Posted by: kristabella | August 8, 2007

Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine?

Breaking news! I found my future husband! And the kicker? He lives with his mother! Think of all the tall basketball-player babies we’ll have! Kiss my ass, Shaq! You and your tiny wife have nothing on me and Leonid. (We’ll have to change his name, of course.)

That’s THE most exciting thing I could think to write about. And I just saw that story when I logged on. So that tells you where this post is going.

I’ve decided I am the world’s worst person to be around when I am sick. I am like this whiney mess. The littlest things set me off. (Yet not the people I work with. At least today. Weird. They’re usually the first.) 

Like this morning, I was like on the brink of weeping. And really for no apparent reason except for the fucking heat! I know! Shut up already. YOU HATE HEAT! WE KNOW! But seriously, at seven in the morning, it should not be that hot and humid and sticky and how the fuck can my hair be wet already? I just dried it! So as I was getting all cry-ee about the heat and wah, now my hair is going to look even worse, and oh my God I don’t even want to go to work. (Are you imagining it in a whiney voice? It totally works better that way.)

So as I’m pushing the damn on button on the coffee maker, filling up the cats’ water bowl because for fuck’s sake if I don’t they will DIE, in these three seconds I’m out of my room where the AIR CONDITIONING is, I get all sweaty. And angry. And as I’m standing there, trying to cut my English muffin open because really? Fork-split my ass, Thomas. Well, as I’m M-F’ing Thomas and his muffins and wanting to stick my foot up all his nooks and crannies, I fucking slice my damn thumb open with the knife. Which then proceeds to soak blood into all those damn crannies.

This? Was not a good way to start a morning. A morning where you are still sick and any kind of exertion makes you tired. Like standing in the shower damn near puts you in a coma from the exhaustion. So at this point I’m already betting today will be a bad day.

It wasn’t too bad. People stayed away. Because of the cooties. Actually, they don’t ever talk to me. So this was actually par for the course. And perfectly fine with me. Because it leaves me more time to read blogs (which I was WAY behind on) and catch up on the feeds for Big Brother.

(Don’t even get me started on Big Brother. Because I’m not pleased with how things are going in the house. They are all a bunch of trashy pigs. And I think I want to punch them all in the face. And I sit there, like an out of body experience, thinking why, WHY, do you care about these people? This is what you want in reality television, you stupid whore. This is good television. Is entertaining. It’s why you watch. Who the hell cares who gets evicted? It really doesn’t matter.)

And then when I was driving home from work, I was trying a new way. And it turned out to be a WRONG way because there was more traffic and the damn intersection I was trying to avoid, I ended up having to go through anyway. Because I? Am that stupid. And this? Brought me to weepy tears. Because I am tired. And sick. And I just want to go home. Waaaahhhhh. (Seriously, get a grip, lady.)

But I am feeling a lot better today. And even now, tonight, I’m feeling better than I did this morning. So I think the medicine is working. And I haven’t been close to tears all evening. Well, except when Simba sat on Bacon and I couldn’t spin the bacon to ask a question and what if I made a horrible decision because my cat is jealous of a folder?

I think it is time to step away from the computer.



  1. I hate the heat,too. Write about your hatred all you want and I will read and comment.

  2. I know I say this all the time, but you seriously crack my sh!t up! The Shaq comment – not your misery over the heat. I hates it too. Why can’t it be winter?

    Seriously, after I can find my living room furniture under the boxes, you can come hang out in my air conditioning. I totally know how it is.

  3. You should be in a dandy mood today cuz it is NO better out there…I don’t undertand how it can be this miserable at 7AM.

  4. My morning today started off with a pile of shredded paper in the living room. Because stupid cat decided to dig my flexible spending stuff OUT of my bag and proceed to chew it to shreds.

    Thanks for the offer Marianne!

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