Posted by: kristabella | November 13, 2006

On Wisconsin

Two Saturdays ago I attended a friend’s wedding up in Wisconsin. Just outside Milwaukee. And I think I’ve mentioned how I feel about Cheeseheads (= bad). Actually, I don’t have any animosity towards them. Well, yeah, maybe when I see someone driving like an idiot and I notice the Wisconsin plates I may whisper softly yell excitedly “It figures! Cheesehead!”

And you know, they have a nickname for us. They call us FIBs. Fucking Illinois Bastards. And that, is way more harsh than embracing their exceedingly good cheese making abilities.

(And on a side note, I’ve heard that our neighbors to the East, Indiana, like to refer to us in the same manner. And what did we ever do to you? Huh? I mean, we even let you idiot, white trash Northwest Indiana residents CLAIM you’re from Chicago. This from the state that lets Notre Dame have a home. Suck it Hoosiers!)

Where was I? Oh, right, the wedding. So it was a good time. It was a reception for a friend from ASU who actually did the destination wedding and had the big ol’ party back home. In Wisconsin. Should have stayed in Florida.

So the wedding. It was fun. Our table was the best by far. Random groups coming together. There was a guy who was a training intern for the Niners back a few years ago, who knew the bride from Texas. There was a guy from Texas who was originally from the Bay Area and went to high school with Paraag Marathe. And for those of us who know him, this guy confirmed it. He said “I have two words to describe Paraag. Douche. Bag.” Your honor, I rest my case.

(Side story, I was asking my friend Smooth about Indian food a few months back because I was going to an Indian place for the first time for a book club meeting. (Yes, I’m in a book club. And no, I’m not a nerd. We sit and drink and gossip. So THERE!) And I asked Smooth if Indian food was any good and he said “Let me break it down for you this way. Paraag is Indian. Therefore Indian food sucks ass.” Still one of the funniest things he’s ever said. And that’s saying a lot! AWESOME!)

Back to the wedding. My friends and I noticed something interesting about Wisconsin. And this is something I noticed on my earlier trips up to the Dairy Land (see, I can be nice.) People generally in Wisconsin are not good looking. (OK, maybe I can’t) And now, I’m no supermodel, even with my towering height. But seriously, a good majority of the citizens are ugly. (No offense to the bride and groom and the handful of people I know that are beautiful that live up there. I’m just saying a majority) And as BFF Julie pointed out “They aren’t just ugly, they’re fugly!”

It started with the ALL woman staff at the hall who were dressed a little like St. Pauli Girls. But nowhere near as hot. Or as well-endowed. And these women, were bruisers. They were lugging chairs and tables around like it was nothing. Do NOT get in their way when they are clearing the dance floor. Yikes!

And then there’s the wardrobe. The younger people were dressed fine. They were dressed as if they were coming to a WED-DING! When we walked in, I was sure to be way overdressed. People were wearing jeans! JEANS! To a WED-DING! And there was a wide array of things you’d wear hunting, or out to dinner or to work or to the titty bar down the street. Bottom line? Very casual. And the sequins! In Wisconsin sequins = fancy! And more sequins = fancier! For the love of the sweatshop worker that had to sew those on! To ugly clothes!

And there was your fair share of floods. (What is it with certain Midwestern towns and the people all wearing floods – St. Louis, Milwaukee) And the stylish Mormon look of the DJ, rocking that white short-sleeved shirt! With the tie, don’t forget the tie. This is a wedding after all. Sleeves? Who in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks needs sleeves? Not Mormons! (Hi The Jens!)


Play that funky music, white boy!

Then, there was our favorite. Seeing as it’s Milwaukee in November, it’s chilly. You should probably be wearing hose or tights. (Except me, because, well, I’m not 50) (Did I actually just say hose? Damn, I AM 50)  But this older woman was. Black nylons with a black dress. Not bad right? Nope. She was wearing, wait for it, wait for it…………SILVER. OPEN TOED. SHOES!! I cannot explain to you how horrible this looked. You should be able to imagine the HORROR!

And to top it all off, was the creepy guy. Who was neither ugly, or fugly. He was creepugly. (New word alert! Use it. Love it. Live it) And I have a photo of him, but I’m thinking I can’t really put it up here since I don’t have like permission or anything. Anyway, Creepugly was wearing brown hiking boots (I’m starting at the bottom because it so gets better as we go up.) And then he was wearing jeans (see above how I feel about that) On top, it was a T-shirt. With a guitar on it. A GUITAR. On top of that was a button down striped shirt, open enough to SEE the guitar shirt. And then on top of that, a blazer. And really, it wasn’t the outfit. This dude was not pretty. Someone went to town on him with the ugly stick. But he seemed not to care and rocked out (air guitaring on his t-shirt. Oh wait, that was us. Mocking it. A LOT) to all the classic hair bands who you frequently hear at weddings. (i.e. Poison, Def Leppard, etc.)

And then there was the one black guy who had to witness a lot of BAD white-people dancing. Wait, what am I saying? All white-people dancing is bad. Well, except me and my one kick ass move that I have. (I should really learn a new move, but I don’t like change. I stick with what works. And by works, I mean the only move I’m capable of without clapping or snapping and really calling attention to my Caucasian ass)

But it was a lot of fun and that 5 AM wake-up call the next morning to get my ass on a plane to Orlando came all too soon. But it was good to see Julie and Joey C. I’d post a cute photo of us, but Joey’s like in the witness relocation program or something. Oh, and his name isn’t Joey. It’s Caesar. Sorry Joey Caesar. (Dammit!)

So I’ll just show some sexy Sun Devil biatches instead!


Sun Devils = Seeeexy Ladies



  1. The only thing “better” than the silver sandals with the black hose is if the black hose ALSO had those big honking reinforced toes….like orthopedic pantyhose. Aaargh! My skin is crawling just picturing it.

  2. OK, OK, I’ll ask her. Miss, where do all the high school girls hang out? No, wait. That wasn’t it. Oh, I remember. Who is Paraag Marathe?

    Actually hair metal at weddings sounds kinda fun. Nylons and open-toed shoes? Less fun. It’s like socks and sandals for guys.

  3. Paraag is the idiot savant that the Niners hired to run the team. With no football knowledge. But he had an MBA from Stanford. Therefore, he must be capable of being some sort of football operations person of an NFL team.

    His best quote was something about he’d rather sign a C player at a C price than an A player at an A price. Good way to run a team. Into the ground.

  4. hey, in that “Sun Devils = Seeeexy Ladies” pic you got on here, are you guys doing the shocker? ’cause if you are doing the shocker, you’re doing it all wrong. the index and middle fingers have to be touching each other to get the most out of the shocker experience.

  5. OK, sick. Yes, everyone was thinking it, but did you have to say it?

    I may have to ban you from commenting.

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