puddles (all clear) and am supposed to meet them out again tonight. But I really shouldn’t. Because I don’t need more booze. And the inappropriate work flirting. Which would STAY at flirting. I’ve learned my lesson with that. And the last time I made out with a kid in his early 20s, I got strep throat and missed two days of work.



  1. If you need me to come makeout with anyone, I can.

  2. Yeah, I can take one for the team and make out, too.

    Restless leg syndrome?? SERIOUSLY??

  3. If you laugh out loud & no one is around, does it count? I’m wetting my pants here over restless leg syndrome! And your restless leg/foot up her ass.
    Good Seinfeld reference, too.

  4. You weren’t the ones who shanghai’d my trip to Tucchi Benucci last night where you?

  5. That is my favorite Seinfeld episode (The Wink) ever! I LOL every time at the part where George pull his eyelids open and tells Kramer to “Get the Card!”. Too. Freakin’. Funny! And, of course, your post was funny, as well. 🙂

  6. This post was so funny, it totally made my night!! All I can say is that I am so glad you get free drinks. Too bad you can’t start them at breakfast, when you are with this group.
    Glad you are home and kitty pee free!!

  7. I want to come on a conference with you! I promise I’d be on the bus on time… promise! Please? 😉

  8. way to work the nfl pr meetings in your blog. i was only late once to those meetings. it was after a long night of karaoke in nashville, circa 2001. but we all rallied and tore it up at bar smashville later that night. that’s when we met… and you fell in lerrrrve.

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