Posted by: kristabella | February 19, 2007

Posted A Little Later Than Expected

Because I went out right when I landed, I didn’t get to post this yesterday. Which I suppose isn’t so bad because A) this post blows and B) you all wouldn’t have read it until today so it would have been past tense anyway. Oh and C) pretty much the rest of the world has today off. But without further ado, I give you my post that was meant to be posted yesterday in all its crapiness.

It is fucking hot in O’Hare Airport right now. I’m sitting at my gate waiting for my flight to depart. (Obviously after you’ve all read this I will have already taken off and landed. Hopefully. My flight is delayed 25 minutes right now. Which isn’t too big of a deal because, well, it’s O’Hare and nothing is on time from here and they always overestimate how long the flight takes. So I might still be on time. Which, again, you all don’t care about because really? I’ll already be in Seattle when I post this. Because I’m not paying $7 to access the WiFi in the airport when it’s only going to be for an hour.) (Can you tell I’m hung over and I just am rambling a whole lot of nonsense?) (Hung over and fucking sweating my ass off because it’s hot as a Mo Fo in this damn place.) (And hot and hung over do not make for a good time. Especially if you’re sitting next to me and my sweat smells oddly like beer.) (Miller Lite to be exact.)

So last night was the first of many 30th birthday party celebrations I’ll be having this year. Schwerer kicked us off in style last night (her real birthday is Wednesday, which happens to be Ash Wednesday, which is funny to me. Because that’s like the one day you’re not supposed to drink. Mostly because you’ve consumed like a human sewer the night before.) So we had a great party, which started with dinner and drinks at Lou Malnatti’s pizza. Which, you could have stopped there and I would have been good.

The pizza was awesome. The cake, shaped like Wrigley Field, complete with famous sign and scoreboard, was awesome. Even though it had a layer of banana in it. Fruit does not belong in cake. Chocolate? Good. Vanilla? Good. Frosting? Good. Fruit? BAD. But I ate around it, even though the layers around it had that distinctive banana taste. Which, could make me gag. Even if I wasn’t hung over and steaming.

(Have I mentioned how fucking hot it is in here? And seriously, I may pass out any second. Must get away from window. And sun. And holy Christ, pull the fucking shade down.)

(Oh, and I’m in the middle seat. That’s not going to turn out well for the people on either side of me. Mostly because of the fumes emitting from my body. And because I’ll be typing about them as they read over my shoulder.) (Although if it is the cute boy I just saw, I’m all for that.) (Edited to add: It wasn’t. Was a pilot (not our pilot, thank God) and a short woman. Short people should not be allowed in the exit row. Waste.)

(They just moved gates. And it’s a little cooler here. Not much. But the sun isn’t scorching my extremities now.)

So yeah, where was I? Right, last night. Dinner. Pizza. Mmmmmmmm pizza. I could so go for some pizza right now. So it was all fine and good. Except until the end. When Schwerer’s sister wasn’t feeling too hot. She said her stomach was not feeling good at all. And then BAM! She was puking in an empty beer pitcher. At the table. The table FULL of people. And thought nothing of it. Granted, there was one stall in the bathroom and a long line, so she had not other option. But seriously? We got out of there like lightning fast because people puking tends to make others puke. Haven’t you seen Airplane? Or some other movie that I’m sure I’ve seen that in.

That got us to thinking. Because there is an infamous story of Schwerer in
New Orleans, puking in an empty cup at Pat O’Brien’s. Somewhat inconspicuously. (According to the drunk people with her.) So what is it with the Schwerer sisters that leads them to puking at a full table of people?

(Oh my. Some chick just sat down and is eating pizza. I may tackle her. She’s totally like 18. I could so take her.)

After dinner we went out to some bar, which used to be a bar you could smoke in AND buy cigars, but they went smoke-free on January 1. So maybe they should change the marquee outside (OK, not a marquee. Just a sign on one of many entrances in a strip mall.) The marquee that says “Smokehouse and Tavern” or something. I just know it says Smokehouse. Which it is no longer. And I really needed a stogie last night.

After Fake Smokehouse, we ended up at the country line dancing place. Cadillac Ranch. Or The Ranch as it’s known by probably no one other than us. This marked my third time there. Ever. And it’s not so bad. I mean the people watching alone is awesome. The people who frequent The Ranch range in ages from 21 to 65. And they all know all these dances. It’s totally like the Nazis marching. (Which I’m pretty sure I say every time I’m there. And think I’m so genius for coming up with that every time.) They all get out there and do these synchronized dances with absolutely expressionless faces on. Like they totally aren’t enjoying it. I must have missed out that day when they implanted the robot country line dancing chips. And I’m totally OK with that.

