Posted by: kristabella | January 30, 2007

Cake or Death?

This title has nothing to do with anything. I just watched this Eddie Izzard clip over on MamaPop and it made me think of that skit. If you haven’t seen Eddie Izzard, go out and rent his DVDs. Or look for his specials on BBC America. You have to watch a few times or put the subtitles on because he’s British and has marbles in his mouth. But he’s butt-ass funny. (That’s like saying butt-butt funny. Or I’m a tall-tall giant.) Some people don’t much care for him, but I laugh out loud. But then again, I laugh out loud when I type my posts. So don’t use me as a guide. Unless you think I’m funny, then be sure to tell all your friends and, most importantly, ME!

So a friend today e-mailed me and was asking me if I was itchin’ to get home to blog my fingers off. And I thought “Fuck! What the hell am I going to blog about tonight?” So I mentally went through my day. Which consisted of:

  • Stupidly going to a new Dunkin Donuts because it’s closer and ending up with bitter-ass coffee. Not a way to start off a morning when you’ve just walked to work in MINUS 17 GAZILLION wind chill. For those of you who have never experienced wind chill, you’re lucky. Notice I didn’t say “winter.” You people who have been in “snow” don’t know what it is like until the wind rips your face RIGHT OFF!
  • Not doing a lot today because I was the only one in the office for part of the day. And apparently part of my job is sitting around waiting for my client to push a little button online so we could get some damn money to our consultants.
  • (I swear, I’m in a good mood. And was all day. I don’t know where this is coming from.)
  • Oh, yeah I do. Gilmore Girls sucks ass! And I hear there is talk of another season? Why? Whyyyyyyyy?
  • Chipotle for lunch. Bar-Ba-Co-Ah.
  • Looking for a new cell phone. Trying to decide between Chocolate or MotoKrzr. And then going to the Verizon store to just push buttons. To see how easy it is to text. Krzr it is! (Plus, it’s free and Chocolate is $29.99.) (And it sounds like Krazy. Which I am.)
  • Commenting on my own post three times. Three times! That’s a little insane. And reeks of boredom.

So after I thought about how boring of a day I had and how fucking stupid I’d be to actually write about it, I thought I’d take a page from Scarlet’s book and write about horoscopes. Or as my dad used to say, the horror-scopes. Obviously, I get my sense of humor from my mother. (Insert me rolling eyes.)

Here are a few samplings for today. (I’m a Virgo. My birthday’s September 14. Buy me presents.)

You’ll start the day with a lot of energy, but you’ll get even more from your friends.

Translation? Well, since my coffee sucked, my friends didn’t really have to work for it, did they?

Here’s my daily single’s forecast:

You may want to be alone, but chances are you’ll just mope or stew. (Who’s mope? I know a Stew.) Take a book and go to a cafe, or meet up with friends – the stars say getting out and about and being around people energizes you now.

Translation? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck! FUUUUCK! Should read horoscope at BEGINNING of day. This does me no good now. Since I’m in my PJs. And have rubbed my eyes, which means I now look like a raccoon. Oh and this morning I started the day jammed into a red line train with 9,154 other people. And I felt no energy. Fuck you horoscope. And who wants energy? I want love. And money. And booze. In no particular order.

And finally:

Focus on love and beauty in your personal relationships. Now’s a great time to achieve emotional balance and lay the foundations of long-lasting harmony. You can do it easily with the current celestial influence’s help.

Translation? Um, no idea how to even relate this to my day today. Except I love Schwerer for giving me her advice on her phone. And emotional balance and long-lasting harmony? I’m so on it. Later.

And by the way, I read tomorrow’s and it said I’m going to get run over by a hot, tall guy driving a Miller Lite truck, which will severely injure me, for which I’ll sue for millions.

(That’s one of those times I laughed out loud at myself.)



  1. Yay for some horror-scopes.

    But I never want to hear negative words about Gilmore Girls again. NEVER EVER AGAIN, YOUNG LADY!

  2. You’re rolling your eyes at your mother? Shame!

  3. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but everyone I know who likes Eddie Izzard is a woman. I find that absolutely fascinating.

  4. Sorry Scarlet. It won’t happen again.

    And mom, I’m rolling my eyes at my father and his lame sense of humor.

    I know guys that like Eddie. I think a lot of guys probably get thrown off by the make-up and high heels. (Possibly the marbles in his mouth.) Maybe they’ll like his show on FX better. He looks like a man, baby, in the commercials.

  5. i’ve always referred to them as whore-scopes.

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