Posted by: kristabella | January 7, 2007

She Said She Liked It Better Than Pirates of Penzance

So for Christmas this year, I bought my mom tickets to a play. Well, musical. It’s not that original. Last Christmas (I gave you my heart and the very next day, you gave it away) I got her tickets to see Wicked. Which, by the way is AWESOME! I encourage all of you who have not seen it to go out and see it when it comes to a city near you. Or I shall beat you. With a two-by-four. Or feather. Your choice.

So this year, I got her tickets to go see The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I didn’t have much to choose from when I bought tickets. Most of the awesome musicals coming to town in 2007 aren’t on sale yet. And the only other option was The Color Purple. And I really didn’t want to see that. And turns out, Mom didn’t want to either.

So I didn’t know much about this show. I mean, I heard it got awesome reviews, won a lot of Tonys, but seriously? About a spelling bee?

Well, I’m here to tell you it was fan-flippin-tastic people! It was fucking hilarious! It is a must see!

(And they even pick people out of the audience (volunteers, I’m sure, but I don’t know how you go about it) to be part of the show. We had a dude who was doing really awesome. Like longer than he should have been. So they gave him like xerophthalmiology to spell. (I don’t think that’s really a word. Just something they make up to get the jackass off the stage.)

And even better? They throw out free candy to the audience. I didn’t get any (frown) (Mostly because I thought it would be rude to throw down with the bitch in front of me.) But Mom did find some on the ground when we were leaving (they were wrapped in plastic, people) and I took them. I am all about candy! Sour. Patch. Kids. (Am really 7 years old.)

And we sat in front of a Russian princess and her cousin, the Czar-ness. They were both in full-length mink coats. And make-up that had to be painted on. Like starting at 10 this morning. And the Princess had a fan. Not like a it-was-so-hot-in-here-I’m-folding-up-my-Playbill-into-a-fan fan. A real, honest to goodness fan. Where on earth does a bitch get one of those? A FAN!

And also today? I got my hair did. It looks cute. Same old cut that I’ve had (because I like it) but no more roots. And she added some low-lights. Which look really nice. I tried taking photos of myself in the mirror, but they all turned out stupid. You couldn’t see the low lights. Or I looked like a zombie. See?


Take me to your leader. And look at me in my pretty $6.99 top. Don’t I have nice cleavage?


It’s not as easy as it seems, people. Oh, and I look like shit. But am not drunk.


OK. Kinda see the low-lights? Do you even know what low-lights are? Do you even care?

(The things I do now that I have a blog. Yesterday I took a photo of my cat sitting on my semi-damp underwear that was sitting out to dry. But then decided, I didn’t want my underwear on the internet. Yet.)

And also today? My car went over 120,000 miles. Just in time. To sit on the street all day. Because I’m taking the train, bitches!

Oh, and we went to Bakers Square for dinner. And I know what you’re thinking. “Man, what an awesome daughter you are to take your mom to a Broadway musical and dinner at Bakers Square!”

Actually, it’s because the company that owns my old company, they give out $50 gift cards to Bakers Square as holiday gifts. Fifty dollars to Bakers Square. That’s a lot of fucking pie.

So, since I’m a little, um, short on funds right now. Because of the no paycheck thing. And mom isn’t rolling in the dough either, we went there. Because really? Who doesn’t like a free meal? That includes PIE! And, being the excellent granddaughter I am, I sent two pieces of pie home for Gram.

And I still have $12 left on that damn gift card! (And $15 on the one from last year. Pie anyone?)

But pie = good. Especially the Chocolate Peanut Butter pie I had. Oh you heard right. Chocolate. Peanut. Butter. Pie. Fan-fucking-tastic!

And on a completely different and vomit-inducing note. I’m attempting to make a pasta dish for dinner this week. It’s pasta with wild mushrooms, spinach and pine nuts. And it called from some cremini mushrooms. Which? I don’t know what they are. And thanks to Google, I’m thoroughly disgusted by all the nasty ass looking mushrooms out there.

See for yourself. Ewwwwwww…

Come for the food, stay for the pie. Vomit when you see mushrooms that look like an ear.



  1. Pie…did you say FREE pie 😉

    Don’t forget your good ole friend in McHenry who is also low on dough!

    Wendy bought me Wicked tickets for Christmas, so we are going the day after Schwerer’s 30th bday party. (Wendy may have to scrape my ass off the ground!)

    Good luck at your first day of work tomorrow!!

  2. It’s so difficult to explain the Spelling Bee play but it’s laugh your ass off funny. I totally would have liked to have been of the audience contestants. I liked when Jesus showed up in the aisles. Yes, Jesus. Gotta see the play to understand!
    Thanks for dinner, pie (yum), driving, and one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. Oh, and most of all, many thanks for being my “date”….you’re FUN! That is not news, just worth repeating.
    As for Gram’s pie, I asked her if she had breakfast yet this AM at about 8am….she did but I think she went back for her pie a bit later when I wasn’t looking. Pie=good.

  3. see you thursday!!

  4. Did you see Pretty Woman, it was on yesterday? That is where you got the title from right?

    Anyway, I am bored at work, so I of course read your fan-fucking-tastic blog!

  5. Dude, I actually want to see that! I should have forged your birth certificate to get a free ticket. I’ve never been to Baker’s Square either.

    That pasta sounds awesome!!!! Then again, I love mushrooms times infinity. If you need any help, I can probably give you a hand.

    The Bears should put on 49ers jerseys and then the Seahawks will just lie down.

  6. I did get it from Pretty Woman. I thought it would be a bit more sophisticated than “I peed my pants”

    I’ll let you know how the pasta turns out!

  7. I’m so lame! We have the Pretty Woman sound track but I don’t get the reference. How stupid am I? None of these blog people know me, so have at it!

  8. I just read the title again. I got it, I think. Richard Gere (big time hottie, minus the gerbil thing, of my era) takes her to San Francisco for the Pirates of Penzance play. It takes a while. By the way, your hair looks fabulous!

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