Posted by: kristabella | October 22, 2006

Swift Judicial Kick in the Ass – Part Two

Because the Bears have a bye and you can’t seriously expect me to watch The Packers play the Dolphins (Seriously? There isn’t a better game on today? Upon further review, no there isn’t.) I have decided to not keep you all waiting and continue my saga.

Previously on Oh, You’ll Get Your Day in Court: I shared the harrowing journey (read: went on and on incessantly) of my day in Oakland Court. For a speeding ticket from some asshole cops who were in an unmarked car and were chasing me through downtown Oakland on a Saturday night. The end result? I spent a half day in court and still had to pay the damn thing.

Which bring us to my next awesome dealings with judges and all that legal bullshit. This time, the location is Lake County, Illinois, which is pretty much almost Wisconsin. And don’t even get me started on the Cheeseheads.

To preface, I know full well I was guilty both times. But seriously, the first one in Oakland, I honestly was trying to get away from Creepy Unmarked Car. Granted, I could have pulled off, etc. But I didn’t know where I was and wanted to get home. Oh, and not the best area to “pull off.” So yes, I was speeding, but for SAFETY. (That right there is logic for ya)

Anyway…this second ticket just occurred this summer. I got a ticket on my lunch break. I had just stopped at Panera and was speeding back to work to eat it. Helloooooo, it’s PANERA! Yum! Some dickhead cop was sitting in the median and just pulling people over left and right. I was one of his lucky victims. The verdict? I was going 51 in a 35! (DAMN!) (And by the way, I still don’t think I was going that fast.) So he gave me the ticket and sent me on my merry sobbing uncontrollably way. (The worst part? A car full of co-workers totally drove past me being pulled over. And laughed. At me. ME!)

So the reason for the crying is A) I make NO money. Don’t listen to what people say. Soil does not pay. (But I hear something called crime does??) So I was trying to figure out where I was going to come up with $100. (Yes, I’m THAT poor). And B) I just got a ticket in December and it wasn’t 12 months in between, so I can’t do traffic school. Which means it goes on my record. Which means insurance will go up. Which leads us back to point A.

Back at work, I stop crying, but since I’m a fair-skinned beauty, my face gets red and puffy and I look like I had some sort of allergic reaction, so EVERYONE knows I’ve been crying. Which isn’t fun at work. Totally kills my hard-ass facade. But my boss comes over and makes his first ever intelligent comment and tells me to go to court and hope the cop doesn’t show up. GENIUS! So that’s what I do.

Someone tells me I might want to have some sort of defense in case the cop shows up (which he totally isn’t going to do by the way. Because don’t cops have like better things to do? Like fight crime???) So since I happen to visit Panera semi-regularly, I come up with my defense. Technically, from where I pulled out, there was NO sign with the speed limit. (That is indeed true.) Only one for a school zone, which it wasn’t because it was August. And my only knowledge of this road is a little further north, where it is 45 MPH. (OK, so YES 51 in a 45 is still technically speeding, but that’s not ticket worthy.) Plus I drive a Nissan Sentra. There’s no way in hell that I got up to 51 in that short distance. No matter how much I wanted that Panera.

Whatever…….I go to court. I totally planned on wearing a low cut top (I have NO shame people. This is money we’re talking about) but it happens to be f’ing cold that day and SNOW! In October! Earliest EVER in the history of Chicago. So I wear a turtleneck. (Boo.)

Court starts at 9. I swear to mother fucking God that the cop walks in that door at 8:59:59. RIGHT before they close the doors! I wanted to just stand up and be like “where the hell do I pay the fine?” But I don’t. Because I don’t think that’s like protocol or something. And I’d be in contempt. Or something.

I’m the LAST person to go (what is it with me always going last in court? And I’m pretty sure it ain’t the “save the best for last” bullshit) and again sat through all kinds of miscreants. People with no licenses. People with no insurance. People with NO SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS (um, not citizens. Um, not supposed to be driving!). And the best, two underage teens caught drinking and driving. OK, that one was serious, but still, I giggled. (Don’t judge  me)

And let me point out that the Buffalo Grove police department had FOUR cops there that day. FOUR! And my guy? He had FOUR people fighting HIS tickets. Which irritated the piss out of me. Because you know it’s the whole “I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine” thing with the court planning them all on the same day so he doesn’t have to come on more than one day. Bastards!

Anyway, I get up there, get all red-faced AGAIN, stumble over my words and pretty much want to crawl in a hole because me? I’m an asshole. So I pay the fine after saying something lame-ass like “the radar gun wasn’t calibrated correctly” and they both look look at me and laugh. And then laughed some more when I told them that my previous ticket in December was the day after I broke up with my boyfriend and I was a mess, when all he was asking was if I went to traffic school the last time. (I want to crawl in a hole just thinking about it now)

There was some good in this story. I guess. He put me on court supervision, which is Illinois’ term for it not going on your record, as long as you don’t get another ticket in 12 months. So that’s good. I guess. Insurance won’t be going up.

But still…..I would have loved to tell him where he could shove that gavel!



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