Posted by: kristabella | July 24, 2007

Dr. Phil Would Be So Proud

I’m sure not. I’m sure he’d tell me I’m a stupid whore or something like that. Why again is he’s spokesperson? Was every other sane person taken? Dr. Ruth? The Loveline dude? Anyone???

Anyway, I am not feeling at all creative this week. I’ve been in a funk (which I’ve said here before) for some time. I don’t know what it is. But I’m hoping to get out of it soon. But me in a funk leads to posts about beans and George Wendt. Which, really, let’s be honest, NO post would have been better. (Seemed so good in my head.) (That was your first mistake.) (Shut up head!)

So I figured I’d give y’all an update on the saga that is Kristabella Tackles Online Dating.

Which would be wrong. Since I’ve been on for a week and a half and haven’t gone on any dates. Actually, before tonight, I hadn’t logged on since I signed up. Which, even I know to make this work, you have to be active. If Prince Charmings were just going to fall out of the sky and land in my vestibule and push my buzzer and climb up three flights of stairs, on their horses, with roses for me, it would have already happened for the love of Christ.

As I mentioned before, I have done this song and dance before. I tried Yahoo personals. Which is a little better from the standpoint that you can IM. And sending an IM like “want to chat?” is a lot easier than sending a damn email. Because besides “what’s up?” what the hell else do I say? That isn’t already in my profile? And are these supposed to be creative subject lines? The PRESSURE!

After logging in I noticed that nothing changed. One guy “winked” at me. So I winked back. And I’m feeling really good because the girl is stacked. What? Oh, sorry. So I don’t just stand there, I bust a move. And email this fellow. Dressed in yellow. (Not really. But that’s how Young MC spits it, yo. Word.) Who seems nice enough. We’ll see what happens.

And then I notice that I have stipulations to my membership. Because of this whole guarantee. (If you don’t find love in 6 months, they’ll pay for your next 6 months of service. I can deal with that.) But you didn’t tell me I’d have to do anything.

So I have to send 5 emails a month. Which isn’t a big deal. Unless you freak out because, OHMYGOD! it’s almost the end of the month. But I just signed up! Must send emails? Now? Aarrgggh! Although, had you just looked at the words right above, it says you are only on day 9 of 30. Dumbass. Whew.

I also had another wink. From a big, short, fat man. Now, I’m no Skinny Minny. But this dude had to be like 375 pounds, if he weighed a pound. And he had the audacity to say his body type was “a few extra pounds.” Yeah. A few extra pounds. Plus a 7-year old child. Needless to say, I didn’t wink back. Because he was stacked.

But I did spend some time searching profiles, for people who “match” me based on what I like (tall) and want (tall), and sent some emails to a few decent candidates. So, we’ll see how that goes.

I know it may be a little hard to believe, but I can be a little shy. I’ll tell a stranger to go fuck themselves, but sending emails to random strangers? Looking for love? As I am? Holy shit that scares the beejezus out of me!

Not to mention the fact that I really don’t know what the hell to say. I mean it’s like a yearbook. “KIT! Have a kick ass summer! Loved your profile!” Although, what I really want to say is “You’re cute. Don’t look like a serial killer. And you’re not a midget. And you seem to want more than a booty call. Woot! Email me back, holmes.” All with the subject line of either “Insert Witty Title Here” or “So, Do You Come Here Often?” I kid. You. Not. Those were my email subject lines. And I wonder why I’m single.

The other part of it is the whole putting yourself out there thing. Again, may be hard to believe since I’m telling the entire Information Superhighway (why don’t we say that anymore? We should bring it back. Out with Sexy Back. In with Information Superhighway Back.) (Oh. Right. It’s too fucking long to type.) Anyway, again, hard to believe as I’m telling teh interweb (much better) about my online dating experience, but I’m not so much into the putting myself out there. I do NOT like rejection. I mean, for fuck’s sake people, I got mad and upset when you didn’t like my shoes! Am far too insecure!

But I’m growing. I’m almost 30. Must start doing things I don’t like. Or that are uncomfortable. Except eating raw clams. Because it’s like eating boogers.



  1. If it makes you feel any better, I am absolutely laughing my ass off. “A few extra pounds. Plus a 7-year old child” … ha ha ha.

    OK, seriously, was there like some bad inbreeding or something somewhere? Because there are NO TALL GUYS!

  2. Now I feel kinda guilty for being a shorty, but snagging a tall guy…I nominate this as the best line: “Needless to say, I didn’t wink back. Because he was stacked.”

    You kill me.

  3. Online dating is a lot of work! I’ve stopped doing it. But you can do it for free (and with a more literate crowd) on personals . theonion . com. Yup, Onion readers — I think they’d appreciate your wit. Same network as Nerve & Salon. You get points for uploading photos and it costs points to send e-mails, but somehow there’s a glitch so it never actually deducted points from me.

  4. Dude… did you just quote Salisbury and Rosenbloom?

  5. You should have just asked the precision cut ice guy for his number.

  6. Hmmm….The Onion you say? Has personals? That sounds right up my damn alley. Because unlike Match, I know my humor would not be wasted.

    I would like to point out, as I did to Marianne earlier, that I do not like Sean Salisbury. On top of that, his eyes are too close together, which is why he was a horseshit quarterback.

    So the answer would be no. Not quoting them.

  7. so you signed up for yet another thing and don’t do anything with it? sounds like another gym membership.

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