Posted by: kristabella | November 20, 2006

Ann Arbor is a Whore

I’m back from Arizona. And none too pleased about it. For one, it was 85 and sunny there. And two, it’s cold here. And I have to come back to work. At a place that me no likey. Oh well. Such is life.

So the Valley of the Sun trip was awesome! I really haven’t been back there in some time, at least where I wasn’t working or doing bridesmaidy stuff. So it was nice to seriously go and hang out and hit all my old hot spots and take in some football games. And it was really awesome to hang out with my AZpeeps. I miss you guys!

I could seriously do like a post for each day I was there, but I don’t think it would be as funny as it is to me. But I think I’m funny. And I’m always right! So there! And use a lot of exclamation!! points!!! (!!!!)

I would just like to point out some highlights from my three-day mini-break. (That’s what they call it in England. At least in MY Britain, according to Bridget Jones.)

  • They have these painted rocking chairs in Midway airport. It’s kind of a cool idea. But when you see Joe Businessman (that was his name. Totally. I got his business card. He works for XYZCompany in Anytown, USA) going to town on his laptop on a rocking chair, it’s just weird. Should have taken a photo. Grandma and Grandpa Smalltown really enjoyed them, though.
  • You can get cocktails to GO at Midway. To Go! Like, take your beer to the gate. This becomes essential when you’re flying fucking Southwest and have to get in line or get stuck between Mr. & Mrs. McSmellypants (I’m on a roll, kids!) And me? I took full advantage of this. And also felt like I was breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law. But wasn’t!
  • I of course forgot my sunglasses. Wasn’t sunny in dreary Chicagoland. And I even wrote a note. And we all know my sagas with my sunglasses. But we stopped off at the Fiesta Mall kiosk in Mesa (a nice place-a) for some shades. This is one of those knock-off thingys, like 2 of $15. So I’m now sporting 2 pair of Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses bitches! For $15! Cha-ching!
  • Fiesta Mall’s speed limit is 17. Seriously. 17. That’s what the sign says. Did someone do a study that you can’t do any bodily damage when you run into someone at 17 MPH? How do you conduct that study? Pay a bunch of poor, drunk ASU students to stand in a parking lot and wait for a moving vehicle to hit them? Actually, that’s probably so what they do. And they give them $20. And the ASU students are all “SCORE! Filibertos for a month!” (Yum…..Filiberto’s)
  • Noticed on the side of the road on 32nd St. was a man, trying to earn a living selling huge area rugs. But these aren’t any normal area rugs. There was a wide array. There was a classy skanky Oriental rug (can we still say Oriental, or did I just go all 83-year old man on your ass?) And then there was a Scarface rug (like the movie poster) and the piece de resistance? A Tupac rug! Thug or Die, bitches. I bet my cats would piss on it. They are so Biggie and East Coast rap fans.
  • So Arizona State University, at least the campus, looks nothing like it did when I went there. And I mean, it’s only been 7 years since I left. (Wow. Has it been that long? Damn I’m old) But they are now the largest University in the US (maybe the world…..Sharm?) so they need more space. So they have all these new dorms and buildings and are constructing up the whole campus. It’s just weird because it doesn’t feel like my school anymore.
  • And ASU is now Laguna Beach East. We passed some “students” coming from the pool (hee…..we so did that too so we were tan at Xmas) and I swore it was LC and Kristin or Tessa or Alex M. But if it was that skank Kyndra, I would have jumped out and beat her ass DOWN! And when did 12-year olds start attending college. Because that’s how old they look.
  • Saturday afternoon we spent in a bar (shocker!) watching college football. And eating. Thankfully Ohio State won. Not that I like them. But the Phins Phan does. And we wanted him to win, and not TJ. (Very logical reasoning) And Fitz went to Michigan. And I hate that douche of a tool box.
  • Saturday night we were lucky horribly unlucky to sit through the ASU/UCLA game. ASU is scared of the end zone. No shit. They were on the three-yard line at least twice and? Scored 4 field goals. Thank GOD we stopped at the Circle K to pick up contraband bottles of liquor beforehand. I swear, it’s a good thing I worked every game in college otherwise I’d be a drunk. I mean, more of a drunk than I am now.
  • We had a funny section. There were a bunch of guys, including the guy wearing the “Ann Arbor is a Whore” shirt. (from where our title comes) He and his buddies are apparently from Chicago. They were on my flight last night. We totally made eye contact and did the “damn you look familiar, but from where” look.
  • The dude in front of us didn’t know how to properly do the Sun Devil pitchfork hand sign. So I corrected him. Naturally. He instructed me that he knew how to do it. He went to ASU. No shit sherlock. So did I. And you’re doing it wrong.
  • There was an epidemic in our section too……thongs! On display! Everywhere! And I don’t mean flip flops. For the love of Pete ladies! Go commando if you have to!

