Posted by: kristabella | February 25, 2007

Holy Oscar Madness, Batman!

Oh. My. Oscar.

I lurve the Oscars. It’s like my second favorite TV day behind the Super Bowl. It’s like pop culture’s Super Bowl.

The red carpet! And the celebrities! And the fashion!

I was thinking of writing a timeline of my watching of the Oscars tonight. But then I started writing it, and it got really boring. Especially if you’re reading tomorrow and are all “what the fuck is she talking about? I don’t remember Kate Winslet’s dress. Skank! Write something worth reading.”

So instead, I’m going to re-cap it. Because really, people have stopped really wearing horribly ridiculous things to award shows, so there isn’t much to talk about. And, I’m a fat ass with no acting talent, so really? No room to judge.

I do seriously love this night. Like I’ve been watching the E! red carpet stuff since 5. (And no, I didn’t start watching the E! coverage that started this MORNING! See, I told you it was like the Super Bowl. With prettier people.)

But I figure I should share some of my thoughts. Because I’m usually yelling things out at the TV. To no one but the cats. So now you’ll get a lovely insight into my opinions. The only ones that matter. Duh.

(This totally reminds me of the year in college I watched alone and that ended up turning into Amber and I trading phone calls. The best one being about Madonna’s man arms.)

5:43 Emily Blunt just showed up with Michael Buble. Love Michael Buble. That Emily Blunt is a lucky bitch.

5:44 The satellite dish just went out for like 2 seconds. F’ing snow! Get it over with. Now!

5:46 Still going in and out. Which is fine during the commercials. E! Is playing that new Fergie song in and out of commercials. Why does she have to spell in every song??

5:47 Seriously, satellite dish? Fuck you! You’re on notice!

5:48 OK, fine…I’ll go pick up the pizza I ordered. You better work when I get back. Bastard. 

6:30 The damn dish JUST came back on. Just in time, bitches!

6:33 Forest Whitaker. I just keep thinking of him as the creepy dude on ER. And seriously, I hope you prepared a speech. I can’t take much more award acceptance speeches of you blubbering through it. You’re the front-runner. Get yo ass prepared!

6:35 Ryan Seacrest has to keep telling people that they’re “Live on E!” I wish he wouldn’t. It might be more entertaining.

6:37 Beyonce. Yawn. I think she has grapes tied around her neck. (So much for the non-timeline thing.)

beyonce.jpg

7:02 I took a long break, because I didn’t have much to say. And was eating pizza. Because stuffing my face makes me feel better about snarking about skinny, beautiful people.

7:04 So Lisa Ling on ABC has this totally 80 dress on. It’s like short mini-skirt in the front and long in the back. It’s a mullet dress.

7:05 And Nicole Kidman (who I don’t like) looks OK, except for the huge bow right by her neck. Blech.

kidman.jpg

7:06 Jennifer Hudson, WHAT. ARE. YOU. WEARING??? That space coat? Dress? Cute. Half-jacket? Not cute.

hudson.jpg

7:06.5 And HOLY SHIT it has pockets!! U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi.

7:08 Anne Hathaway’s dress is like some backwards-ass tuxedo or something.

hathaway.jpg

7:14 Cameron Diaz. Much better choice than the Golden Globes, honey. This is more like it. Your hair looks like a rat’s nest. But you’re doing a lot better than that train wreck of a dress at The Globes. Not much better. Baby steps.

diaz.jpg

7:17 I thought the people on E! were annoying. Thank God ABC’s pre-show shit is only 30 minutes. When did that dude move from MTV?

7:26 I hope I’m as hot as Helen Mirren when I’m old. Hell, I hope I’m that hot now.

mirren.jpg

7:42 Nice Al Gore joke, Ellen. Ha! America didn’t vote for Jennifer Hudson, but voted for Al. Heeee.

