Posted by: kristabella | May 31, 2007

I Wish I Could Quit You

It’s officially summer. Yes, I know the whole summer solstice and all that crap hasn’t happened. But I’m sitting here in my apartment sweating into a puddle on the floor. Thank God for hardwood floors. I hope the floor doesn’t leak onto the granola-head-pot-smoking residents below me. Probably put out the flame on their lighter mid-hit. Duuuuuudes.

With summer comes street fests (yay!), hot weather (not so yay since I don’t have air conditioning), sun out for longer (yay! Hate coming home in the dark!) and all kinds of bad summer reality shows.

Oh who am I kidding, I watch all kinds of bad reality shows 12 months out of the year. It’s just that in the summer you can blame it on there being nothing else on. All other times of the year, well, I don’t really have much of an excuse. Except me likey.

I am almost 30 years old. I want to know why I still watch some of these shows. Again, who am I kidding? I heart these shows. For the most part. Most of them I heart in the way you can’t turn away from a bad car crash. But still. Here is a sampling:

The Real World

  • I think this was like season 43 or something. I mean, I’m like almost 10 years older than some of these babies. Yet? I can’t turn away. I think I pretended I was mature for like two years in the Paris/Philadelphia seasons. And that was only because I hated the Paris season. It was so boring. (Who else was even on it besides Ace and CT? Two people I couldn’t hate anymore.) It was worse than London. Which was actually The Real World because besides that guy’s tongue getting bit off, the only thing to come out of that is that Jacinda is quite the actress these days.
  • Closer look at Wikipedia, I somehow missed Paris, watched San Diego and then skipped Phily. Only to pick it back up for Austin. Which when Danny got his face dented? Awesome
  • I totally succumb to peer pressure and only continue to watch for water cooler chatter.
  • Which is a lie.
  • Apparently they are filming the next installment in Australia. Can’t wait!

Flavor of Love – Seasons 1 & 2

  • Anyone who didn’t watch? You missed out. Train. Wreck.
  • Nothing like sticking a bunch of ghetto chicks in one house and letting them fight over an ugly man with a clock around his neck.
  • This show has given us some of reality TV’s best moments. New York. The spitting incident by Pumpkin. And the chick pooping on Flav’s stairs.
  • Flavor Flav!
  • If you don’t get a clock, your time is up. Fucking trumps “will you accept this rose.”

I Love New York

  • Dudes, Flav rejected her twice and she got her own show. Hers wasn’t anywhere near as good as Flavor of Love, but she’s a walking time bomb.
  • The best part was the dude that PROPOSED to her in the season finale, totally rescinded his offer when he watched the show on TV. Dissed New York on live TV.
  • Um, hello? Awesome!
  • She’s currently casting for I Love New York 2. Get your videos in, pimps. And vote for the craziest!

Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School

  • How much does VH1 lurve Flav? He has given them 4 hit shows.
  • This one brings together all our favorite crazy people from Flavor of Love 1 & 2.And Mo’Nique is supposed to be trying to teach them manners and shit. Bitch, please. We tune in for cat fights. And Pumpkin spitting on people. And Hottie and her batshit crazy self.

Real World/Road Rules Challenges

  • All of them. The Duels. The Gauntlets. The Infernos. Always good TV.
  • So. Many. Catfights. Thank God for CT and all his ‘roid rages. Although next time CT, let’s last more than a few hours. You make for good TV.
  • The only bad thing is that I think the “older” alums are tired of doing these. These Challenges are usually peppered with a lot of people from the most recent seasons of Real World. And really? I don’t ever want to see Colie again. Someone should dent her face.
  • And do these people have jobs in real life? My job sure as hell wouldn’t let me leave for a few weeks to go fuck around in the jungles of South Africa. (Wish they would, though.)

King of Cars

  • This is higher-end reality TV. It’s on A&E. Arts & Entertainment people. It’s about this crappy-ass rapper who owns a Dodge dealership in Vegas. And if you don’t know, since they mention it in the first 10 minutes of every episode, they are the nation’s top Dodge dealership. Because Chop, the owner/bad rapper, makes his salespeople do competitions and if you lose you have to do weird shit. Like oil wrestle in a baby pool with the sumo wrestler that works in Accounting.
  • I’m not kidding.

Big Brother

  • THIS is my summer staple. Apparently this summer will be season 8. That’s almost as depressing as watching 16 seasons of The Real World.
  • The best thing about this show, besides the crazy people they lock up in the house with no contact to the outside world, is that it’s on 3-4 times a week. And when there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing on TV in the summer, this is a good thing. And an addicting thing. (And I won’t mention that last year I found a site that transcribed the live feeds. So I would read what was going on in the house at every single stupid minute. Yeah, I didn’t do any work last summer, by the way.)
  • The worst thing about this show? Julie Chen. Apparently sleeping with the President of CBS gets you posh jobs. For which you have no business doing. Worst. Host. Ever. (Miss Jones, this is not sexist. She really is married to the President of CBS. I assume she sleeps with him.)

And the cherry on the top of all this? The 7 people from Real World: Las Vegas are reuniting! For like 6 weeks! All together again! And Brynn has 2 babies! And who will Trashelle hook up with this time? This is like reality television gold right there, people.

You can also throw into this sad little mix the ones everyone watches – American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelor (although if the next one is as mind-numbingly boring as Andy, I will stick my foot through the TV), Laguna Beach, The Hills, America’s Next Top Model, etc. 

There are plenty, plenty more (Kathy Griffin: Life on the D List, anyone? Starts June 5!), but I’m depressing myself with the amount of crap I watch. It’s why I read the paper and watch the news. For the learnin’.

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Responses

  1. OMG- did you say Real World will be filming in Australia? I am so clearing out my TiVo for that… I’ll tune in just to hear the locals’ accents (shocker, right?). Yes, I said shocker, $tabone, just for you.

    Flavor of Love Season 1 was the best… I will always remember the day after my bday when you were in town, hung over, watching the marathon and not moving from the couch. Ahhh. Memories.

  2. Summer equals So You Think You Can Dance!!!! I also love Laguna Beach and The Hills. Like, more than a 27yo should. And you are correct about the Real World/Road Rules specials. I HATE kira or whatever her name is. ERGGG! Coral needs to come back on and kick ass.

  3. The last Real World season I watched was Las Vegas – was Brynn the little blond go-go dancer? 2 kids! Whoa. I just may have to tune in. haha…JRC’s “shocker” comment made me think of those dumb Fargo guys we met at Murphy’s.

  4. Yep, Lori, that was Brynn. She actually married the dude she was kinda seeing on the show!

    Those Fargo people were dumb. From Bayer, don’t call me Tylenol.

    And seriously, where the hell is Coral? And The Miz! And Veronica! They are way more interesting that Snoozy Stupid Susie.

  5. how can you forget that sweet mallory was also on real world paris?! and get this, my buddies and i met brynn a few years back at portland’s beerfest and she signed my buddies bachelor party t shirt… she is way cute in real life. and flava flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaav, on the hype tip, so take a big sip…


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