Posted by: kristabella | March 8, 2007

This Is Crap! Read Me!

Dudes. Seriously. I’ve lost all creative juices. Not even a drop. I can’t think of anything to write about. I’m sure I could reach into the recesses of my mind and pull something out (that might be quite scary. Never mind). But seriously, I got nothing. And apparently I’m going to start a new blog where I use seriously in every sentence. (Great. Another place where I can write a bunch of crap.)

(I probably already do that, so seriously, this isn’t even post-worthy) I suck. To the extreme. (That just made me think of “to the extreme I rock the mic like a vandal, light up the stage I wax a chump like a candle.”) (Dance!) 

(This is what we’ve come to?)

So last week in his blog, Senor Beavis made some comment about people writing about their personal lives and I’m pretty sure he made some biting comment after that. And I commented something about “Ouch, asshole. O’Doyle rules!” But then he was all “um, I wasn’t calling you out, dumbass. It’s like some sort of inside joke not meant to make you feel like an asshole. But while we’re on the subject…” OK, fine, he didn’t say the last part. (OK, fine! He might have not said any of that.) But seriously (bing!) (that’s my new measure of how many fucking times I use that word. Which I totally was using before Shonda Rhimes and her little TV show.) I’m starting to think I need to have more planned out in my life. Because this blog? Has gone way the fuck down hill in the last few months.

I admit, it’s been hard with the new job. I, like, actually have to work and I don’t have time to write at work. And since I actually work, I work more than 8 hours a day, which means less time to be a Blogosaurus. And you all may think this writing B.S. is easy peezy, but this shit is hard. As you can see, I could write dumb shit about a new T-shirt or running, but WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO READ THAT?

And yes, I don’t write for oodles and oodles of readers. (Which is a big fucking lie because I WANT oodles and oodles of readers because then some smart, smart person will give me a book deal. You’re on watch readers! Spread the mother-fucking word!) (Except not to people, like, that I work with because, well, um, yeah.) (Did I just actually try and pass off “because, well, um, yeah” as a fucking sentence? See? ALL. DOWN. HILL.) But I would like to say that my readers are reading because they enjoy it. Rather than the fact that they are related to me or are close friends and feel the need to comment. (Please, don’t tell me if that’s the reason why you’re reading. Am too fragile to handle that. Just. Keep. Commenting.)

But I enjoy writing. I think I’m damn good at it. I can be, on occasion, quite witty. But seriously (bing!) I really do like it. It’s why I started this here piece of work. It took me a long time to realize the fact that I am good at this. I’m not one to toot my own horn. And I’ve never really received consistent feedback about my writing. And if you haven’t figured out, I’m an insecure asshole and I need people to tell me “Way to go!” and “‘Atta Boy!” and “Gold star to you, freak!” I’ve never gotten that with my writing. At the Niners, there were always limited edits to my pieces, but I think I always wanted Kirk to be all “You rock! I will bow in your presence. You are master writer. We are but peons.” Oh, and he was supposed to jump out of his chair and tell me this. Duh.

But it never happened. And I just went on with my days, thinking I was mediocre. Because I hadn’t been told differently.

But then something happened a few years ago. I got fired. No. Well, kind of. I gained some confidence. I didn’t care what other people thought. (Does this come with age? I don’t know.) I was comfortable enough with my talents. And I knew I was good. I didn’t need the constant reinforcement. It’s what got me to this point to where I was comfortable with sharing my writing with the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. Maybe it had to do with moving out of the world where most everyone writes (PR) and moving into the corporate world, where, Holy Fuck! there are so many people who can’t write. Every email I get each day reminds me how talented I am. Which, for a crazy person, is kinda nice.

Now, I’m still insecure about it. I’m human for fuck’s sake. I like to hear that you like my blog. And seriously (bing!) I’m happy with having 69 readers for the rest of time because I know most of those 69 readers and I know you like reading, whether you comment or not. (Come on lurkers. I know you’re out there.) But would I like to have one of the top blogs out there? Holy fuckity fuck yeah! YEAH! Because, you know what? You don’t start a blog if you’re not interested in being out there. You know full well that when you decide to start a blog, you’re going to put yourself out into that whole crazy-as-fuck internet world. And you’re OK with it. Because we all want to be semi-famous. Because why the hell else would we read US Weekly people?

My point? I’m not sure. I guess I was just using this as an online forum to tell you my thoughts. And to let you know that I’m my harshest critic and I expect damn near perfection for this. And when I do write crap, it bothers me. But I do it because I’m still that little baby that doesn’t want to lose readers and hope that you’ll stick with me. Through all the crap. Or at least just frickin’ click on this site, even if you don’t read, because traffic = good. And now, you have just received an insight into my messed up brain. Wipe your feet on the way out.

I’m still not going to tell the people I work with. Yet. Even with the fact that I’m a shameless self-promoter. Which means, if you want to get invited to my fun work outings, you have to keep yo’ damn mouth shut, bitches!

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Responses

  1. In the picture you posted on the comments section yesterday, are you smoking a pickle?

    You keep writing, girl! You are sooooo talented. Even on what you consider your bad days, I enjoy reading what you write.

  2. No, I’m drinking booze out of a sippy cup, courtesy of one of The Jens’ neighbors.

    I would like to point out, I was a wee bit drunk when I wrote this.

  3. As a matter of further clarification, despite the inside joke, “personal life” was my euphemism for “sex life in graphic detail.” Which mercifully you don’t do, nor does any of my friends (that I know of), but a certain character on The OCk does on her blog. That actually would get me to stop reading. Although you’d probably expand your readership quite a bit. I could have played a better choice of words. Hey, even I make mistakes. 🙂

    Sometimes even what you consider to be throwaway posts have one line that resonates with someone. You never know. And yes, it IS fucking hard. Why do you think I write less than you? 🙂

  4. I enjoyed reading today…I think what you write on your blog is “brave”…you are putting yourself and your opinions and ideas “out there” for all to see and comment on. It takes guts. Even if it is hard to read what people have to say in response.

    I do think this confidence comes with age…I am very much like you in that way. I feel more confident now than I did even one year ago.

    AMEN TO BEING 30!!

  5. You are a fantastic writer! I guess I never knew how good you really were until I started reading this, which I do every day, and really enjoy it. And I’m not just saying this because I’m your Fairy Godmother. You are really good!!! OK did I use “really” enough times?

  6. Seriously, Fairy Godmother….enough with the “really” but what a nice post about Fairy God-daughter!!

  7. Wow, all the ‘Atta Boys! I like it. Thanks, peeps.

  8. i love the pic of you smokin’ that green weiner. hot!

  9. Gold Star for you, FREAK!!

    I am reading this at work and tears are streaming down my face… people think I am weird….


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