Posted by: kristabella | November 22, 2006

Let Me Be Your Dentist. Baby Floss it Up

I HATE the dentist. Really do. It goes back to my childhood. Much like most of the things I hate – Halloween, Gandhi the movie (not the person), alcoholics, etc.

I’ll spare you the boring details, but essentially when my parents divorced when I was 8, I pretty much went TOO long without a visit to the Novocaine Man. And I eat A LOT of candy. And drank A LOT of Kool-Aid. Therefore, I had quite a few cavities.

One was so bad, that I had to have a root canal. And a crown put on. I was like 10, I think, at the time. Far too young to have such horrible teeth. (Although, I think a lot of it is hereditary because we all have bad teeth. But we all have straight teeth naturally, so my parents TOTALLY lucked out with that one.) So it was like 1987. Back when they just liked to see patients in PAIN!!! This was the worst pain I have ever been in. And I’ve broken bones, had stitches, monster menstrual cramps, fallen down drunk. You get the idea.

But, they like take the nerve out of your tooth and shit. To do this, you need to be N-U-M-B. Like take a jackhammer to my face and I shouldn’t feel a thing numb. So my crazy, perverty-boob-staring-at dentist, gave me a shot of Novocaine. Right in the cavity! The PAIN! Only time I’ve ever cried at the dentist. To this day, I tell people THAT pain has to be worse than childbirth. I have tears in my eyes thinking about it.

Since that time, once the root canal was done and all my other teeths were filled with good old silver filings, I haven’t had a cavity. I’ve had the silver ones re-done. I’ve had some more crowns. Mostly because, dammit I AM a Queen! (Actually, it’s because I grind my teeth like a madwomen at night and I need something stronger than enamel. Like porcelain.)

I brush well. I even started flossing every day, like 5 years ago (better late than never, bitches!) I think I have pretty good oral hygiene. Mostly because I never want to go through that pain. Again. Ever!

(I went to the dentist this morning, can you guess??)

I like my dentist now. She’s young, talks a lot and reads trashy magazines and likes to drink beer. (She talks a lot and tells you everything!) The hygienists, on the other hand, I DON’T like. No one’s teeth are going to be spotless when you come in for check-ups. I mean, why the fuck would I get cleanings in the first place then? For the joy of it? Hell to the no!

So the hygienists in my dental office are all foreign. I think they are all Eastern Europeans. Which now makes me realize why the hell they are so fricking MEAN. I mean, they scold you. Like beat you down kind of scolding, about flossing and brushing.

I admit, I get lazy. Especially lately. I haven’t spent a lot of time flossing in the last month or so. I get busy and that’s like the first thing I get lazy with. I don’t know why. In my crazy head, I am convinced that if I don’t floss at night, I can get to bed like 15 minutes earlier. In reality, it takes like 2 minutes. But I’m insane. In the membrane. Insane. In the brain.

So today, Crazy-Before-the-Wall-Came-Down-East-German-Hygienist was yelling at me about flossing. And I was honest and told her I’ve been a little lax. I mean, she made me feel like I was about to get the electric chair if I didn’t start flossing more. I saw a whip in her pocket. And I just don’t like to feel that bad first thing in the morning. Who the fuck am I kidding? I don’t like to feel that bad EVER!

So I’m sitting there, feeling like shit, waiting for this fucking appointment to end, waiting for McDentist to make sure McDictator McHygienist cleaned my teeth up good and shiny, wishing I would have just flossed more! Then McDentist comes in, all cheery and shit, says my teeth look great. I’m a good brusher! I have GREAT (yep, kids, she said great) oral hygiene.

So shove it up your ass, McDictator! And give me my free toothbrush and little tube of toothpaste before I stick my big, old Democratic foot up your ass!

Oh, sorry, it’s like the holiday season and shit. Have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow!

Drink it up!

Happy Thanksgiving!



  1. Whoa…This was so something I could have written. hey, I practically have! I’m the same way with flossing…that 15 minutes sleep is more important sometimes. And I never remember them being so adament about flossing when I was little. It’s a relatively new thing to enforce, I think.

  2. That’s too funny! Great minds think alike. And hate Nazi Hygienists!

    Although, unlike you, I don’t dread it. I should because the outcome is always the same. But I apparently need to re-read this before my next appt.

  3. My dentist appointment that inspired that post turned out to be okay, so maybe I will dread it less next time. I did end up listing all of the things I do and why I really am too busy to floss, haha. They were like, “Wow.” ha!

  4. You want to crown ’em, then crown their ass! Sorry. 🙂

    Your childhood dentist stared at a 10-year-old’s chest? That’s fucked up. Where was Chris Hansen when you needed him?

  5. No, he didn’t stare at my chest until later. He was my dentist until after college.

    But he sure liked my stepmom when we were younger!

  6. I can’t believe that we never discussed the dentist! I am SO on the same page! Well, except that I have always taken good care of my teeth. I am a clean freak, afterall.
    I swear, dentists always find something wrong with my teeth. I had a filling, then a crown and eventually a root canal to finally having the stupid thing pulled! I think the dentist that did my root canal (and by the way, that was THE WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN, EVER!) fucked up the tooth. When I finally had it pulled, I had to wear this fake tooth/retainer thing for over a year! One time when I was at happy hour it broke! I totally had to call in sick to work because I couldn’t go around serving people Diet C0ke without a tooth!
    I had two surgeries, one to have it pulled and one to have the implant put in. To make it even worse, insurance considers this cosmetic, so they don’t pay anything! It cost over $5,000! I could have had real implants (breast) for what I paid for ONE tooth!
    Anyway, at my dentist’s office I totally ease drop on everyone else’s conversations. I know, what a shock! This dick in the other chair admitted that he doesn’t floss and doesn’t take good care of this teeth. Guess what?! He walks out of there without any problems, no cavity, crown or root canal! I completely go off on my dentist when I get the shitty news that one of my old cavity/crowns needs to be replaced! I get the shaft because I take care of my teeth! It is so frustrating!
    Your dentist sounds cool because she likes to drink beer. My dentist is a Gaucho, so he is cool.

  7. I think Kirk would have preferred the breast implants. 🙂

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