And they all know how to two-step and do all those dances. It’s just bizarre to watch. And the best part? After 2 AM it switches into a hip hop club. So I was really enjoying myself after that. But since we’d been drinking since 6, we didn’t do much dancing. Since we were butt-ass tired.

But all in all, it was a great way to ring in our year of the 30th birthdays. Mine is in September. And I’ve already sent out the evite. I’m a planner and shit like that. And I lurve my birthday.

(This is like a totally combo post. And I’m tired of the parentheses. So you’re just going to have to think like me and jump from topic to topic.)

So I went into the little airport store, Hudson News, and I bought a sweatshirt that said Chicago. No. I didn’t. Who buys those? Cubs, Bears, Bulls, those make sense. I don’t need a shirt that just says Chicago. Unless it says some sort of smart ass thing underneath CHICAGO. (Actually no, I probably still wouldn’t buy it.) Anyway, so I was getting my water and some snacks because although I land in Seattle at 7:30, that’s 9:30 my time and I’m going to be hungry a lot earlier than that. But I can’t eat a big meal because I’m supposed to go to dinner with Amber when I land. So anyway I’m in there buying my stuff and there’s this kid. Like seriously, can’t be older than 16. And he’s trying to buy a Playboy. (Did you know they sold Playboy in airport newsstands? Cause I didn’t and it’s a little disturbing.) Anyway, the store dude is all asking him for ID. And he asks the young one his age. And he says 18. And he looks so guilty. Like it’s written on his face that he’s trying to get away with something. I know. I’ve had that face many a time. Mostly when I was using a fake ID in college. I don’t know if he ended up letting the kid buy it. I didn’t stick around. And yes, I’m kicking myself.

There are no aisle or window seats. The bitchy United worker told me. It’s a simple question lady. I’m not asking for a pot of gold. Just to see the availability. I hate United. Seriously. I really do. I’ve stopped flying it in recent years because they suck. They are always late. Their seats are cramped. They want you to pay extra to nothave your knees shoved up your nose. And that’s just redonkulous. But I had to get this flight last minute, and this was the cheapest by far. Damn you United.

I forgot to mention one interesting part about last night. (This has turned into stream of consciousness. Or like an e-mail. To the small voice inside my head. Who is really horrible about returning e-mails.) So last night the coat girl was there. It was the first time we’d all seen her since “the incident.” And none of us were looking forward to it because we were worried about the ramifications. And it was fine. And I’m glad we all moved on. Especially since really? Not that big of a deal.

So our plane just arrived at the gate. From wherever it came from that delayed us. Maybe I can tell by the people who get off. Hmmm… Maybe one will come off in an Albuquerque sweatshirt. Here comes an old man – could be AZ or Florida. Woman in turtleneck sweater – East Coast? These people gave me no clues. That was not a fun game. I’m sorry we had to go through that together. And I wish I could give you those moments of your life back. But I can’t. Apparently none of these people are sports fans.

Boarding time! I must go now and ride bitch. And probably drool on myself. Or the person sitting next to me.

P.S. So United doesn’t suck so bad. Or at least bitchy gate attendant isn’t as horrible as I may have made her out to seem. She got me a new seat. Not an aisle or a window. But she moved me up to Economy Plus, which has more leg room. AND it was in an exit row. So yeah, stuck in the middle, but no knees in the nose for four hours.

P.P.S. I didn’t get to sleep as much because I kept jerking myself awake every time I was really falling asleep. And since Schwerer told me last night that I talk and make noises in my sleep, I was really worried about it. I will now never be able to sleep around another person again. Which is maybe not too bad because I like to sleep smack dab in the middle of my bed.



  1. OMG, I am so sorry that you can’t sleep now around other people.. it wasn’t loud or anything, I am just not used to sleeping with someone else and the noises struck me as funny!

    Oh yeah and puking thing, what can I say?

  2. ha ha, you used the word lurrrrve!!! soon, you will turn in to me! muah ha ha ha!!

  3. Need to know was “coat girl” wearing a new one or did she just have on a hoodie??

  4. Holy crap, that cake sounds like the awesomest thing ever! Chocolate? Good. Vanilla? Good. Frosting? Good. Bananas? AWESOME!

    And by “stogie”, you mean … yeah, we know what you mean. 🙂

    That’s the first time I’ve ever heard a guy say, “Lurve.” When’s the operation?

    And yes, I did know they sold Playboy at the airport. But I’ve never bought it at the airport. That is a little weird.

  5. I always end up exhausted after sleeping when other people are there bc I’m so worried I’ll make weird sounds.

  6. No hoodie. She had a coat. I think. I try and avoid the whole thing all together.

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