So This Is What We’ve Come To

And by this, I mean a whole lot of craptastic things going on that I am going to blog about. Because, really? So nothing else going on. Me = no job, remember?

It was finally spring here in Chicago this weekend. FINALLY. I mean, I’m all for delaying the 95-degree temperatures with the clothes-soaking humidity and the I-didn’t-even-realize-I-could-sweat-there sweat. But snow in April? Seriously. Fuck you Al Gore! Global warming my ass. You just wanted an Oscar for your little picture.

I am the epitome of laziness. (News flash!) I mean, when you get a person tooting her own horn about running five God damned minutes on the treadmill, it’s not much of a shock that I like to be inactive. Luuurrvvve it actually. (Which was solidified last night when we were playing that DVD game Scene It, the TV edition. And I knew a lot of answers. A LOT.) (And have had the Charles in Charge theme song in my head ever since.) (Yes, there’s a theme song.)

So when the weather gets nice normal people get excited. Walks outside! Fresh air! Outdoor activities! Exercise! Me? Windows open! Ass on couch! Full House marathon on TV! ABC Family Made for TV movies! Prince & Me 2! (Julia Stiles is apparently too good for the sequel. With good reason. And I’d like that 2 hours of my life back.)

Well, actually, I was a little productive today. Windows open! And I cleaned the house a little. Which was more of straightening up. And putting things away that have been sitting out since December. No, really. They were things from my cube from the mulch job. Better than nothing, right?

(Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our riiiiiiiights.)

And then I walked down a few blocks. To get a mani pedi. Again with the sitting! And the not moving! And who fucking goes to get their nails done when they are UNEMPLOYED? I do. So callate su grande yapper. And they? Had the door open! Fresh air! (Did I mention the walk? Cause, hello? Activity!) (And the sitting!)

And then I went to dinner and sat outside. With 80 mile an hour winds and I’m still picking out the gravel that is embedded in my skin. And under my contacts. Scraping my cornea. It’s like free Lasik surgery. I see better already. Yep. I see the dust on the table a whole lot clearer. Let me cover that up with a magazine. Or the cat.

But you know what I love about spring? And random 80-degree days in April? You get to drag out all those summer clothes and realize just how much “winter” weight you put on. Of which I put a lot on. I’m here to tell you that I’m part bear. I was preparing my ass for hibernation, bitches.

I can be like that dude on the National Geographic channel that lived with bears. Or wolves. Whatever. Some sort of raging beast of an animal. That no single person in their right mind (or even a kind of wrong mind) would ever want to cohabitate with. And let’s face it. I like my meat cooked for Christ’s sake.

So thankfullyfor us crash dieters that need to lose the blubber and the badonkadonk butt because it’s getting warm and fo reals, yo, we don’t need to be that insulated in July. It’s going to be back down in the 50s on Wednesday. Whew.

I want. I want. I want Charles in charge of me!