thong.jpg

thong2.jpg

  • What’s with the jingling of the keys at college fotball games? I mean the first I heard of it was in that Danity Kane song. You know, jingle them keys, go and jingle them keys. Put ’em up real high make sure e’rybody sees. But I still don’t get it. Is that supposed to be loud? We should stick to tortillas.
  • I’m going to start a website – Koet Koetter.com. Get it? Well, probably only if you know who Dirk Koetter is. And if you don’t, you’re lucky. He makes you scared of the end zone. Or maybe I’ll start a HireLouHoltz.com. Yeah! Love Sweet Lou!
  • Sunday I went to the new University of Phoenix Stadium (it’s where the Cardinals play) That place is AWESOME! Every one should go. My guy hooked me up with some pre-game passes, so we got to go down on the field before the game. It was a sweet time.
  • While on the sideline, I saw this guy. Who looks way better in person. The Jens wants to set me up with him. I would not object. Nor would I kick him out of bed.
  • At the game, we sat next to him. I totally thought he looked familiar. I figured he worked for the Lions, since he had a credential on. So I asked him. Because, seriously, I full on thought he was like the Lions web guy. But then he told me he was an actor. And I so was this close to calling bullshit on him. And then he mentioned According to Jim and Jim Belushi. And no one jokes about Belushis.
  • His friends were funny. The guy next to me wasn’t a big sports fan, to say the least. I think he played for the other team. And his cheering of the Lions alone was a comedy act. At one point he yelled “Just punch him in the face!” And then turned to us and said “it just doesn’t sound right when I say it.” They kept getting up to go to the bathroom, or smoke or get beers. So seriously, one would come back, and as soon as we sat down, another one would want out. It was so comical at one point the one dude was all, totally deadpan, “yes, I have ants in my pants.”
  • The one friend had an accent (maybe Australian, maybe British.) and he got up and all I heard was “Arizona.” All Sharm heard was “shirt.” So we then proceeded to have a conversation about everything he could have said involving Arizona and shirt. Like “I came to Arizona and all I got was nacho cheese on my shirt.” Or “I’ve never been to Arizona, would you mind if I looked down your shirt?” And “The Lions are so bad I’m going to get an Arizona shirt.” Five minutes later, he came back in a Cardinals shirt.
  • After the game, I took a photo of the new Pat Tillman statue. The thing seriously stands about 10 feet tall. Overheard uttered by some girl “It’s really life size?” The best part was that she said it while some dude was taking a photo next to it. And came up to his chest. Clearly that guy was a midget.
  • Driving to the airport last night, I passed the In-N-Out that they put in AFTER we graduated. If  I could have driven off the 202 into the parking lot, I would have. As it was, I crossed 4 lanes of traffic to make the exit. It’s In-N-Out people! And apparently, they have a song. That’s what it’s all about.

tillman.jpg

We miss you Tilly!

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Responses

  1. If you hire Lou Holtz today, your program will be on probation tomorrow. That is unless the NCAA is in your school’s back pocket. cough *Notre Dame* cough cough.

    Yeah, Larry Joe Campbell is a Second City Detroit alum. I saw him perform a couple years ago with [names redacted because I’ll just sound like a huge improv-loving dork, which I am]. I never asked any of my teachers about Second City’s official stance about his being on that show, since pretty much every teacher I had at SC has the same opinion of Jim Belushi as I do. As in, he’s a disgrace to our fair city and to his family name.

    Is that statue of Pat Tillman holding an olive with a pimento in it? I’m so going to hell.

    So are you guys eligible for your yearly Mr. Shit bowl yet? Go 6-5 and play some other team in the lower half of the NCAA? (Hey, my school’s 1-AA so I have no leg to stand on).

    I don’t know who Danity Kane is, but the Single-A Frederick Keys have had fans shake their keys since their inception in the late ’80s or early ’90s.

    Oh, and word on the street is that ASU has always been Laguna Beach East. That’s why I was so surprised you went there because you’re smart.

  2. Ah, happy times, happy times.

    The funniest part about the first thong photo is that I think she knew you took it.

    Mr. Cardinals Offensive Quality Control is pretty cute, however he must SUCK at his job. The words Cardinals, Offense and Quality don’t seem to work in the same sentence.

    I still want to see the Ay, Mi Cabezsa entry sometime soon.

    Love ya!

  3. Unfortunately, we are bowl eligible. But I’m actually rooting for the Mildcats to beat us down because we need Koetter to get the fuck out of there. And the boosters only remember the last game, so he’s saved his job the last few years by beating U of A.

    ASU has always been a little Laguna Beach. I mean, it’s warm and you can wear shorts all year round. But it seems worse. But that’s probably because I’m old now.

    And smart people go to ASU! Especially smart Midwesterners who want to get away from the cold! And party! And take classes on the Beatles!

    Danity Kane is Diddy’s band that won Making the Band. Or something. I just know the “Show Stopper” song.

    And that chick TOTALLY knew I was taking it (damn flash on my camera!) I love that she fixed it and the damn thing was showing again 2 minutes later.

    I still love Lou Holtz!

  4. I’m with Beavis – ASU has long had a likeness to Laguna Beach East.

    Residents of Seattle buy the most sunglasses per capita. Go figure. No sunglasses have been needed in November. I need a 3 day mini-break to Arizona.

  5. I’m really glad my boss didn’t just come hand me those schedules while I was on your site. I don’t have to post pictures of guys in various states on undress on mine now, do I?

    So what’s worse on the slut attire scale: visable thong or Tramp Stamp? Oh, who am I kidding. Tramp Stamp’s much worse. Yuck!

  6. Yeah, Tramp Stamp is way worse. Because those skanks probably don’t even wear underwear. Ever.

    I wouldn’t mind some naked hot dudes on your site.

  7. Dang, you’re making me pine (even more) for ol’ ASU. Sucky football team or not.

    And wish I had been there to help you decipher that maybe-Australian-maybe-British accent. But then again, what would I know about that???

    Note to self: When flying out of Chi-town after visiting this blogger, fly out of Midway>>>>Cocktails to GO! What a fantasic concept. Reminds me of the now-lengendary SoCal Chicks-Football weekend in November ’02. We SO could have used cocktails to go in the Burbank Airport… from what I remember.

  8. I’m pretty sure we didn’t need any more alcohol after that trip. I had the shakes the next day at work. After missing my flight. Because I passed out in the backseat. After 10 beers at the Chargers game.

    Good times!

  9. GREAT WEEKEND!

    DUDE! IN-N-OUT HAS A SONG…HOW KILLER IS DAT!!


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