Posted by: kristabella | June 11, 2007

My New Life Guide

I have the most awesomest friends ever!

After getting home from the longest sales conference ever, after having a not so good ending on the whole thing, and Jesus Christ it didn’t even start well, I came home to a package. (And who doesn’t love mail? Of the non-billular kind?)

I initially thought it was my used book I ordered off Amazon. And since I was carrying enough luggage and bags for a small family to use to travel to Peru. For eight months. I had no time to take notice. All energy was focused on getting everything up three flights of stairs in one goddamn trip! (I’m exhausted just thinking about it.)

When I finally dropped all the family’s luggage, I opened said package. Only because I saw another envelope that was clearly holding my book so what was this? An extra box? A present? Anthrax?

When I opened it, I read the receipt, telling me it was from Amber. (Who, if I actually could remember anything, asked for my address so I knew something was coming.) (And maybe if I had looked at the return address or something. But fuck, after 8 days of drinking, logical thinking goes out the window.) (What’s your excuse every other time?) (Shut up, self!)

And here is what I received (You’re so NEVER going to guess, so don’t even bother):

It’s a folder. With a spinny thing that looks like a piece of bacon. For which I will use to make all life’s important decisions.

For instance, tonight while cooking dinner I was unsure of the recipe and thought “What Would Bacon Do?” Bacon said “Raise Cholesterol” so I added lard to my pasta.

I later debated about actually changing the cats’ litter box. And pondered, “What Would Bacon Do?” Bacon said “Hang Out With Hash Browns” and so I went to the diner across the street.

This is by far the best gift I have ever gotten. Apparently all my talk of bacon in these posts (even though Adam Levine never got the hint and came over for a sammich. Fucktard.) got Amber to thinking. I’m not sure how one goes about finding bacon folders, I’m guessing Google probably helps in that effort.

It’s actually from a company called Archie McPhee, which has a lot of bacon stuff. And some other weird shit. And I’m so getting my mom the bacon wallet for her birthday!

And now my life is complete. All those years that I had no guide for big, life-changing decisions. Now? No more. I’m thinking it’s about time to post this motherfucker. But WWBD?

Spit Hot Grease.

Nuff said.



  1. Does the bacon wallet smell like bacon? I’ll pass on it….don’t need dogs following me on the way to the bus. Mmmmmmmm….bacon! Mmmmmmmmm to eat, not to put my money in.That has got to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. WWBD. Too much.

  2. Cool… Glad you’ve found a new life compass. Dr. Atkins would be proud. Nice find, Amber.

  3. That spinner thing scares me…it looks so real! Wash your hands after you spin it!

  4. Kids – If you find yourself in Seattle try and stop by the Archie McPhee store in Ballard. The place has many bacon-themed objects and plenty of other hilarious crap.

  5. DUDE! I love that website. I found it about a year ago, I forget what I was looking for. Amber, you have an actual store? How cool is that!


  7. Haro – there are even grease splatters in the pan that I thought were real and attempted to wipe off.

  8. HOW. FUN. That is the cutest thing ever!

  9. Apparently it is too real looking. Simba just tried to eat it.

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