7:45 I do not like that little girl from Little Miss Sunshine. And her dress is ugly. I know you’re young. But someone should know better and tell you that this? Not cute.

lms.jpg

7:50 I’m not sure I like Maggie Gyllenhaal. I don’t know. She just annoys me.

7:53 Will Farrell singing! Hilarious! And Jack Black!

8:02 Boring awards. Let’s get to the good stuff. And that annoying Little Miss Sunshine girl presented. With Will Smith’s cute, funny little boy. He’s all “take your damn Oscar nomination and stick it up your ugly dress. Am far better actor. And dude, my dad is Will Smith.”

8:03 Except that annoying gir’s dad is an IT consultant. Heeeee…

8:05 I miss the old format where they at least teased us with the supporting actor and supporting actress awards. And then made us sit through this BS. Shouldn’t this all be taken care of in that other Academy Award thingee held like last weekend?

8:10 In the meantime, more pretty people photos. I heart Kate Winslet. So awesome.

winslet.jpg

8:15 They just made the sound editing award funny. Steve Carell should present everything. He’s one funny-ass dude.

8:16 This is going to be one long-ass post. This should make up for my lack of posting lately. Which, as you can tell, I’m really upset about.

8:17 I hate Jessica Biel. You shouldn’t be allowed to be this hot.

biel.jpg

8:20 I’m totally stoked that my satellite dish came back on. I was sad. And ready to go up on the roof and clear the damn snow off of it. And probably fall and break my neck. Would have been a hell of a blog. Once I got all the use of my limbs back.

8:21 FINALLY! REAL AWARDS! SUPPORTING ACTOR! Which is just going to go to Eddie Murphy so I don’t know why I’m getting so excited.

8:22 I wish it would be Mark Wahlberg, though.

8:23 HOLY SHIT! It went to Alan Arkin! Holy SHIT! Seriously! Wow! Wow.

8:26 I think Ellen is doing a good job. She started a little rough, but is doing well now. (I sound like an American Idol judge. Except she’s not pitchy.)

8:32 James Taylor is singing a song from Cars. (Which I haven’t seen. Have I mentioned I haven’t seen any of these movies?) Cars made my brother cry.

8:42 Dude, I’m bored already. Maybe I should have opened a bottle of wine? Hmmmm…

8:44 Wow! Again, the favorite didn’t win. I thought Cars was supposed to win? The dude accepting looks like a fucking penguin.

8:51 The closest I came to seeing any of these movies was reading Little Children for book club. I used to see movies all the time. In 2005 I saw every nominated picture. I was also unemployed. That would be the reason. Now I have like work to do and work events to attend. Such a grueling life I lead. I know.

9:05 Seriously? You let fucking Tom Cruise come? Why? Whyyyyyyy? Humanitarian, schumanitarian. You’re a douche bag, Tom.

9:22 Wow, Pirates of the Caribbean just won an award. Dude, if Eminem and 36 Mafia can win Oscars, anyone can.

9:23 I’m sooooo bored. The Globes are much better. People drink. Say funny things. And they throw in TV awards too. Yawn.

9:29 Just perked up. Oh my. Clive. Freakin’. Owen. Love him. Eat him up, yum.

9:33 Yes! More hot men! George Clooney! (wiping drool off keyboard) And he’s presenting a real award. And Jennifer Hudson took off that ugly jacket. Oh, and she may have won an Oscar. Chi-town represent!

9:37 Dudes, Jennifer Hudson didn’t even realize that George Clooney (GEORGE F’ING CLOONEY) gave her that award. Oscar Schmoscar. I would have stuck my tongue down his throat.

9:39 My friend Sasha used to throw this kick ass Oscar party. She’d make like “theatre” food, like popcorn, nachos, pretzels, red vines, hot dogs. It was a good time. And there was a pool. And I won one year. Which made it even better.

9:47 Jerry Seinfeld! Come back to TV Jerry! Come back!

