Posted by: kristabella | November 29, 2006

Help! My Pants? They Are on FIRE!

I am a liar. A LIAR!

And I’m not good at it. At. All.

So with these back-to-back interviews, I’ve had to come up with some excuses as to get out of work and not draw any attention. The interview on Tuesday was a bit last minute. It was supposed to be a phone interview, so I could have done it on my lunch hour. All would have been good. Then they are all in a hurry to hire and want me to come in. And then, fuck me! I have to take another 1/2 day off. Somehow. Without looking like there’s something seriously wrong with me that I would need to go to the doctor two days. In a row.

I had already mentioned the Dr.’s appointment for Monday to my boss. And he’s cool with it. Because, frankly, I ask over e-mail. I can’t lie to your face! Hell to the no! And then this other interview comes up and oh for the love of God, how am I going to go about this??? (panicpanicpanicpanicpanic)

So I do what all other self-respecting human beings do. I ask my mom. Because my mom? She’s like Queen Anti-Truth. (Sorry mom, but you’re really good at it.) Mom tells me it’s more than reasonable that you would need to go back in the next day for blood work and additional tests. (Really? This is reasonable? They won’t ask any follow up questions?)

Turns out, it is.

See, I have HUGE… tonsils. (What? What did you think I was going to say? Oh, geez. Grow up! Heehee) I get like one REALLY bad sore throat a year. Remember? And every time, I’m in pain for a few days, but the swelling goes down. And then I’m all better. And can finally eat solid food again. And not cringe when I drink. My doctor in CA told me that it’s better to just put up with one bad sore throat a year than to have your tonsils taken out. Apparently they don’t rush to do it like they used to in the olden days. And they really don’t like to do it in adults. Not as easy as you get older, or something. Lots of complications. I think. Or I’m making that up.

Why am I telling you this? The dirt people know nothing about this, though. (Nothing. I know nothing! I love Hogan’s Heroes. Richard Dawson was in it. And I lurve Richard Dawson. If I was ever on Family Feud I would given him more than a small kiss. I would have gone ALL IN. It would have been edited out for the R-ratedness of it all.)  So since I did just have a sore throat before Orlando, I told them that’s when I made this appt. because I need to know if this is something serious. And THEN, after Monday’s appointment, they want me to go to a specialist to make sure I don’t need surgery. Perfect plan, right?

Right. Except that for the past three days, everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing. How I’m feeling? What did the doctor say? Do you have to have surgery? And I? CANNOT LIE THIS MUCH! TO YOUR FACES! I get all red-faced and totally shifty-eyed. I mean, you know how you read all that shit from body language experts about how people act when they lie? (No? Just me? Jesus, people, pick up an US Weekly now and then!) Well, that’s SO me. I look up and to the whatever-direction-it-is-where-you’re-searching-your-brain-for-an-answer. I don’t make eye contact. Ever. I try to change the SUBJECT.

But I think they’re fooled. I of course don’t really think they are. I feel like they see right through me. And I feel so horrible. I am so going to hell! In a handbasket!

But what can you do? I mean, I just want to come out and tell them the God damned truth, but I know this is NO good. So lying it is. Hopefully I do get one of these jobs because, seriously, I’m running out of excuses. I mean, I’ve been to the doctor and dentist so much this year, I can’t use those as excuses anymore. (Thank God for HIPPA and they can’t ask HR about that kind of shit) I even used the “they need to fix my radiators” excuse. What’s next? My cat is sick? (Oooohh……that’s a good one. Mental note.)

And? I am so full of shit. Which is good. Because it put my pants out. Since they were ON FIRE!


Survey Says? Give Us a Kiss



  1. Queen-Anti Truth????????????? I love it! Years of training have made lies flow off my tongue much easier than the truth…yeah, that’s the ticket…

  2. Jealous about snow.

    When I was interviewing at the end of my last job, I used real things I had to do (pay tuition, go to the bank) and made them last a LONG TIME (school is over an hour away, have to go to bank branch in other city). I’m pretty sure they all knew what I was doing. Oh well!

  3. I had no idea about your Richard Dawson fetish…

    And remember, lots of snow is another GREAT excuse for missing work, if you need to do any follow-up interviews. You can always live on the one or two streets that don’t get plowed (like me, March of ’06; took a snow day and went to see a movie).

    My street was not safe enough to drive on… well, the theater was really close.

  4. Scarlet – You can have the snow. Actually I don’t think I would mind it if I didn’t have to drive in it or shovel myself a parking spot. Shit, I just remembered I forgot to get out the shovel and put it in my car!

    I LOVE Richard Dawson! I am hooked on the old Match Game re-runs on Game Show Network. Such a great show and they could get away with so much! It must be the accent….

    And there’s no way I would be lucky enough to get a snowstorm on the day of an interview.

  5. I obviously need to give you lessons in the “lieing to your work” department!
    Boss’ don’t need to know specifics, it’s as easy as…”I’m just goign to the Dr. to take care of some stuff, I’d rather not discuss it and please keep this to yourself.” VIOLA!

  6. you have some pretty catchy titles, you glamour puss

  7. Thanks fluidspirit! I think glamour puss is a good thing! 🙂

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