Posted by: kristabella | March 1, 2007

Eye Spy………A Pain In My Ass

I have been wearing glasses and/or contacts for over 20 years. I come from a long line of people with really bad eyesight. (Gram has the corneas of dead people in her eyes. Brings new meaning to “I see dead people.”) So I know my way around an optometrist’s office.

But in those 20-plus years, I’ve had few good experiences with eye doctors. Seriously, I look forward to going to the dentist more. And we know how I feel about the dentist.

Eye doctors are all hoity toity and shit. I don’t know why. I think it’s from years and years of being picked on and getting called Four Eyes. And they feel they have power to inflict this on generations to come. I get it. You know best. But if I tell you the contact is sliding around in my eye every time I blink, the correct response is neither “is it that bad?” nor “you’ll just have to deal with it.”


I have horrible vision. Like I’m legally blind without contacts or glasses. Which is always interesting when they make you take off the glasses to do the test. I could walk into walls. It’s that bad. (Seriously, eye tech assholes, how hard is it to help a sistah out?)

So today I had an appointment during my lunch hour. It doesn’t take long to take an eye exam. An hour is plenty o’ time. I mean, they have all those fancy, schmancy machines to give a starting point. I remember when they didn’t have those. And they would start at the bottom of the prescription curve.

Doctor: What letters can you read?

ME: Those are letters? I thought it was a Rorschach test. Pretty butterfly.

Doctor: No, that’s the big E. Moron.

Anyway, I arrived early for my appointment because I was a new patient and there’s always the token paperwork. My appointment was at 12:30. I got there about 12:24 or so. And then I proceeded to sit. And sit. Oh! And sit some more. Finally, at 12:45 a guy who heard me sighing heavily (yes, I was that obnoxious) offered his appointment to me. (How nice was he?) But it was all moot since I hadn’t done any of the pre-screening yet. I wasn’t allowed to see the doctor. I just SAT there for 15 fucking minutes. I can sit at my desk and get paid for it, douche bags.

Finally, bitch behind the desk (seriously. These were some bitchy-ass women. And a bitchy-ass gay dude.) was all “do you have an appointment?” And so help me it took all my fucking energy to NOT tell her “no. I just wanted to get in from the rain. And this seemed nice. So I thought I’d fill out some PAPERWORK!”

So I go through my pre-screening and whatever. The lady was pretty nice. Except for not getting the whole fact I’m blind as a bat.

HER: Do you see a red dot? That’s about the size of the head of a pin? That is sitting eleventeen hundred feet from you?

ME: Are you God damned kidding me? No, but can you see my middle finger I’m sticking up at you?

Needless to say, I will not be going there next year for an exam.

The eye doctor was really nice. But, too little, too late pal. I was already in a sour mood. Damage, done.

But then I saw Robert Jordan from WGN on the sidewalk, and all was right in the world.

And I may have eaten some lunch, since I’m pretty sure a lot of the grumpiness was because I hadn’t eaten.

And because I had to drink out of a straw all day. Because I couldn’t lift my arms. Because I had my workout with the personal trainer last night. And apparently I have the arm strength of an 18-month old child. Seriously. I’m embarrassed with myself and my spaghetti-noodle arms. This monkey would kick my ass.

Now I must go attempt to shower while somehow washing my hair WITHOUT the use of my arms.



  1. I have 20/20 vision, but I’m guessing this is not the time to share that fact.

  2. Too funny about the cornea transplants for Gram…I spit coffee at my computer screen. And I just laughed out loud again.

  3. I’ve had bad vision for so long that I don’t hate you people with perfect vision. It’s totally what I’m used to.

    And if my eyes ever stop changing, I’ll get Lasik. But they haven’t evened out yet. Which is fine. Because I am one with no money.

    Yeah, I laughed out loud too.

  4. Oh, bummer. I really don’t mind going to the eye doctor. My guy is kind of hot. I always try to flirt with him (nothing serious because he’s married and has kids). I’m sure that he thinks I’m a freak. Do you want me to make an appointment for you?

  5. Yay! You commented!

    Nothing serious because, well, you’re married too, right? Oh wait, it’s just Kirk. 🙂

    Hmmm…..I may have to make another trip out to the Bay!

  6. i would have commented on this earlier but i was in canada for a bachelor party, eh.

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