9:48 I entered the Oscar pool over at Mama Pop! I will not be winning. I really wanted to win for a copy of Jen’s new book. Guess I’ll have to buy it. Which I’m pretty sure is how she wants it.

9:49 Dude! Al Gore like kinda just won an Oscar. Al Gore! He’s like the inventor of the internet. And an Oscar winner. Apparently. (Haven’t seen that movie either.)

9:52 Clint is giving an honorary Oscar to some guy who writes music. Time to use the urination station.

10:02 Dude. Clint Eastwood can do all. Honorary music writer is accepting his award in language I don’t know (Italian, maybe?) and Clint? Is the mother fucking translator.

10:06 More eye candy on the screen. Penelope Cruz AND Hugh Jackman. I’m a sucker for an accent.

10:07 Not only have I not seen any of these movies, but what the hell is Pan’s Labyrinth? And everything you show makes me not want to see it.

10:10 Jack Nicholson shaved his head. It does NOT look good.

10:12 Kirsten Dunst = bad dress. And pairing her with Tobey Maguire probably pisses her off. They do not heart each other.

dunst.jpg

10:27 This is never going to end. It was supposed to end at 10:30. And I’m tired. Me need sleepy.

10:44 Seriously, let’s end the damn thing! I can’t take it anymore!

10:52 FINALLY! Real Awards! We’re on like the final four now. I can go to bed soon. Soon!

10:55 The shockers are over. Helen Mirren won. Best Actress. Good for her. (Short speech. Short speech.) (She’s such a class act.)

10:56 These shadow dancers are really cool. This is a good effect. It was awesome when they did Snakes on a Plane.

11:01 This is getting ridiculous. But it’s Reese! Being single looks good on her.

reese.jpg

11:04 Another Forest Whitaker annoying acceptance speech. He seems more prepared this time. Thank God!

11:07 That was a good speech. I take it back. It took you 17,328 award shows to get it right.

11:12 Finally. The last award of the night. My bed looks so comfy. And I don’t even care who wins. But I had to see this bitch to the finish.

11:14 The Departed won. Wow. I think that was a shocker. I think Babel was favored.

And I don’t care. Good night, kiddies.

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Responses

  1. Nicole Kidman looked like Gwyneth Paltrow. Yay for Jennifer Hudson. I went to bed after that. Don’t know what the big deal is about “Little Miss Sunshine”….I watched it Saturday night & was not impressed. Jessica Biel….gorgeous…what would Rev. Camden think of you now? Ellen did a good job…but that is one long ass and boring show.

  2. Jessica Biel looks like Jennifer Lopez in that picture. And coming from me, that’s not a compliment.

    Is Emily Blunt related to James Blunt? Who’s Michael Buble? Sounds like a new show on Nick Jr.

  3. the oscars were on last night?

  4. Reese Witherspoon is my new appearance idol. And if I’m single for the rest of my life, but look that good, I’d be okay with it. Her hair was HOTT.

    Oh and you and I will fight for Clive Owen. I was sad my boyfrien’ Brad Pitt wasn’t there:(

  5. Seriously. Her hair was way hott.

    I think Brangelina was an interesting absence. Way to support your flick, Brad.

    I think Angelina had a lot to do with it. Seeing how unenthusiastic she was to be attending the Globes.

  6. I could’ve sworn I saw Brad Pitt when the cameras panned by…and I was all “is Angelina there”, like a stalker up at my TV screen trying to see what the camera wasn’t showing…

    It was kind of pathetic…

    I don’t really even like Brad Pitt – good actor, but way too pretty for my tastes…there was just something about wanting to see if Angelina was there too…

    So, neither of them were there?? I must’ve been seeing things!

  7. They weren’t there. If the were, A) I would have seen them arrive on the red carpet or B) I would have seen their photos going through all the red carpet photos and C) they would have showed them 100 times together like they did at the Globes.

    If they were there, we would have known. It could have been a drinking game.


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