Posted by: kristabella | June 7, 2007

Day 12

Wednesday was my 12th day at new job. Day 12 will go down in history as the earliest I have ever cried about a job. And AT a job.I cried about my job. On day 12.

It’s OK. It’s not that I hate it so much that I’m crying. I cried because I sometimes get in trouble for being myself. And that really makes me sad because I love me. And I love my personality. And I love that I am so open and honest. It’s me. And I really hate when ME gets me in trouble at work and I have to go on not being myself. It hurts so much I cry.

Now, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes in the workplace. When I was 22 (and 25) (and maybe 27), I was so fucking stubborn that I was going to be myself and damn anyone who didn’t like it. Including the new Vice President and the CFO.

I learned my lesson. It’s okay to bite your tongue. You’re not losing a part of yourself by giving into the corporate culture. I mean, I pretty much got fired because of my big mouth. I hated the CFO at the Niners and all his lame-ass policies. And I let him know it. Because you know why? You’re an ugly man who could really button one more button on your shirt. I don’t need to know that you’re THAT hairy. And P.S. you’re an ass.

Life is all about learning. It’s why you always hear old people say they wish they could go back to being 22 but know what they know now. You’re so stupid when you’re young and you have no idea.

I worked for my dad all through high school and some college. You know what? You can do whatever you want when you are the boss’s daughter. So I wasn’t learning any kind of tact then. (Not that I really have any now. Let’s be honest people.)

I had no problems in college. My work always speaks for myself. And I was awesome at what I did. But I was also a student, so anything I did wrong could be attested to that.

I had many a trouble at the Niners. But I worked through them. (I think.) Kirk and I had quite the discussions. This was when I learned that just being awesome at your job can only take you so far. You have to play their game. And I learned.

I’m totally dancing around the subject of tonight. I had my cry with my mom on the phone. I have met some amazing people this week at new job. People that I will be friends with well after this conference ends. People who I have just met who were concerned about what happened. Because they were there and they knew A) I was in a mess of trouble and B) that I was really upset by it.

I can’t apologize for my big mouth. And I can’t apologize for the fact that I’m an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I tell it like it is. And all those clichés. For those of you who know me, it’s part of my charm. It makes me who I am. And I love who I am and I don’t want to change.

But I also learned that there are boundaries. Just because the VP is awesome and laid back doesn’t mean that they’re still not the VP. This person is still the head of the department. And I can’t loosen up in front of him/her at all. I’ve learned that. The hard way. You need to feel subordinate to them.

It’s hard for me because I’ve had jobs where I have been friends with the boss (and one of my old bosses is still my friend) or jobs where I could be myself with the CEO and things were fine. I’m not used to having to have different selfs. And I know I’ve been lucky to have worked with such great people at every job where I could always be myself.

This post is totally all over the place because my stream of consciousness. I’m awesome. I’m a good worker. I’m funny. I can be a smart ass. I do everything you ask. I’ve worked 14-hour days this week for the conference. I will be your bitch. But I have a hard time not being myself. I don’t know how to handle it. It really, really upsets me.

I learned a lesson tonight. I know I did. I need to set boundaries. And I’m fine during work hours because I’m nothing short of professional. But I need to realize that after 5, glass of wine or not, this person will always be the VP.

I think I’m just worried that I’m going to have to change. And that really makes me want to cry. No paycheck is worth losing yourself.

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Responses

  1. I learned those lessons at my job and thankfully my work was so strong that they kept me until I learned the diplomacy of corporate culture. Keep Trucking Martha! It will pay off!

  2. Ohhhh! I got in trouble the second week of my current job, and oh, it was traumatizing. I cried and I cried and then I cried some more, and it took me weeks before I felt normal. I am sorry. DO NOT change who you are, though! You are awesome. Certain people just don’t deserve to see all the awesomeness. You have to save that for the special people 🙂

  3. Oh, honey! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I agree with the Swish: save the awesomeness for those who appreciate it!

  4. I agree with Swishy & Miss Jones….give the work people the “work” KJ & save the real KJ for all of us who love and appreciate her.
    As for crying on the job, I’m still doing that periodically….but, it IS Friday!!!

  5. Hi Sweets. I’m pulling for you to be happy at work and away from work…

    I think the ladies above are right on! Some people don’t deserve the K-Train Special; and some of us appreciate all of what makes you tick, and what makes you YOU. 😉

  6. I’m waiting for $tabone to read all the nice (TRUE) comments and leave a nasty remark. Don’t let me down, Rich!

  7. dude, this was not funny, AT ALL. booooooooooooring!
    (i’m here for you, mom.)

  8. Sorry you are feeling down. 😦 I agree w/what everyone is saying…but, don’t change…just be professional KJ at work and woo hoo KJ with us! They’ll be so jealous. 🙂

  9. Thanks everyone! You guys rock!

    You’re right, they aren’t worthy of the real KJ. They get work KJ and that’s damn good enough for them.

    And I don’t think I’m in trouble. We’ll see, though. I just have to prove to VP that I do have a filter and don’t have to be brutally honest at all times.

    Which I can do.

  10. OH man that’s tough. Maybe as long as you are YOU in your head, it will be ok.


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