Posted by: kristabella | December 14, 2006

People of the World? Spice Up Your Life!

Did I get that Spice Girls song in your head? What? You don’t know what song I’m talking about? What the hell is wrong with you people?

So The Rahner told me I need to spice it up a bit. I’m not sure what that means. He said he wants to know more about Kristabella, or whatever I’m calling myself these days. And as I told him, the only thing spicy in my life is the burrito I ate last night.

So, The Rahner, this is for you. And hopefully this spices it up a bit!

My friend Shelly is having a little holiday get together tomorrow night. Just a few friends, some booze, maybe some snacks. That equals a good time to me. Plus, she lives close to me, so no driving. That is a running theme in my life these days. That is how much I hate driving.

Anyway, so one of the guests at said party is going to be this guy Jim. I’ve met him a few times. He went to school or something with my friend. I think they went out on one date back awhile ago and I still think he secretly is holding out for her, but that’s a whole different story.

So back in September? I think it was September. I know it was supposed to be fall, but it was this unusually hot, hot night for September. Oh it was September because I went to a bachelorette party the next night in Milwaukee (yes, I actually have been there a few times) and it was like 50 degrees. And we were on a boat. And I froze my ass off. Was not flip flop weather that night. But for $15, all you can drink and all you could eat tacos. And you know what? That “cruise” line went under. How? The world will never know.

Where was I? Oh, right. Hot night in September. But just weather wise. So it was a Friday night and my friend Shelly invited me out with some of her other friends. There was a German Festival in my ‘hood. See, my neighborhood is like totally German. There’s a Brauhaus and some other German places. (And a Potbelly. And they might have German Chocolate cake.) So they have 2 German festivals a year. This one in September is good. Because you buy this HUGE plastic beer stein for like $7 and you stand around and drink. How much better could a Friday night in September be? Unless it was my birthday. (Which is totally on a Friday this year bitches!)


OK, not to scale. But a lot of beer. Trust me.

So we hang around drinking. The damn festival closes at like 10, so we head to the pub down the street. Along with the rest of the festival apparently. We are having a great time. I’m teaching Shelly’s friends all about the subtle art of grabbing random guys’ asses and then striking up a conversation. It’s quite a pick-up move.

Then it happens. We’re sitting in a booth by the door and we see the waitress being pulled out the door by her hair by some skank. And then Waitress finally gets her ponytail back and is all trying to boot this chick out. Who is SO drunk. Drunk Chick needs a minute (before getting the boot) and has to sit in the booth for a second. To tie her halter top. And the bartender/owner/cute guy with an Irish accent, finally comes over the bar and boots Drunk Chick and her friends. And we? Had front row seats! Eeeeeeeee!

Then some other escalation starts in the back of the bar with Drunk Chick’s other friends, who apparently liked beer more than their friend. (Understandable.) And they start some sort of scuttle-butt in the back and again, we see a big tumbleweed of people heading towards the door. Right past our booth. Just as the po-po shows up. Again, eeeeeeeeee!

And that’s it. Bar closed. Lights on! Bright lights! EVERYBODY OUT! I, as per usual, have a half-full beer. And I’m in the drunk phase where that half-full beer is all that matters to me. I cannot leave without finishing this. (Ok, let’s be honest, this is my normal phase.) So that Jim-Dude and I just stand there. (You were wondering when he was going to come back into this, weren’t you? Two words. Full. Circle.) And we blend in with the decor. Somehow I stand quietly and finish my beer. (If you know me, you know this is a feat.)

And then, like the heavens opening above me, the lights go back out. Bar? Back open.

Obviously, there’s like no one still there. Because they pay attention when the police come and tell you to get the fuck out. But there is this creepy dude who lives in the Loop that came all the way up to The Square and decided to talk to me. He was a close talker. I remember that, and that he was from the Loop and that I kept saying “Why would you come all the way up here from the Loop?”

Creepy guy was the cue. To leave. So Jim-Dude and I take the cue and get the hizzy out of there. (After I swiped a cool 312 beer glass, of course.) I live a few blocks from The Square, so we hike it. He, being the nice guy that he is, decides to walk me home. And it’s on the way to the EL. He’s a really nice guy. Super funny. Although, he’s from Milwaukee. And not horribly ugly, surprisingly. (See, I told you it wasn’t everyone.)

So we get to my place and I ask him up. It’s probably well after midnight at this point. Time has no meaning to me. Especially after two 32-ounce beer steins. And how ever many I had at the pub. And he agrees. And me? I’ve got mad game! Snap!

So we sit on my couch and chat for a bit. My cat jumps all over him. (No, really. My cat. No euphemism.) I’m thinking “man, we really get along. This could be good. And I haven’t had sex in awhile.” (How’s that for spice, Rahner?) So after some time, he gets up to leave. It’s getting late.

(Small aside. I’m so drunk at this point, I’m seeing double. Brain capacity is crazy-town low.) 

So right before he leaves, I think I say something really stupid about him staying. Because that seems like a really good idea. (Duh!) And then he starts going on an on about how he always gives the girls the wrong signals and he’s not really that in to me and that this happens all the time with girls thinking one thing that he’s definitely not thinking. (Um. OK.)

And then I think he Road Runners it out the door and down three flights of stairs. Thank God, because I just wanted to crawl in a hole. Which, my apartment is not furnished with.

And tomorrow night, I will see him for the first time since this “encounter.” And it will be awkward as shit. And thank all that is holy and good that other people will be there. And that there will be al-kee-hall! And, therefore, I’m hoping, a really good blog post!

So, The Rahner? Spicy enough for you? No? Then watch the Spice Girls video so you can have it in your head too.



  1. after reading these, you really need to get married… SOON!

  2. $tabone, was that a proposal?

  3. I knew my mom was going to say that!

  4. one of the best drunk songs ever!

  5. It’s getting better! Good job…..

  6. I got The Rahner to comment! Woot!

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