OhmyGod, I know! No post yesterday! What in the h-e-double hockey sticks is going on in this world?
Well, I was busy. The Bears were on Sunday night. And I went to a bar (wha? You? At a bar? Did pigs fly?) to watch the game. With Divorced Daddy and his friends. And let’s just say a lot of beer was consumed. And I had to get up at 5 this morning. And I realized at about 2:30 this morning that I was required, come 6 AM, to be in two places at once and how the fuck was I going to do that? And when I finally learned how to clone myself, fake KJ was over at the office waiting for the bus. The bus THAT DIDN’T COME! Because this bus company? Sucks ass. Break down? Yeah right. YOU FORGOT!
So yeah. I’m a bit cranky. And I’ve been up too long. Because you know, sitting in a classroom and then on an air-conditioned bus all day can really wear a sista out. Especially after drinking for four hours last night and not getting any sleep. Because how do you even begin to clone yourself? I’m not MacGyver. A paperclip, tube top and salt is NOT going to work. And I could not fall asleep until I figured it out. (Note, trade the tube top for a tube sock.)
So what did you say? You want to hear about my “date” with Divorced Daddy? OK. But some of you should just stop reading this damn whining now. Because, yeah. That’s all it is going to be.
A little bit of back story. On Friday night, we had kind of made plans to maybe meet up. Since most of his friends are Jewish (it was Yom Kippur), he didn’t have any plans. Neither did I. Score, right? No. Not score. Because he called me three times to ask me what was going on and when I told him, for the third time that I had nothing (NOTHING!) going on, he still didn’t ask me to do anything. So I asked “so do you want to do something?” His answer? “I’m on the fence.”
Now I admit, I didn’t make a decision. He asked what I had in mind, but since it was already like pulling his damn toenails out with pliers, I left it up to him. I do not make decisions. I want people to like me. So if I don’t pick anything, it can’t be bad and people can’t hate me. And spit on me. Because people can be mean.
He came up with nothing. Just more fence shit. And then he told me that if I get “inspired to do something” that I should give him a call. To which I got irritated and said “whatever. I’ll talk to you later.” And then I yelled FUCK YOU at the phone for probably the first time in my entire left. (Yes. I really am 30. Can’t you tell?)
So apparently, I like him a lot more then I let on. Because I was pissed. WHY does he not want to hang out with me if we’re not in a group? WHY would you call if you knew you didn’t want to do anything? WHY are you such a weirdo? WHY am I so clueless and such an IDIOT? Are you blind woman???
I didn’t hear from him at all Saturday. Which was fine. I was with my niece and nephew all day. Celebrating Week Four of the Never Ending 30th Birthday. And I had already agreed to go watch at least part of the Bears game with him Sunday night at a bar. That wasn’t close to my house or the hotel I was staying at Sunday night. But I need to put myself out there and all that dating bullshit because otherwise? I’m marrying my DVR. Which, really? Is starting to look like a great option. He knows what I like. Lots and lots of reality television.
We exchanged a few texts before the game. He was going to get there before 6 and wondered if I wanted to come early too. “Since I was leaving early.” Awww, right? Yeah. Not. Or maybe. I don’t fucking know.
So I got there. We were there alone for about 20 minutes. He kissed me ON THE LIPS when I got there. Good sign. (Yes? No?) And then his friends started showing up. I had met a few of them. But when you put them all in one area? Well he is friends with all chicks. And they are all hot. And on top of that he was talking about this neighbor chick he met earlier in the week. That he hung out with on Saturday night.
(My gawd, do we all see where this is going? Apparently I need a damn two-by-four to the head to make it crystal clear.)
And I got all crazy insecure. And was like “what the fuck am I doing here?” And really, really wanted to go home. Or cry in the bathroom. But I stayed. Because life isn’t all easy and shit. And there was beer here.
He called me over to sit next to him. And was super flirty. Had his arm around me the whole time. Good? I thought so? Maybe? Am I a complete moron in the world of flirting? I didn’t think so. But apparently that is not the case. Am getting World’s Biggest Dumbass tattooed on my forehead this weekend. That should help matters.
Because then he started talking about how he has no guy friends. And needs to make more. So he could “hook me up with them.”
A normal girl would have said something. Or left. Or just said ”what the fuck?” and looked around for hot guys in the bar. That’s what normal people would have done. Because normal people don’t get all hooked on a guy they BARELY KNOW because he’s nice. A guy that clearly doesn’t like you in that way. He just likes to take you back to his place after a night of drinking. Because, don’t people do that all the time with people they only want to be friends with? (Don’t answer that.)
But I am not normal. And I still, in my drunken haze, thought something was there. Until later that night when he again brought up needing to meet guys so he could hook me up with them. Again. To which I responded “you totally confuse me.” (No, stupid. You, woman, are living in a dream world. And are blind as a bat.) And he said we should talk tonight.
And we did. And my doomsday gut was right last night. He thinks I’m “really cool” and “fun to hang out with,” but it is really “more of a friends thing.” Which I figured. Because I had a bad feeling. And my gut is always right. (But maybe, just maybe gut, you could be a little more proactive with these things? For fuck’s sake.)
But that doesn’t mean I feel any better. Or less like a fool because we had a decent make-out session a few weeks ago. Because, silly me, I thought if you made out with someone, there was something more there than friends. Or maybe you just wanted to make out with a hot chick. But then you don’t keep calling them. Because, hello? Expectations. And you don’t offer to let me crash at your place. And you don’t kiss me when you see me. You just don’t. Because, hello! MIXED SIGNALS! Keep it up and you will be single for a long time. Because you’re 33. With a kid. The time for keeping girls around for booty calls and friends with benefits is long gone.
And it definitely doesn’t mean my insecurity level has stayed the same and not jumped through the God damned roof because I just got rejected by a short, balding, divorced guy with a kid who is a BAD kisser. And it also doesn’t mean that Insecure KJ hasn’t jumped all over reasons why he isn’t into me. Because Insecure KJ can come up with hundreds of them. And I hate Insecure KJ right now.
But it does mean that we won’t be friends. At least right now. Until I can show up with some hot, tall, childless arm candy to bring with me. Because you? Just passed up the best thing to come your way. And your loss is someone else’s BIG gain.