Posted by: kristabella | April 30, 2007

Cop A Feel For A $20 Co-Pay

Sometimes I worry that I might possibly overshare a little on here. But I figure, it’s no different than me in normal life. I’m a open book. I tell people everything.

(OK, fine, maybe I didn’t tell work people about the blog. But that’s because I wanted to call Tom Brokaw a pompous ass as much as possible. Because, well, he’s a pompous ass. And I’m sure a lot of people don’t necessarily disagree.) (And now it’s fun to do because I know they’re checking the site. And they can’t. Do. Anything. About. It.)

But otherwise, I’m pretty open. Mostly because I can’t lie. And can’t really keep secrets. And I like to gossip. And what’s the fun of you being the only one knowing something?

This post might cross that line just a little. So I’m throwing out the disclaimer. Especially to the guys. Because I’m going to be talking about boobs. On second thought, you might want to keep reading.

At the end of March (oddly, the day before all this blog shit went down), I went to the lady doctor for the annual check-up of my lady parts. And she found a small lump in my breast. (I’m fine.) She wasn’t too concerned about it, but better to be safe than sorry in these days. There are too many people who know this all too well. (If you’re so inclined, you can donate some money to The Pink Ladies and their walk this weekend in DC. And Amalah dyes her hair if they get to $10,000. Any color the Internet says! That’s worth $20. Plus you can help kick cancer in the balls.)

Last Friday I had a scheduled ultrasound just to check it out and make sure it was indeed nothing. (It is.) And also experienced my first mammogram. And it’s just like having your boob in a vice. Everything you’ve heard about it is true. And not in a good way like everything you hear about ice cream is true.

Today, I had a follow-up appointment with a breast specialist just to make sure no further steps were needed. So basically, in the last few days, I’ve had a lot of people grabbing and poking and squishing my boob. And NOT in the way we would like. And by WE, I mean me and the girls.

At the appointment this morning, I was sitting in the room waiting for the lady doctor to come in. I try to always see lady doctors, especially when it comes to the lady parts. Mostly because, dude, if you don’t have the parts, how the hell do you know what I’m feeling? Books can’t teach you everything about the va-jay-jay.

I also try and see lady doctors because really, I don’t need a hot man touching the lady parts. At least at a doctor’s appointment. That would be all kinds of awkward.

(Side note, my mom had a little crush on her OB/GYN that delivered all three of us. And that still creeps me out.)

So, right, this morning. Sitting in the little room. With the gown. Open in the front. I’m getting far too comfortable flashing doctors my bazooms. The door opens and I think it’s going to be the doctor. It’s not. It’s an assistant. A resident maybe? Oh and did I mention he was a man? Yep. And he just wasn’t a man. He was a smoking hot man. He looked a lot like this:


Except without the unibrow, a little lighter skinned, and much taller and leaner. So basically, a man you’d want touching your lady parts. But not inΒ the sterilized confines of a doctor’s office.

(Oh, and he was young and an excellent dresser!) (And did I mention yumilicious?) (And I almost asked him if anyone ever told him he looked like Tiki Barber to impress him with my sports knowledge. And then I thought “we don’t need to add any more levels of awkwardness to this situation.”)

First thought: He’s just here to help. He’ll just get my medical history and all that and be on his way to get lady doctor to do the touchy touchy.

Second thought: Maybe I should have showered this morning and done my hair. And would it kill you to put some make-up on? Unemployed doesn’t mean homeless, dumbass.

Third thought: I really hope I put deodorant on.

It was fine. He was very professional.

And I’m fine. I got the all clear, so yeah. Relief is spelled T-I-K-I.

Also? This is why I have the lady doctor for the lady parts.



  1. Hahahhaa! Glad you’re okay, though.

  2. I did NOT have a slight crush on my OB/GYN…I had a MAJOR crush on the dude…he was soooo HOT! You think I traveled all the way from the suburbs to the city when I was pregnant JUST because he was a top rated doctor??? Think again. HOT!

  3. Um yeah, my first lady parts appointment at the ripe old age of 16 was with a hot Dr…. never again… all kinds of awkwardness and giggling and hyperventilating. And I am not sure that it was all entirely from nervousness… TMI, I KNOW!

  4. Whew… glad to hear the girls are G to G!

    On a related sidenote, I loved my gynecologist in the Bay Area. A gay OB/GYN. He’s the best doc I’ve ever had, in any specialty.

    His orientation had/has absolutely nothing to do with anything, as far as I’m concerned, except that you were bringing up your preference for women docs and Mahnee’s crush. This guy brought ‘the annual’ to a new level for me… We’d talk about his latest worldy travel adventures (the photos he shot were usually framed and hanging in the room), our favorite wines, Baltimore (he used to work there)… It was like having a very good friend as your GYN! I miss him lots. 😦

  5. Thank goodness you’re okay!

    I wish my gyn office exam room had travel shots on the wall. Instead it’s covered in photos of all the babies they’ve delivered. Hundreds of babies.

  6. It’s kinda awesome that I can write in to say I’m glad your boobs are in order without any trace of innuendo. πŸ™‚ Never leave me. πŸ™‚

  7. I am SO GLAD everything is OK. Been through it last year. Never want to again. Mamograms are the worst thing. But they are a necessary evil.

    Men just don’t understand. I always tell Uncle B imagine putting your nuts in a vise and having them slammed with a million pounds of pressure. That always makes him turn a little pale and shuts him up.

  8. Glad to hear that all is well! I’ve mostly had men OB/GYNs, but I’m trying a new lady doc this year that I’ve heard good things about. Sure you all wanted to know…

  9. I am happy that you are okay and the ladies are in check! AND you got yourself a little action too! AND Tom Brokaw’s establishment flipped the majority of the bill!! Wohoo!!

  10. I can’t believe you got the long-lost Barber brother!

    A woman in my book club got a mammogram last week and kept saying, “OK, they tell you it doesn’t hurt, but it DOES! They’re important and you should get them, but they shouldn’t LIE to you!” She kept feeling herself up all night to demonstrate.

  11. Mom – Ewwwww!

    I’m not against a man OB/GYN. I mean, if I know ahead of time that I’m not going to be attracted to him, I’m fine. But when you’re expecting a lady and BLAMO! you get a fine-ass man, not good. Unless he just randomly stuck his tongue down my throat.

    Yeah, the nurse actually said “this will not feel good, but the tighter we get it, the better picture we can get.” So I can’t argue with that.

    Necessary evil, unfortunately. I hope you all only experience them after age 40. Or never, in Senor Beavis’ case. πŸ™‚

  12. your va-jay-jay comment remind me of Alotta Fagina from austin powers. love that name!

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