Posted by: kristabella | April 4, 2008

Bacon. It’s What’s For Snarking.

Bacon has been feeling a little neglected these days. He was all excited about his last entry, getting to answer people’s questions and then NOTHING. So since I have a lot more readers (a lot = 2), I figured it was time for a Bacon post. Especially since I get some of the greatest search terms. I’m just saying.

So for all you new people, please click here. This will give you all the information about Bacon, which is a folder that asks the eternal question “What Would Bacon Do?”. But please click back here because Bacon will be answering some random search terms from the last month. And well, he can be quite moody if people neglect his wishes and pay him no mind.

And also, I need to clarify, my cat’s name is not actually Bacon. But I might start calling him that.

Is wine good for toothache
Bacon isn’t sure who would search this. Bacon hears from Kristabella that wine is good for damn near everything, except cleaning the litter box. Cats don’t like wine. Weird. Bacon also thinks this person should “Liven Up A Salad” because if this person has to ask if wine is good for a toothache, this person clearly needs to imbibe more alcohol, let loose a little and get shitfaced so people don’t want to punch her in the face. Bacon also thinks Kristabella should stop using Google so much.

Pulp test
Um. Yeah. Bacon hates pulp. And his test for the pulp is by taking a sip of orange juice and getting a mouthful of pulpy crappiness. Which then just makes him angry because who the hell likes pulpy drinks? So Bacon says “Beckon” which means he wants the asshat who searched this to come hither so Bacon can smack the pulp right out of you.

How to lose a pregnant girlfriend
Bacon says “Ask Tom Brady.”

Lyle Lovett I am ugly
Bacon wonders two things about this search term. One, Bacon may be just be a piece of delicious meat, but can someone please explain to him why Lyle Lovett is so down on himself? Bacon knows Lyle is not a looker. So Bacon wants to tell Lyle to “Sizzle” because you need to embrace your ugly face and move on. And Bacon thinks maybe you should mention the fact you were with Julia Roberts. Mention it any chance you get.

And two, is this a new saying, like “boy howdy, am I ugly today!”? If not, Bacon is going to make it so. The next time you are having one of those bad hair days, one of those days when you wake up too early from tying one on the night before and realize your mascara is all over your chin, Bacon encourages you to talk out loud to the mirror in the public restroom at work and exclaim “Lyle Lovett, I am ugly!”

Spinsterville Chicago
Bacon would like this person to know that Spinsterville Chicago is located right on Kristabella’s couch. Park hours are whatever time she drags her sorry ass out of bed until whatever time she drags her drunken ass back to bed. Price of admission is one bottle of red wine for adults and a bottle of white wine for children. Seniors 55 and older are free, as long as they don’t be having any of the wine. Bacon also says that you should “Tempt A Vegan” because everyone knows anyone who willingly becomes a vegan is clearly someone who will never be married. Meat. It’s What’s For Marrying.

What does flat tires mean in Spanish?
Flat tires is English you fucking moron, so it means nothing in Spanish. You better step back or Bacon will “Spit Hot Grease” on your stupid face. Ay Caramba!

What would you do for $20 boobs?
Bacon, being a man and a pork product, isn’t positive, but he’s pretty sure boobs cost more than $20. Otherwise every hooker and homeless person would be top-heavy and toppling over. Bacon is pretty sure anyone stupid enough to get their boobs done for the low, low price of $20 would “Shrivel.”

Breast augmentation flossing
Bacon doesn’t keep up with Kristabella’s blog unless he’s the main feature, but he’s starting to wonder if he’s missing out on a lot of booby talk. And now Bacon is really intrigued. Having never seen this procedure done or the after effects, Bacon wants to know what is being flossed. Or is this person thinking that once they get their boobs done they’ll have something to floss and they’ll meet a rich man who is a rapper that will buy them all sorts of bling for them to floss? Bacon thinks this person was creating the equation that breast augmentation will equal plenty of things to be flossin. To which Bacon says “Smoke” because new fun bags will definitely make you hot. Even $20 fun bags.

“minnesota accent” “cleveland”
Part of the reason Bacon hasn’t done one of these Google search posts in quite some time is because Bacon has an irrational aversion to stupid people. And stupid people all seem to come to Kristabella through the world’s dumbest Google searches. So listen up Idiot Searchers! Cleveland is in Ohio. That is all. Bacon has to calm down because he doesn’t want to “Raise Cholesterol.”

All new online dating pilow
OK, really? Stupid people of the world? Pillow has two Ls. And Google, being all wise that he is, he will TELL YOU when you misspell things in your search. So not only are you an idiot, you also defied Google, which is just a sin. So Bacon is going to “Boycott Tofu” where Tofu = stupid jackasses. And also, what does a pilow or a pillow have to do with online dating? How will that get you more dates? Bacon wants to know since Kristabella can’t answer him since she’s currently residing in Spinsterville Chicago.

On that note, Bacon and his salty, snarky ass are done here. We hope you have enjoyed his take on Google search terms and his wise, but honest answers. Bacon tells it like it is, but if he keeps up this salty attitude, he’ll have a date with a frying pan in the very near future.


Responses

  1. Oh, yes….Kristabella HATES pulp. HATES.

    HaHa….love the Tom Brady one!!!

    TGIF!

  2. Bacon seems to get much more diverse search terms than I do. Mine are mostly about farts, bedwetting, and how to make someone horny without touching them. Funny, yes, but how many posts can you dredge out of the same old search terms?

  3. Bacon, I am no longer speaking to you. No one makes fun of my Tom Brady!

    All right, fine. You go ahead. I will just be crying over here in the corner.

  4. No one comes to me via google. At least according to my stats program. Apparently my day would be a helluva lot more funny if they did!

    Also, “boob flossin” and “Lyle Lovett I am ugly” are so going in the rotation of regular phrases along with my new fave “detesticle”.

  5. aw, sweet bacon … sweet, salty, TASTY bacon. Ah, how I have missed thee. Hie thee straight into my BELLY, bacon!

  6. I think Lyle Lovett can be used for any kind of expression. Lyle Lovett, I cannot wait for the weekend.

  7. Bacon, you are so funny! I’m glad you’re back. (I suspect it’s really your interpreter who is so funny.)
    I’m sorry, Bacon, I’m sorry, I take it back! Don’t send your salty attitude my way!

  8. Welcome back, Bacon!

    Also, Tom Brady is a douche bag for leaving his pregnant girlfriend. He can definitely provide advice on that issue.

  9. I’ll send my cat over to teach your cats to like wine….another stellar Bacon post!!

  10. I love the bacon posts…especially the part about one bottle red wine for admission for adults. Speaking of, have I told you how great J Lohr Cab is? If not, you should try it!

  11. No wonder Jen tagged you!! Ok so I admit I’ve only known of you for a few days, but this post totally cracked me up. I actually read “Lyle Lovett, I am ugly” out loud. (not because it’s true – I am fluffy and cute!)

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Signed,
    New Fan In CT

  12. HeeHee! Bacon is a friend of mine!

  13. I think everyone should name SOMETHING OR SOMEONE BACON, because…bacon is my favorite thing EVER.

  14. I think I may have to start a Bacon fan club.

  15. Yay! Bacon came out to play! Can he come liven up my salad?

  16. Love love love the Bacon advice! Does he have any advice on selling a house? (and yes, I’ve decided Bacon is a “he”)

  17. reading the word “bacon” over and over again has made me hungry… hungry for bacon. bacon, GET IN MY BELLY!


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